


Love the people with whom fate brings you together

by thestoriesthatiwrite



Series: For Nassau [1]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: 46K written out, Canon Compliant, M/M, Other relationships are as in canon so Miranda/flint and Miranda/thomas, follows the events of the series and links them together, mature later on when the right time has arrived, slow burn story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2018-10-15 02:32:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 46,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10548556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestoriesthatiwrite/pseuds/thestoriesthatiwrite
Summary: This multi-chapter story follows the events of Season two of James McGraw and Thomas Hamilton. You will find scenes from the show used in this fanfiction as I have tried to link them together and turn it into one story of James and Thomas falling in love and being ripped apart.personal update: I was sick for a long time and I'm kind of out of the story. I'm still recovering at a slow pace and have other stories that need picking up as well. I will absolutely finish this once I've had the time to reread everything. Till then it's on Hiatus.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Cleary this story contains spoilers for the entire show.  
> A lot of it is my headcanon and it might differ from yours but I hope you will still enjoy the ride I take this couple on. The chapters switch per POV or when a certain has passed.

**James**  
  
Admiral Hennessey had informed him on Tuesday morning about his new mission. He was to be the liaison to Lord Thomas Hamilton. He had heard of the man, heard of the family name and the importance of these people in the politics of England. He didn’t quite understand why this mission was assigned to him, though. “Out of all my men, I trust you most.” Hennessey stated. “You are a man of honour, a man of England. You would never betray her. Most of the men out there would praise Lord Hamilton in hopes of gaining favours, but not you. I know you well enough to know you’d place England first.”  
  
“Of course I do and I am honoured to help with this important matter.” James replied. “But are you 100 percentage sure, I am the right person, sir.”  
  
“Absolutely. It has to be you, James.” The admiral rose from his chair in his office and guided him to the door. “We will meet again in two weeks’ time at the Craverty, say around four. You can fill me in on what it is the young lord exactly means to achieve and how.”  
  
“Yes sir.” He bowed down as he put on his hat, ready to leave.  
  
“He will be at the Westminster Abbey tomorrow, he expects to see you at ten. Don’t be late. First impressions are very important in this world, Lieutenant.”  
  
“I will not let you down, sir.” He meant it. Hennessey had always been good to him, regardless of his background. He wanted to make him proud. Liaison to the Hamilton Family? If you had told him a year ago this would be his mission one day, he would have laughed his head off in disbelieve.

 

  
James took extra good care of his looks that day, he wanted to impress the lord. He had polished his shoes the night before. Grabbed his best tie and brushed his hair in the neatest way after breakfast. He made sure his hat was dry and spot free from the rain of yesterday and wore his best blouse. The Admiralty had arranged a carriage for him as the lady from the tavern informed him of its arrival, it was currently waiting for him outside. He took a deep breath, looked in the mirror and decided he was ready for this. He closed the door of his room behind him, walked down two flights of deep stairs, waved goodbye to Miss Lemonit and got in the black carriage. The carriage took him to the central part of London as it road passed the Thames. James fiddled with the curtains, even though he would never say it out loud, he was a little nervous. He rarely interacted with higher nobles, most looked down their nose at him like his fellow navy comrades. The carriage came to a hold and carefully he got out. He had driven by the church several times, but never had he placed foot upon its ground. He could see two men standing at the top of the stairs, so he walked up the white steps to Westminster Abbey, one them had to be the young lord, he presumed. “Lord Thomas Hamilton?” He asked, waiting to see which of the men would turn to greet him.  
  
“Ah. Are you the liaison sent by the Admiralty?”  
  
“I am, my lord.” He wasn’t sure what he had expected Lord Hamilton to look like, but he looked younger, around his age, if he wasn’t even a few years older. The man bid his companion goodbye and turned his attention back to him.  
  
“What’s your name?”  
  
“McGraw, my lord. James McGraw.” The man seemed to be lost in thoughts, before he smiled at him and started walking down the stairs. They crossed the street and turned right. James was familiar with these buildings. They all belonged to the lords of parliament.  
  
“Do you know your history Lieutenant McGraw?” Thomas asked him as they walked down another set of stairs. “They say it started with a man named Henry Avery. Sailed into the port of Nassau, bribed the colonial governor to look past his sins, encamped his crew upon the beach, and thus began the pirate issue on New Providence Island. Where and when will it all end? I suppose that's where you and I come into the story. As I'm sure you're aware, my father the earl holds great sway amongst his peers in Whitehall. He has asked for the assistance of Her Majesty's Navy in pacifying the island to which he holds title. He was assured that this request would be considered a matter of the utmost importance.”  
  
“ Undoubtedly, my lord.”  
  
“Then perhaps you can tell me why they decided to send you.”  
  
Excuse me, James thought, he knew better so he opted for “Beg pardon, my lord?”  
  
“A number of your superiors are former schoolmates of mine. I canvassed them about your reputation the son of a carpenter, no record of any formal schooling, and yet more literate than any three boys I knew at Eton. You are a rising star with a bright future in the Admiralty.” James wasn’t sure if he was getting praised or shamed, though given the reputation of nobles and their views on those born under poverty, it was probably the latter. “You can understand my concern.”  
  
He might as well be blunt, if he was already perceived as being lesser. Though he didn’t wish to bring shame upon himself even more, so he had to toe a certain line.  “Not really. Perhaps my lack of education is showing.”  
  
The lord smiled at his remark, he clearly found it funny. James didn’t know what to think of it, but maybe he hadn’t meant to shame him after all. “I intend to accomplish something here, Lieutenant. I intend to save Nassau before she's lost forever. And I cannot do that with a partner who might be more concerned about advancing his career than he is about realizing this goal.”  
James smiled, he was getting praised before, just in a very unusual way. Clearly Lord Hamilton was passionate and that was something he could relate to. “You want to save Nassau, my lord?”  
  
“Very much so.”  
  
“Then perhaps my job is to make certain you know what you're getting into.” He looked him in the eye. “If you will allow me to do so, I will show you as much as I can, my lord.” He followed. “I was assigned to be your liaison and I take that very seriously. Advancing my career plays no part in this.”  
  
Thomas looked at him, scanned him over curiously. “Very well. Show me what I am dealing with.”


	2. II

**Thomas**

“I’ll be back before afternoon tea.” Thomas reassured his wife, “Though if I’m running late, you can go on ahead without me, I will arrive as soon as possible, I’ll be there before dinner is even close to being served, guaranteed.”

“Where did you say you were going again?” She lifted her head from the book she was reading.  
Thomas shrugged with a smile “I have no idea. Something I had to see.” He put on his white wig and stood up.

“It’s like going on an adventure.” Miranda laughed.

Thomas pulled on his coat. “I suppose it is.”

The doors opened and Amy, the servant, walked in. “Your carriage has arrived, my lord.”

“Good.” He kissed Miranda on the forehead and exited the mansion. The carriage door was opened for him and he sat down. He had agreed to meet the lieutenant at the docks. Though he had no idea what the docks would bring to the table that Mister McGraw considered so important for Thomas to see. When they arrived, he saw the man waiting for him, along with a large crowd of people in the distance. He walked out of the carriage toward him. He couldn’t tell what it was about the man but he was intrigued by him, maybe because he was one of the first people to be so brutally honest with him. Or because he seemed to not want to use him for his title and name.

“My lord.” He bowed. “Let’s go for walk.” Thomas followed him closely as they headed towards the crowd. He spotted a gallows and a man. This was an execution.

“What is this exercise intended to prove, Lieutenant?” He asked.

“You want to understand why piracy flourishes in the West Indies. I'm about to show you. Have you seen one of these before?”

“I'm afraid I haven't, no.” He frankly never felt the desire to, but maybe he should see this at least once in his life. “Who is he?” They came to a hold, this was clearly the spot from which he was meant to see this act.

“Davey someone-or-other. High seas piracy, treason, so on and so forth, same as the last, same as the next. He's being asked if he wants to confess, beg forgiveness in the eyes of God and Queen Anne.”

“Suck my cock!” The condemned man shouted from the pier.

“I assume that was a ‘ _no’_ ”.  Thomas concluded. He believed he had figured out the lieutenant’s plan. “So this is the lesson the pirates of New Providence Island are incorrigible, dedicated to mayhem. To attempt to address this subject is doomed to defeat from the outset.”

“It's not him I wanted you to see.” Thomas looked at the man, what else was there to see?  
He watched on as the crowd screamed “No mercy! Go all the way to hell!” And then the man was pushed of the pier, the snapping of his neck loud and clear and the crowd cheered even louder. Thomas frowned, a man died and the crowd was loving it. It made him feel uncanny and out of place for he did not share their enthusiasm.  

“It's them. Civilization needs its monsters.”

“You think Whitehall wants piracy to flourish in the Bahamas?”

“No, I don't think they want it, but I think they're aware of the cost associated with trying to fight it. And I think that that sound travels. You're an educated man, my lord, but I think it worth reminding you that in most cases a man trying to change the world fails for one simple and unavoidable reason everyone else.” Thomas had to admit, judging by the reaction of these people, men, women, even children barely old enough to attend any form of schooling, mister McGraw was right. These people would be an obstacle, they would be robbed of their villains and what in their eyes was a justified punishment for their crimes. How would he work around this?

“Thank you, Lieutenant.” He turned to him, “for showing me this. I had no idea these practises were so popular.”

“As I informed you yesterday, I’m here to show you what you are getting yourself into.” He commented.

“So you did.” Thomas had seen enough and turned around. “Is there more you wish to show me?”

“Not for today. There is something on Saturday however, you should witness.” They walked away from the crowd. 

“I look forward to it.” He meant it, whatever else he had to see, he wanted to see it. This plan was assigned to him and he would not fail, every detail he overlooked, he was unaware of, would lead to the destruction of Nassau and that was unacceptable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone having read the first chapter. I wrote 5K today, so there's a total of 18K waiting to be uploaded, so there are a lot more chapters coming for sure. I hope you enjoyed this one and will continue to enjoy the rest.


	3. III

**James**

He had woken up that Saturday rather early. What he was going to show Lord Hamilton took place in the early hours of the day. Luckily he was used to short nights, familiar with them when he slept on his journeys across the ocean. He ate his breakfast listening to Miss Lemonit, his landlord’s wife, talk about the latest gossip, not that he cared much. He always suspected that she knew he didn’t care, but was just too polite to decline her company. It wasn’t politeness that stopped him, he genuinely liked her and she made great breakfast. Never insult the woman in charge of your food, was a lesson his grandmother had learned him when he was younger and to that he held.  
“Unbelievable, right?”

James looked up. “Most rumours are.” He smiled.

“I’m simply amazed they haven’t made her disappear. Having an affair as a lady, is a disgrace unbearable.”

“I suppose so. They are just rumours though.” He had absolutely no idea which lady she was talking about having not listened to the first part of the story, or maybe all of it.

“There is always some truth in rumours, is what I believe.” She took a bite of her own breakfast, “What plans you have today? Seeing you are up so early.”

“I have a meeting to attend.” He wasn’t sure how much he was already allowed to give away considering he had yet to speak to his own superiors.

“This early? Must be important. Mind you, the street is still crawling with wanderers at this time, best to be safe.”

“I have a carriage coming for me.” He assured her. She seemed relieved at that. He had been with them for the last four years. Ever since he could afford a better accommodation yet remain close to the docks. They were the closest thing he had to a family these days. Though he didn’t care much for her husband, he was mostly drunk when they met and very loud.

 

  
“Trouble rising early, my lord.” James asked when he saw him yawn.

“I do supposed this time might not be for me.” The man commented. “but I already learned some things on the ride here.”

“You did?” James asked him, genuinely curious.

“There’s a disturbing amount of people sleeping in the streets, children as well. It’s April now but once winter will arrive where do these people go?”

“They remain in the street,  my lord.”

Thomas looked at him, “And then what, freeze to their deaths.”

“I’m afraid so.”

Thomas sighted and looked outside the carriage. “I knew the poor had it rough in England since the war with Spain. A lot of money meant to help them has been reassigned for use to build warships and train more sailors. To the forgery of weapons and better forts on the islands.” Thomas shook his head. “It saddens me to see innocent people suffer because of this war that seem so very far removed from it.” James looked at him and could tell the man meant what he had said. This was a lord that cared for the poor. How surprisingly. “Hopefully once this war is won, the Queen will reconsider the idea. I will make sure to request her to reinstate this plan.”

James didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything. He could only walk next to the man in silence back to the docks they visited two days ago. This man next to him, was no ordinary man, he knew that much from what he had heard. But the rumours, they couldn’t be further from the truth, he thought. He wouldn’t call Lord Hamilton mad, he would call him compassionated.  
They arrived at a merchant ship, a small sized one. The name of ship written on the side ‘Lady Oceania’. “This ship belongs to the governor of Jamaica.” He explained.

“Lord Morelli?”

“Yes, my lord.” James picked up a chest and opened it. “This is what he carriers.” Inside the chest were goods considered illegal by the English law. He looked at the man next to him. “Getting Nassau to survive requires more than just putting a man on an island and have him rule it. Corruption and deals with the pirates are very common on the islands.”

“And nobody is any the wiser.” He noted.

“It’s something many people know, since many are involved in this partaking.” He added. “Pirates bring a lot of trouble for England and the Islands. Some governors see no other way to deal with it than to surrender.”

 

  
The morning had passed and the lord was still on the docks. He had talked to a sailor about his experience on the sea, truly listening to the man’s story, asking questions. He even shook a few hands. Now he was talking to a family. The man absolutely fascinated him, James realised. He was like nobody he had ever met before. “Do you approve of the hangings?” He asked the woman.

“Oh, yes. Pirates are send by the devil to this world. For God and the Law and the Queen they deserve to die.” She replied.

“But what if there was a different way to make them pay for their sins?” Thomas asked.

“What different ways would that be my lordship?”

“I’m not sure, imprisonment. Labour.”

“No, No.” The woman shook her head. “Evil must die for the good to survive.” James didn’t participate in this conversation he merely listened and observed.

“And what about you, young man” He aimed his attention at the young boy.

“Death to them all!” He said with excitement in his eyes. “when I grow up I’m going to join the navy and kill as many pirates as I can.”

“I’m sure you will be important to this country one day.” Lord Hamilton spoke kindly, he wasn’t getting the answers he had hoped for James knew that much. Yet he had continued to ask people for their thoughts, their ideas and these people had marvelled at him and been humbled by the attention given to them by such a famous lord.

“It’s very lucky” He said to the boy as he handed him a silver coin, he continue the conversation but the sound was blocked out by a carriage coming to a halt behind him.  
“I rather envy you.” He heard a woman say, he turned around and walked toward the carriage. Inside was a beautiful lady with pearl earrings. “I remember what it was like the first time I met him.” Whoever she was she knew the lord and was clearly taken with him. “There's a feeling one gets when in the presence of the truly great men. It's something quite indescribable.” He looked at the man still talking to the boy, “I imagine you're having it as we speak.”

“‘Indescribable’ is a good word.” That was sure, James thought.

“You question my husband's motives?” Ah, she was his wife, luckily he didn’t let that slow him down from correcting her.

“Not on the least, ma'am, though I may question the outcome he's likely to achieve. The game he is entering into is a brutal and unforgiving one.”

“Piracy?”

“Politics.”

“What's your name, Lieutenant?” The lord had not told his wife about him it would appear. James wondered why, maybe the ladies of Noble houses were not inclined to busy themselves with the affairs of their husbands, though in these brief minutes he felt Lady Hamilton would somehow keep her own amongst noblemen.

“McGraw, James McGraw.” He introduced himself.

“Great men aren't made great by politics, Lieutenant McGraw. They aren't made great by prudence or propriety. They are, every last one of them, made great by one thing and one thing only the relentless pursuit of a better world. The great men don't give up that pursuit. They don't know how. And that is what makes them invincible.” She clearly loved her husband.  A great man… What made a man great? James used to think fighting for England is what made a man great. Lady Hamilton had a whole different idea. It wasn’t an idea he considered wrong. He looked back at the man on the docks, was he a great man for having sailed the oceans, was Lord Hamilton a great man for fighting for Nassau and wanting it to survive. Could both of them be, or only one of them?

The young lord approached them. “I see you have met my lovely wife.” He smiled.

“Yes, my lord.”

“I’m afraid I must be off. We’re having dinner with Lord Ashe. He is a very influential man and a good friend of mine. Whatever we are planning to do, his support will be most welcome.”

“It was very nice to meet you” The lady spoke as her husband opened the carriage door and got in. “I’m sure I will be seeing you very soon.”

“Absolutely, I will send a carriage for you on Monday, so we can discuss further plans.” The lord sat down opposite of his wife as the driver closed the door behind him.

“I will be waiting for your carriage then.” James responded as he bowed his head. The carriage slowly started moving and he watched as they drove away. They made a good looking pair, he concluded. The docks were getting crowded as the wind blew in a cool breeze to make this warm day more bearable. He would have to think about where to go from here with the plan, his advice and if he was suitable for this assignment. He had this feeling in his guts, that no matter what he showed the young lord, his mind would be set on saving Nassau, whatever the cost would be.


	4. IV

**James**

“And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and then there was light. And He saw that it was good, and He separated the land from the water, and He called the water the Seas. And He said, ‘Let the sea bring forth life abundantly.’ And He blessed it, and He said that it was good. And He formed man of the dust of the ground and breathed life into his nostrils and man became a living soul. And He beheld all He had created, and He said it was very good. But the Lord beheld the man made in his likeness and He beheld his solitude and He said, ‘It is not good that he is alone.’ And the moral of the story”, lord Hamilton turned around away from the window, “everybody needs a partner.” He smiled and looked at James, who could do nothing but smile back. If it really was the moral of the story that didn’t matter. “You are the partner assigned to me in response to my father's request by the Admiralty, but it would appear that even you believe this endeavour is doomed to fail.” Thomas sat down behind his desk.

“Beg pardon, my lord, but I didn't say that. I merely said that it would be wise for us to manage our expectations as to what's achievable.”

“And what is it that you think is achievable?”

“Well, sir, the pirate issue is a thorny one, but I believe that there are ways to”

“- Aside from the pirates.” The man interrupted him.

“I'm sorry?” Did he just hear that right?

“I don't believe the pirates are the cause of Nassau's problem. I believe they are a symptom. The root causes are the ones that I would like to address first.”

“Root causes?” He wasn’t sure where lord Hamilton was going if he was perfectly honest, but then he rarely did at the moment, though usually by the end of their conversation he understood the man’s train of thoughts.

“The graft of its governor. The incompetence of its managers. The neglect of its lords. The instability caused by these things is what draws the pirates to Nassau, not the other way around. So let's begin there. What is it that you believe would truly return Nassau to stable profitability?”

“You mean aside from removing the pirates?”

“Let's leave them out for now, yes.”

“What would it take?” He wondered, how could these root causes be fixed without removing the pirates, he didn’t think it could. But the man in front of him wanted an answer, so an answer he would get. “Farmers, men skilled in the cultivation of sugar and tobacco. Magistrates to maintain order. Carpenters to raise buildings. Clergy to raise spirits. Foodstuffs to sustain them all for six months, perhaps a year. Three ships to transport it all, sailors to sail them. And an honest governor, the first in recent memory, to oversee it all. In short, you'd be assembling a colony, boarding it onto ships, transporting it across the Atlantic, and hoping that when it arrives, it takes to an environment that has resisted every attempt at stable commerce for the past 50 years. Oh, and then there are the pirates that we've agreed not to discuss.” He was blunt, borderline mocking the idea by the end, but he was there to offer counsel to the best of his ability and he didn’t think the matters of Nassau should be sugar-coated.

The lord nodded as if saying message received and then said “Are you sure three ships would be enough?” maybe in an attempted to lighten the mood a little and to show he was fine with the way James spoke to him.  

James smiled at that and sighted, this man was impossible and clearly very set on his ideal. “My lord, I feel I have to be honest with you. I have grave doubts about whether something like this is realistic.”

“- Yes, I've gathered that.” Thomas responded with a hint of a smile on his face.

“If you wish to request a liaison more sympathetic to your views, I'm sure Admiral Hennessey would be happy to oblige.”

“The New World is a gift, Lieutenant, a sacred opportunity to right our wrongs and begin anew. And I do not want my family's plot in it to be the reason for its fall.” James felt like there was something he was missing here, regarding a family plot. He watched as Thomas rose out of his chair and walked towards him. “I'm not looking for someone to hold my hand. I need someone who can help me ensure that Nassau survives.” He spoke with an argumentative voice “The stakes are too great for anything else.”

“And you suspect that I'm that person despite the fact that it's clear that we both view the world very differently?”

“Because of it. Strange pairs, Lieutenant. They can achieve the most unexpected thing” Thomas walked away from him. “We’ll continue this in the morning. I have visitors arriving shortly.”

“Off course. I will see myself out.” He bowed and left the room. He felt uneasy and he didn’t quite know why. Maybe because he knew he would have some hard times ahead, dealing with a man whose views don’t match his. Maybe because for the first time someone had actually wanted him, because he wasn’t like the rest, for his honesty and bluntness. And not just someone, but Lord Thomas Hamilton of all people. He had to admit they would make a strange pair, but he realised he could live with that. When he had left the mansion and entered the carriage the uneasiness he had felt when he had left the study had gone and was replace with a sense of pride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> considering this is a short chapter, I will upload another later today.


	5. V

**Thomas**

Breakfast had been serviced at 9 in the morning sharp. Even though it was only Tuesday he felt like the days had started to blurred into one, now that he was actively working on restoring Nassau in his father’s name. He had never gotten along well with his father, so for him to have been entrusted with this important assignment, made him want to succeed even more. How silly of him, he thought. He was a grown man still looking for the approval of his father. He had hoped he would have moved passed that moment when he married Miranda. She was given his father’s full consent and blessing, that was 4 years ago. Now he knew his father regretted ever even suggesting Miranda as an option to be wed.  He was still in the dining room when in the distance he could hear a familiar voice converse with his wife, making her laugh. He smiled and rose from his chair. He had only known the Lieutenant for 6 days but he very much enjoyed the man’s company.

“My lord.” James spoke as he entered the room.

“Please, call me Thomas.” He decided that if they were to be partners, they were to be equals in this.

“I really must decline, it would be unseemingly of me.”

“Don’t be daft, you are my partner and as such, I will not have a title stand in the way. You are as important to this mission as I am.” Thomas explained. He could tell by the look on his face that James would not give in so easily.

“My lord.” He objected,

“-thomas.” He countered.

James sighed. “My lord.”

“My husband really is most stubborn.” Thomas watched as his wife entered the room. “I’m afraid Lieutenant any protests on this matter will get you nowhere.”  

Thomas smiled. “I’m afraid, my wife only knows me too well, but I really must insist. We’ll be spending a great deal of time together, you and I,  and I would very much like to be able to call you friend one day.” Yes, Thomas did see a possibility of being friends with James. “Let us go into the study, I have some questions that need answering.” He beckoned James to follow him, leaving his wife behind.

 

 

They had already spend a long time in the study and the sun had turned the room unbearably warm. He pulled of his wig and saw James lower his eyes. “I apologize, the heat is making these things impossible to wear at times. I suppose that is problem you are unfamiliar with.” He smiled.

“I can understand where you are coming from, my lord.” He replied.

“Thomas.” He smiled, this must have been the 20th time he had corrected James, though he knew and understood why the habit was so hard to break for the man in front of him. 

“Do you prefer wearing a bun on warm days?” He had spotted it the moment James had entered the dining room.

“Very much so.” James replied. The bun suited him, the bow suited him. He wondered what his hair would look like when freed from containment. He imagined his hair being soft and for a second ruining his fingers through it. He quickly shook the idea from his mind.

“I tried growing my hair once. But the moment it reached my shoulders, my mother couldn’t deal with any more. I was starting to look too much like Ruth, my younger sister.” That was very personal information to give to someone he had just met, but he wanted to bond with James, make James want to bond with him, open up to him. Get him to feel comfortable, since he seemed on edge sometimes.

“I did not know Earl Hamilton had another child.” James answered honestly.

“My sister passed away years ago after a long illness.” She had only been ten years old, but sick for half of her life. No doctor could figure out what was wrong with her, nothing money could buy had been able to easy her pain or cure her in the end. It had learned Thomas a very important lesson, life was far too short and no matter who you were somethings simply happened for whatever reason God wanted them to. People were all a part of his plan to make this world great again.

“I’m so sorry.”

Thomas looked at James “So am I. But we cannot change the past, only the course of the future.”

 

 

They had joined Miranda for dinner, she had asked James many questions about his adventures on the sea and he had answered them, though Thomas suspected he had left out some of the more gruesome details of certain battles. His wife had a way of making men talk, she was witty, smart and incredibly charming and he loved her for it. He looked at James and wondered if he had already noticed the subtleness in which his wife flirted with him. It never bothered Thomas in fact he found it rather amusing. When Amy came to clean the table, he took the man back to the study.

“Here.” He pulled a book from the shelf.

“Marcus Aurelius?” James looked puzzled. “Emperor, right?”

“Correct. This book is very inspiring and a personal favourite of mine.” He handed it to him. “You should give it a read, someone as literate as you, might enjoy him.”

“Thank you, my lord. – I mean Thomas.” He smiled, at the end of a long day, James had finally beat him in correcting his address. He walked back to the bureau and lit one of the candles. “I must be off, it’s getting rather late.”

“Yes, I gathered that much. I had Amy call a carriage for you earlier. It should arrive here shortly. “James?” He asked, “I’m having a get-together on Friday with some of my personal friends. I was hoping you would grant me the pleasure of your company that night.” Yes, James should meet these people, inform him which men would be helpful to their cause and which wouldn’t. Fresh eyes could spot hidden things. He knew his guests might not enjoy a new face, but they would never reject it or decline an invitation because of it.

“Why would you want me there?” asked James.

“So we can continue our plans to safe Nassau.” Thomas simply answered. “It is of utmost importance you attend.”

“I’m rather afraid I do not have suitable wear for such formal occasion.”

“You will not need them, most of these people already know who you are. Why pretend to be anything you are not.” Thomas heard the knock on the door. “Your carriage.” He opened the door and walked James to the front door. “I will send someone to get you on Friday, these get-together take place elsewhere.” He thought he saw intrigue in the eyes of the man. “Thank you for your time today. It was a pleasure having you here.” He bit him farewell and closed the doors once James had walked through them.

He turned around and saw Miranda in the parlour at the end of the stairs. “Darling, you must be exhausted.”

“Do I look that terrible?” He joked.

“You never look terrible,” She replied kindly, “you do however look tired.” She approach him and placed her hand on his cheek. “I had the maid prepare you a bath.”

“Thank you dear for looking after me.” He kissed her hand and walked up the stairs. He was rather tired he had to admit as he realised he was a little out of breath when he had reached the tub. It had been a long day filled with heated discussions, James being brutally honest and shooting down nearly all his ideas with ten ways they could fail. He smiled thinking of the man, he knew he had chosen the right partner for this and he was bound to make sure they would achieve greatness together.


	6. VI

**James**

He had heard of the salons noble lords and ladies threw, he had heard of the ones Lord Hamilton threw, rumours had it they were unlike others. James wouldn’t know, this was the first salon he would attend. In spite of Thomas saying he should just be himself, he wanted to leave a good impression behind. His behaviour, his reception would now reflected upon the good name of his lordship.   
“James, dear.” Miss Lemonit knocked on the door, “There’s a carriage waiting for you.”

He opened the door. “Do I look fancy enough to attend a salon?” he asked her.

“A salon?” Her grey eyes widened with surprise and excitement. “Oh, yes I should say so.”

“Wonderful.” He locked the door the behind him and went down the stairs.

“You must have made an important friend during your mission to be going to a salon.” She wondered, he imagined she had a million wild ideas in her head.

“I must have.” He simply replied.

“Do tell me all about it in the morning, James.” She insisted before he walked out the door.

“Time will tell.” He smiled as a he waved her goodbye. The carriage door was opened for him and he found himself sitting opposite Miranda, Thomas sitting by her side. He was surprised at first since last he was told someone would pick him up, not Lord and Lady Hamilton.

“You’re landlady?” He asked.

“His wife.” He commented.

“You look dazzling, Lieutenant.” Lady Hamilton compliment him, and he took pride in it.

“Thank you, may I say you look lovely this evening.”

“You may.” She smiled. “My husband picked it out for me this morning.”

“You have excellent taste my lord.” The man looked at him challenging “I mean Thomas.”

“Old habits die hard.” The lady reassured him.

They spend the remaining ride talking about a new book Lady Hamilton had stumbled across on the market on Wednesday, James was unfamiliar with it, but he enjoyed listening to them debate the message the book was trying to convey. He understood perfectly well why they were a couple. She was a good match for him in intellect and did not shy away from her opinion. He found it remarkable Thomas allowed his wife to engage with him like this. He knew of Lords that would strike their wives when their ideas were questioned. He continued to be marvelled by the way the Hamiltons lived their lives.

 

  
They arrived at a market street one he presumed was located in one of the lesser areas of London. The outside did not give away in the slightest that a salon were to take place here. The building was surrounded by stores, which at this hour would be abandoned.  Someone must have seen them coming for the door was opened and when James walked in, the place looked like no place he had ever seen before; Rich paintings on the ceiling, chandeliers and there was quiet a crowd already all dressed in their finest attire. The house seemed to have a room to the left and a room to the right. “Please keep an eye on my husband.” Miranda stood next to him. “I’ll be joining the ladies.”

“They are to be separated?”

“Not always. But tonight Thomas means to talk politics at some point and thus it is best if we entertain ourselves elsewhere. I can assure you, we ladies know how to entertain, no need to worry.”

“I wasn’t worried. Just merely surprised.”

“I’ll come and get you when the salon is over.” Thomas gave his wife a kiss on the cheek. “Ready, James.” He guided him into the right room, a room gathered with men, some smoking cigars, others drinking in the corner. They all went quite the moment Lord Hamilton was spotted. “Evening my dear friends and thank you all for coming.” Thomas didn’t have to demand the attention of these men, he was given it, handed on a plate. To be amongst one of the truly great men, he remembered Lady Hamilton saying, maybe all these men felt the way she did. “I have arranged for some light entertainment to start this gathering off. Please give your ear to the very talented Mister Blue.”   
The men turned to face a scrawny looking young man, James couldn’t imagine anything talented coming out of that, but he was quickly proven wrong. Mister Blue was a poet, skilled with words. His verses spoke of hope and truth, some were darker and others almost made his ears red. Thomas seemed to enjoy him greatly, pleasure written over his face, James could help but stare at him. At some point, he must have noticed as the man turned his head and met his eyes. “Talented isn’t he?”

“Remarkably talented. Everyone seems to enjoy him.”

“That they do indeed.” Thomas hummed and smiled, turning back to watch Mister Blue. James wondered where the lord would have found Mister Blue, he was clearly not part of the renowned poets of London and based on his looks James would guess the young man was of poor background. He smiled and look at the man next to him. Truly a most peculiar man.  Afterward Thomas mingled with the crowd whilst James merely observed and listened. He found himself recognizing some lords he would have never expected to see here, and some that were perhaps less surprising. He wondered how many of them truly believed in Thomas his ideas. But the more Thomas spoke, the passion within his voice, the dedication, the more James started to believe in him. That pirates weren’t the issue here.

A group standing rather close drew his attention when they mentioned Lady Hamilton. “Do you think the lieutenant over there, is her newest lover?” One man asked.

“Most-likely” another said.

“How does Thomas approve of this?” Lord Simons wondered. He recognized the man from an accidental meeting a few years back. “Then again her infidelity are just rumours.”

James took a few steps closer. “True, true, but they are very persistent.”

“Surely if they were true the earl would have seen to it by now.” Another person joined the conversation. “I’m sure Thomas and Alfred would handle it accordingly if the rumours were true.”

It was getting harder to hear the conversation as the men lowered their voices, he could only hear bits and pieces about Lady Hamilton being very desirable and how Thomas might not be able to meet all of her needs. He was snapped out of the conversation by the very man they were whispering about.   
“Let them talk.” Thomas said, not a care in the world. “whatever it is this time round, best to let them talk.”

“Yes, my lord.” James felt caught red handed, if these things were said about him he would be mad, why was Thomas so unbothered by them.

“What do you make of this all?”

“It’s quite impressive.” He admitted.

“And what do you think these men have to offer us to safe Nassau.” He knew he wasn’t just invited to get a peek into the life of lords, he was here to offer consul.

“I don’t think every men here would have the courage to support your idea in public if I’m honest.” He stated, “Half of these men would probably pretend they never even heard them before.”

Thomas looked at him and smiled. “Thank you, James. I was hoping you would say that.”

James looked surprised “You were?”

“Yes. I need to know which of these men are on my side, which would claim to be publicly and who would turn from me in time of need.” Thomas lead James out of the room. “It’s crucial to know your allies, your enemies and the wanderers in parliament.”    
  
During the carriage ride back home, Lady Hamilton sat next to him. She sat by his side rather closely, reminding him of the rumours he had heard. Were they true? He looked at Thomas, but the man simply looked out of the carriage, lost in thoughts. The moonlight gracing his face. The man was beautiful, how would he not be able to satisfy anyone’s desires. It was the second time that evening James realised he couldn’t look away. Thomas’s wife continued talking about the events on her side of the salon. The woman dressed as a man making jokes, that did sound entertaining and when she laughed he pulled his eyes away and smiled at her as she smiled back, her lips as red as they had been when they arrived. He realised he was staring at them and quickly turn his head around. It was not as if he felt a longing to kiss them, it was simply the way she spoke that drew him in. Her laughter so warm. He looked at his lordship again.   
“Don’t bother.” A voice whispered in his ear. “He’s in his own mind right now.”

“Probably trying to figure out some of the poems tonight.” He said to lighten the mood.

“Who knows. I know a lot about my husband, but when he is lost in thoughts, he is lost to me.”  



	7. VII

**James**

"’A sacred opportunity to right our wrongs.’ My God, do you know anyone in the world who talks that way?” It was the first meeting James had with his superior and the man was baffled. Understandably so, he had been too at first.

”I do now, sir.”

The admirable snickered, “Is it possible he's fully mad? Half of Whitehall whispers it.”

“He isn't mad.” James explained, no, definitely not that. “He's just bright, determined, wealthy, all at the same time.”

“Jesus. That's worse.” James found it hard to argue with him on that. The rich controlled the world along with their ideals.  He looked around at the other men of the fleet. Laughing, starring at him, as if they were mocking him and the job he did. The important job he was assigned to.

“You might like him, sir.” He suggested. Thomas was hard not to like. He couldn’t imagine there was a person in the world that disliked him. “Actually, I went to one of those salons of his, the ones that half the Royal Society attend but most deny. Most of those men are pretenders, sir, attracted to his ideas because they make them feel like radicals. But Thomas when he talks about the need to rethink things, systemic things, I think he truly believes what he's saying. And what's more, I'm afraid I might believe a good deal of it as well.”

“Thomas?”

James sighted, slightly-embarrassed by how easily the name had slipped from his mouth. “I'm sorry, sir. He refuses to stand on ceremony, insists on the familiar.” The admiral looked displeased at this, “I know what you're thinking, but I assure you, sir, my judgment, as it relates to this assignment, is still intact.” He was supposed to be unbiased, though he felt that Alfred Hamilton would sooner or later force his hand to move against his son.

”Ship's business. I shall return.” James wanted to get up to help out but was told his help was unwanted. As if he had somehow already managed to disappoint the man. He made way to the bar as he decided it was time for another drink, he could feel the eyes of the men on the other side burn upon him. They were talking about him for sure.

“Is there a problem?” He challenge, James never liked bullies. His grandfather told him a long time ago to always stand up and fight them off, so he always did.

“No problem.” Pickram replied. He never got along with him, that man was ass-kissing parasite. “None whatsoever. Apologies. Perhaps it's my jealousy showing. Liaison to the Hamilton family, that's quite an appointment. Congratulations, sir.”

He knew the apology was insincere but he refused to let that get to him, so politely he said “Thank you.”

“I must say, I thought myself quite qualified, but then I suppose perhaps for this particular assignment, you were the better man.” The first verbal attack, the most familiar one. Sing me a new tune, James thought as Pickram approached him. “Of course, I can understand how it would be of such importance to you. Someone of your station son of a carpenter's mate given a chance to socialize with a lord. Hold that position for long enough and you might convince everyone you're something more than you actually are.” The other crew members laughed at the comment, following their leader like cowards so afraid to be at the receiving end of his taunts. “A gentleman, most civilized. I imagine there is no end to the benefits Thomas Hamilton's favour could bestow upon you.” James was getting more irritated with every word he spoke, he wasn’t in this for himself. “Future employment, status. Hell, I understand if he likes you well enough, he may even let you fuck his wife.” And that was the last drop, he lifted his right arm and punch Pickram in the face. He had a good right hook, so there was no way the other man wasn’t in some pain right now. He punched him twice more until another man jumped him and hit him in the stomach. He quickly took the control back and slammed the dark haired man with his face onto the bar, pulled him off and punch him in the face as he pushed him to the other side. The man covered in blood by now, but James had not noticed in his rage nor did he care.

“Enough!” He heard in the distance, and even though the voice seemed far away Hennessey’s voice carried the importance that immediately halted him.  “If you are an officer in my fleet, I suggest you leave this place. Now!” The men all listened as James just stood there, he had lost control and all over an insult of Thomas Hamilton and his wife, he was known to fight back and thus he had, but this felt different to him. This was different. He couldn’t leave he knew that, his superior demanded an explanation, so he stayed behind. He was given a cloth by the barkeeper and cleaned his face and his hands of blood and waited at the bar.

  
The Admiral joined him shortly. He sighed and shook his head. “I'm sorry, you were saying something about your judgment on this matter remaining intact.”

“I apologize, sir. Good sense escaped me for a moment. An insult to the man's wife that had to be answered. It reflects not upon my fitness to continue handling Lord Hamilton. I know how important this posting is.”

”I know you know. My concern with you is over that which cannot be known. That thing which arises in you when passions are aroused, good sense escapes you. All men have it. But yours, yours is different. Darker. Wilder. I imagine it's what makes you so effective as an officer. But when exposed to extremes, I could not imagine what it is capable of. And of greater concern, I'm not sure you do either.” Hennessey was right. His passion, his skill  in battle they made him the lieutenant he was today. But what had just happened, it hardly required a single thought. Pickram had sometimes called him an animal and maybe, just maybe. Today he had been right.


	8. VIII

**Thomas**

Hot gossip travelled fast and by noon Thomas had heard from one of the servants about the fight amongst the crew of Hennessey. He suspected some details had been changed, since he doubted people flew through the room followed by chairs and tables. Gossiping, where considered lesser behaviour, always came in handy, Thomas knew this as did Miranda. It was one of the reasons they attended many social gatherings and mingled amongst all the ranks. Apparently what had caused the fight was unknown, but the perpetrator seemed to be none other than James. Thomas had a hard time imagining James could be violent and assumed there would have to have been just reasons. He didn’t doubt the man knew how to fight, he was a sailor trained to battle and survive pirates if tragedy struck.   
“Lieutenant McGraw is here to see you.” Amy announced through the closed door.

Thomas rose from his chair “You can let him in.” He directed her. He watched as the doors opened and James stood in front of him. He didn’t look harmed as far as he could tell. “I’ve been hearing your name all morning.”

“I apologize. If you deem me unfit to further be by your side I understand.”

“Unfit?” Thomas wondered “Why would I think that?” He stepped closer to the man and inspected his face. He didn’t notice it but with a softer and gentler voice he asked “Are you hurt?”

“Beg your pardon?”

“Are you hurt?” He took a step backwards realising he was standing rather close to the man. “I’m not a healer nor an expert in bar fights, but usually people get hurt.”

“I’m fine.” Was he, though? He looked at him puzzled “A little sore, but trust me when I tell you I’ve been in worse a state.”

“Oh, that I trust.” Thomas smiled. “Do you need me to call you a healer?”

“No, my lord.”

“Care to explain to me then how it is possible that my partner is getting himself into fights with his own comrades.”

“They made some unsavoury remarks that had to be answered.”

“Unsavoury?” Did they insult James to the point he would lash out?

“They spoke ill of you and your wife.”

Thomas couldn’t suppress a laugh, “You got into a fight to defend my honour?” This was the best thing he had heard in a long time.

“You find this amusing?”

He quickly collected himself, realizing this must indeed seem a bit odd. “Not at all, I am simply touched that you would go to battle for me and well rather surprised.” He smiled, he would probably smile all day now. “Would you rather I’d be cross with you?”

“I’m not sure. Having a liaison getting into fights might not reflect well upon you.”

“I do not care about what others think of me.” He really didn’t. He was used to the rumours of him being mad, incompetent. He was raised with them whispered in his ear. He learned to shut them out and to remember Marcus Aurelius’s wise words. “Sit” He gestured, “Unless standing is more comfortable.”

“I can sit.”

“Where are you hurt, if I may ask.”

“Ribs mostly, someone gave me a good blow there.”

“So no flying through the room of tables?” He amused himself with the image.

“Flying tables?”

“Oh yes, the story has gotten quite more violent, it would appear.” Gossip and the power it held was enormous when used wisely. This one had turned the man in front of him into a uncontrollable member of the navy. He wondered if that would ever come in handy to use.

“I must disappoint. It was a simply fight. Nothing broke, apart from Pickram’s nose.” James appeared to be proud of breaking the other man’s nose.

“I gather you do not like this Pickram?”

“I’d rather say he has a problem with me.”

“Why is that?” He wanted to learn more about James.  He knew they had more urgent matters to discuss but he had this yearning to know more. To be privy to the lieutenant's innermost thoughts, his past, his everything. He had never felt that way about a person before but that did not panic him. ‘Accept the things to which fate binds you’ Marcus Aurelius wrote and fate had bounded him to James, and what would happen, will happen, that much he knew for he cannot change the outcome of fate. So he accepted whatever desire James aroused in him, for as long as his enemies were kept under control he had no reason to worry.

“As you are aware I was born in poverty. He simply dislikes the fact that someone with my background carries a higher title than him.”

“The burden a rising star like yourself must bear, I suppose.” Thomas answered honestly, he crouched down to look James in the eyes. “People either love or hate those whose stars shine the brightest for they are either envious or jealous of the light gifted to them. And you James, you are a radiant star.” He saw the softness in James's eyes, but also confusion. Like he didn’t believe himself worthy of this praise. Thomas wanted to shower him with praise until every fiber of his being believed he was a great man. “May I see?” He asked as he lowered his eyes to the open coat.

“I’m sorry.”

“May I see the place where you claim to be sore.” He wanted to make sure a healer really wasn’t necessary.

“My ribs?” James asked confused.

“Yes, you are my guest and as such it is my job to take of you.”

“That is hardly necessary, my lord.”

“You went to battle for me, let me do this for you, James.”

Reluctantly James took of his long coat and unbuttoned his shirt. It didn’t take Thomas long to spot a big bruise on the right side just underneath his ribs. “That looks painful.”

“Bruises usually look worse than they are.”

Thomas scanned further and found a scar below the man’s bellybutton. “Where did you get that?”

“First trip with the navy, pirate sticked his knife in.”

“Oh dear God.” He honestly didn’t know what to say. James said it so carelessly like it was nothing. Thomas had to disagree. “Amy?” He raised his voice.  He waited for the blond haired girl to enter the room. “Could you make a cup of tea for us, and bring me some of the herbs the cleric left behind last Sunday.” James had already buttoned himself up. “The herbs should help with the pain.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, if you’re up for it. Let’s discuss Lord Simons. I need him on our side. How do we realize this goal?” He said down and looked at the man. There was so much about him he did not know, but he learned new things today and that for some reason made him inexplicably happy.  
  
When he went to bed that night, laid himself next to Miranda already asleep, his mind wandered of; to the bare skin he had seen, the softness in James eyes. His desire to grace the man’s scare and take it away from him.  He had always known something about him was different, that he was different than the rest of the men he had met in life, he could never relate to their stories of endless pleasure and desire, the longing and the thrill of the chase. But maybe he wasn’t that different after all, whatever he was feeling now, who was to say that wasn’t something a kin to the thrill of the chase. The chase for James McGraw and knowing him better than any person to have walked this earth.


	9. IX

**James**

For a Wednesday night the tavern was surprisingly empty, maybe there was another hanging at the docks that the locals went to see. Today had been a weird day. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of it yet. He had expected an angry Lord Hamilton and was given one that was flattered and kind instead. On top of that the man had praised him in a way nobody had before and it had made him so very happy, confused but definitely happy. He wasn’t sure he deserved Thomas’s praise about being a radiant star, but he wanted to believe it. And he at the very least want to become someone worthy of the praise. The man confused him in general. There was a great deal of admiration for him, but at times he felt like there was something else, something he couldn’t put his finger on yet. He had felt uncomfortable showing Thomas his bruises, but he wasn’t sure what thought drove to that discomfort. He had been buck naked in front of men many times, what made this one so different that he cared about being bare-chested.   
“Oh, go on. Spill it.” He saw miss Lemonit walk towards the bar, “when you’re just staring at your glass. I know something is on your mind.”

“I’m just trying to figure out how I got myself here.” He explain. It was a fib, though not entirely.

“You mean, as a liaison to the Hamiltons” She responded, he looked up.

“How-”

“I recognized him in the carriage.” She filled his glass with some ale. “It must be amazing to be surround with the likes of them.”

“Amazing is one way to describe it.”

“You should have said something when we were talking the other day.” He had to admit he didn’t know what she was referring too. “Are those rumours about Lady Hamilton true?”

“Rumours..?” Ah yes, those infidelity rumours. The men she had allegedly slept with. He didn’t think they were true, but he could understand why one would presume as much. The lady had a way with words, much like her husband, to make you feel special to be in her presence. She had laid her hand on his arm when she had thanked him for defending her honour and virtue. Such small things in their world would probably lead to gossip of all sorts. “I don’t think they are. She loves her husband very much, I’m sure of this.” He knew for a fact he was right. The way she looked at him spoke volumes, they weren’t a couple for affectionate display in public though. Even at the salon before they parted it was kiss on the cheek. Where other lords gave their wives, or mistresses even, a kiss on the lips. James didn’t mind, he never really understood the need to display these things in public in the first place.

“Lucky her.” Miss Lemonit replied. “What I wouldn’t give to be married to a lord?”

“Not all lords are like Thomas though.”

“Thomas? Oh dear. Have we become friendly?”

“I don’t think so yet.” He wouldn’t call Thomas a friend, he wasn’t really sure what he’d call Thomas at the moment to be honest. ‘Partner’ he could almost hear the lord say. “We are partners in a mission, like I said before, he’s different than other lords I have met.”

“I heard he is one foot away from a trip to Bethlem.” She whispered.

“I can assure you, miss. Lord Hamilton is anything but mad. He just has a lot of people that are jealous of him spreading false rumours I gather.”

“Ah, I guess making enemies isn’t hard to do even for Lords.” Everyone had enemies, England, Nassau, the lords as they fought amongst themselves, the navy, the enemy could even be found at the end of a barrel of rum or even worse the face you see in the mirror. James had lived his life knowing enemies were everywhere. Enemies had killed his parents, Enemies had taken his grandfather away, his grandmother. Enemies had given him scars and bruises and all these Enemies came in different shapes and forms. He wondered which enemies Thomas had faced in life. The loss of his sister was one, but what else was there. He wanted to know, he wanted to protect him from them. “- and before you know it, they are all gone.” Who were gone?

“Apologies. Fatigue seems to have taken hold of me. I’m going to take an early night and sleep.” He walked up the stairs, unlocked his door and set himself down on his bed. It was cooler here than downstairs, he undressed himself, thinking back to that moment with Thomas. What was it he had thought? He put on his night shirt and fell back on the bed. It was way too warm to sleep underneath the blankets tonight.


	10. V

**James**

James had returned two days later to the mansion. He had arrived after breakfast and had spent most of the day with Thomas in his office. One discussion after another. Thomas was not wearing his wig again. His blond hair neatly combed to the side. It suited him James thought. They had also no longer bothered to be wearing their entire uniforms, the coats were off. Everything was less formal and for once James didn’t mind. The bruises had darkened but the pain had lessened and he felt at ease with the man walking around the room, pacing from the door to the window, standing, sitting down. He found the lord restless at times, as if someone was standing behind him whip in hand to speed this process along. Maybe it was his passion that drove Thomas, but James believed there to be more to it. There simply had to be.   
  
Now he was staring at a pamphlet and not a very impressive one. “Herein lies the problem we face if we are to secure Nassau's future. It is a problem that has festered for more than a generation. And it's a problem most insidious.”

“Illiteracy?” He joked, sometimes he simply had to try to lighten the mood.

“Her husband. Governor Robert Thompson, the one accepting bribes from pirate captains as fast as they can pay them in exchange for catering to their every need. Meanwhile, he's sending word back to his pamphleteer friends in London about the scourge of the pirate menace, which garners him sympathy and support, which solidifies his position, and which only fuels the underlying problem.”  

He was proud that Thomas had gone out of his way to find more corrupted overseas governors. It made him feel like he was really helping this cause along. “That's true, but I don't see how we can do anything about it.” That he had to admit, as much as he wish he could say otherwise.

“We can't get an honest man appointed governor in the Bahamas?”

“We can get him appointed. The problem seems to be keeping him honest thereafter.”

“Well, what stands in the way of it?”

“Well, the Atlantic Ocean. Put a man on an island, give him power over other men, and it won't be long before he realizes that the limits of that power are nowhere to be seen. And no man given that kind of influence will remain honest for very long.”

There was a knock on the door. “Yes?” Thomas answered. The door opened and Lady Hamilton walked in.

“Came to make sure you two were still alive.” She greeted him with courteous nod of the head, He could feel her staring at him, something in her eyes made him immediately look away. Those darn rumours that nagged on in his head, even if he chose not to believe them. There was doubt, he shameless had to admit now. “No one's heard from you in hours.”

He watched as she walked towards her husband, placing her hands on both sides of his shoulders. “The lieutenant was just recounting to me his belief that the only thing that stands between us and a prosperous Nassau is an ocean, 100 years of history, and human nature.” Thomas had taken hold of her hand.

“Has he been like this all day?”

“More or less, ma'am, yes.” She laughed and walked away from her husband towards the large bookshelf on the right side of him.

“A gift.” She said as she approached him. He was receiving a gift from her. Was she allowed to do that without Thomas’s approval?

“One of my favourites. And you might find it helpful in dealing with my husband going forward.”

“Thank you, dear. Well played. Although that edition is in Spanish. I don't think the lieutenant speaks it.” Apparently the lord didn’t object to the gift, which made it hard for him to refuse even if he could read Spanish.

“Perhaps he should learn. In his profession, you never know when it might be useful.” She smiled. She was very clever, that he knew for sure.

“Thank you my lady.” James said “I will certainly consider learning Spanish, though I might not have much time for that.”

“With my husband taking up all your time, you mean.” She smiled, she looked at Thomas for a brief moment.

“It is for an important cause.” He reminded her and himself. “But maybe once Nassau has been saved Spanish can be my next challenge.”

“I think you will find Spanish an easier task to manage than dealing with my husband.” She grinned.

Thomas laughed “Come now dear. I’m no slave driver.” No, James thought, he wasn’t. But he remembered his thoughts of a few minutes ago, someone or something was driving him though.

“I will leave you to it then.” She walked towards the door. “I assume you will be staying for dinner, Lieutenant?”

“If you will have me.”

“The cook is making something Italian today.” She smiled and with that she had disappeared. The atmosphere had also changed, but he couldn’t tell if it was an improvement or not.

“My wife likes to try out new things.” Thomas commented. “Oh, and about the book. We have an English version as well, though it currently resides at Lord Ashe’s mansion. His wife is reading it.”

“English would be preferable.” James smiled.

“Would you care from some fresh air?” He got up. “My wife is right, we have been in here for hours.”

James quickly followed “Sounds like a good plan.”

The Hamilton family manor had a beautiful garden. Large with many plants and flowers. It even had a pond. “I really need to get someone to clean up this place.” James looked around, he didn’t really see anything that was out of sorts, but then he knew very little about gardening.

“Are there any fish in the pond?” He asked as they walked towards it. In all the time he had spent in the mansion he had only ever seen three rooms; the parlour, the dining room and the study.  This was his first time outside. The sun was shining and it made Thomas’s eyes bluer than James had ever seen them be.

“There should be.” Thomas answered. “Though I could not tell you which kind. My father got them years ago.”   
  
Thomas tone and demeanour always changed when he mentioned his father. The powerful Earl and owner of this ground. He was currently staying overseas with family friends in Amsterdam, trying to gather support from the Dutch monarchy to join the English in their war against Spain. The Dutch were a strong nation, if not the strongest amongst the countries dominating the seas and colonies. “Do you expect him to return any time soon?” He carefully asked him.

“One should always expect my father, but a letter arrived this morning saying he would remain in Amsterdam for a little while longer.”

That would explain why Thomas was more driven today. His father had undoubtedly reminded him about the need for a quick solution. There had been someone with a whip standing behind him after all. “Good. Though I would have liked to inform the Earl that we’re making good progress.” He smiled.

Thomas looked at him, “I feel we’re moving rather slowly, to be frank.”

“It’s been less than three weeks. For the amount of time passed we’ve already achieved more than I imagined.” He wanted to put the man walking beside him at ease. He understood all too well how he must be feeling and he knew that it was a horrible feeling to have. He looked at the mansion in front of him and saw Amy walk towards them. “I believe dinner is to be served.”

Thomas gave him a smile, that he knew was forced, yet didn’t look it in the slightest. “Great timing.”


	11. VI

**James**

It was a Tuesday morning and James had finished another page of Meditations. He was usually a quick reader but with every page he found himself wondering what Thomas his interpretations were. Why this was his favourite book.

There was a knock on the door, probably his landlord since miss Lemonit would always announce herself or immediately ask a question. Her husband was more of a silent type. Was it time to pay for the accommodation again? The days had all blurred into one. He wasn’t even dressed yet or had done his hair. He was given the day off, so had taken to spending it lazily reading through this book. He walked towards the door and opened it. “Lady Hamilton?” He was shocked to see the woman standing at the other side. She looked incredibility out of place in this tavern, beautifully dressed up as always.

“I asked the carriage driver for your address.” She clearly hadn’t expected him to open the door in the state he was in either, “Lieutenant, it's rather cold out here.” She noted.

“I beg your pardon. Please, come in.” He doubted his room was much warmer, but he had coal heating it up unlike the stairwell.  He quickly pulled on his shirt and she was removing her coat and gloves. The end of April had proven to be colder than the start of it.

“It's tidy.” She remarked, he supposed that would be the closest thing a room like this would be called by someone of noble blood.

James walked to the door “Lady Hamilton, it's very generous of you to come visit me, but perhaps I could now escort you back to your carriage.” It was best if she didn’t stay too long with the rumours swirling around her. He didn’t want to add to those.  

“Are you familiar with Jonathan and Margaret Grey, Lieutenant?”

“The Duke and Duchess of Surrey?”

“As you may or may not be aware, they hold one of the largest collections of Egyptian artifacts in all of Europe. I thought perhaps today you'd join me in viewing them as my guest.”

“You mean yours and your husband's?”

“Thomas is otherwise engaged. It would just be you and I.”

And this was why those rumours were so persistent he thought. She saw no shame in bringing another man to the house of a Duke. “I don't think that's a very good idea.” He decided. It really wouldn’t be. He cared for her and her husband. He had already shamed them by getting into a fight, he would do no more.

“Why wouldn't it be a good idea? Would you not enjoy my company?” She was witty, he had to admit.

“That would seem to be beside the point. - The point is – “

“How it would look.”

“Yes, ma'am. Exactly.” So she got it then.

“Are you happy, Lieutenant?” She asked him.

“Happy?” He wondered, what an odd question. “In what regard?”

She walked towards him, hands folded in front of her dress. “In my experience, there is an inverse relationship between the degree of one's happiness and the concern one suffers for what the neighbours think.”

“This isn't an abstraction, ma'am.” He countered, neighbours were the least of his worries, there was Thomas to consider and what he would think. After all he had not asked him to indulge his wife while he was away. He hadn’t even mentioned being engaged the last time they spoke. “Were your husband to hear –“

“I love my husband. I know what's said about me behind my back. Whispers of infidelities. My husband's heard them. And I suspect, given the look on your face, you've heard them, too. Thomas and I are not bothered by them.” She walked towards him, invading his personal space. For a moment he wasn’t sure what she would do next. Though she simply grabbed her coat and said “The only question that remains is are you?” He had no honest answer, they did bother him but not for the reasons she might think. He had seen both of them and found them to be mesmerizing humans, he simply didn’t like hearing people speak ill of them. He remembered Thomas’s remark during the salon, it would appear he really wasn’t bothered by what other people had to say about him or his wife. So in way why should he.

“You should ask miss Lemonit for a drink, while I get myself ready to accompany you.” He opened the door and watched her leave. Could he take her to the showing? He wondered. He grabbed one of his bows and quickly did his hair. Just because the rumours didn’t bother them didn’t mean they couldn’t, in the end, harm them or the work he was doing with Thomas. He was the liaison. What would Admiral Hennessey say if he found out he was spending his time accompanying lady Hamilton to royal gathering. He could only imagine the disdain on his face. No, this was a bad idea, he concluded.

 

 

“Where are we going? I'm quite certain this isn't the way to the Greys' residence.” Lady Hamilton noted as she looked outside the carriage after a few minutes. He knew she would catch on before the end of the ride.

“I quietly instructed the driver to take you home.” He informed her.

“Propriety.” She said softly, almost shaking her head as if he had disappointed her, even so he felt he made the right decision. He was a lieutenant, she was Lady Hamilton. There were rules and appearances one had to keep. He was sure of this.

“Lady Hamilton, do you know what would happen in my world if people just did as they please with no regard for convention? Columbus would still be sailing in circles off the coast of Spain.” She laughed at this serious reply.

“I imagine there are two kinds of men who make their life at sea. Those whose sense of duty forces them to leave any sense of permanence or identity behind them and those for whom that is the attraction.”

“Which do you think I am?”

“I think you're someone who's very good at managing how you're perceived.” True, James thought, “And perhaps getting what you want without anyone ever knowing how you did it or perhaps if it ever happened at all.” She was smart for sure, and seemed to have an idea of how he gotten to become a lieutenant.

“Perhaps” She paused with a smile on her face and a twinkle in eye. He was curious what would follow next, what she would say next. She had a most amazing mind that drew him in with each word she spoke.

“Don't tell me propriety has worked its evils on you, too, now.” He commented, reminding her of what she had accused him of earlier in the conversation.

“I was going to say that perhaps you're more concerned with whether or not people talk about what you and I do may be doing behind closed doors than with what we actually are doing.” He couldn’t deny that, he had declined her offer to escort her not because any between them had happened, but because it would look as if something was already going on. She smiled at him, he might be imagining things but he thought she was also flirting with him, as maybe she had done in the past, yet he had always brushed it off as Lady Hamilton simply being Lady Hamilton. Surely this was inappropriate, though he felt flattered receiving this kind of attention from such a noble woman. Propriety, he remembered her saying. Yes, she clearly did not care about those. She was beautiful, and for a second he wondered if he could shed his own ideas. Not care like her. There seemed so much freedom in the idea. So he grabbed her hand to which she smiled approvingly. She had wanted him to make a move on her. She leaned forward taking control of the situation. Whatever would happen now, he doubt he could step back and refuse her. He also didn’t want to insult her. So he kissed her. She was a good kisser, he concluded. He had kissed many women, but she was more skilled than most of them combined. When the kiss had come to an end, he could feel her smile. She looked at him, eyes filled with desire and lifted herself up. Would she really go further in a carriage? She pushed him back and straddled him and kissed him until the end of the ride.

When he arrived back in his room later that day, it felt as if today he had been completely someone else. Someone that he didn’t even know. As if today had been a dream, or maybe a nightmare. He had enjoyed her company even when they had gone back to the mansion and he had taken her in one of the guest rooms. It had been pleasurable then, having been abstinent for so long, but now he felt disgusted with himself. He looked at the book on the table, the book Thomas had lent him. The man he had betrayed in a most horrible way. How would he ever face him again?   
He had failed Thomas, he had failed the Admiralty, that radiant star Thomas spoke off, the praise of Hennessey, they haunted him now. Fed into his guilt as the sky turned darker. He saw no other way but to resign, forgiveness was out of the question. Who would forgive such an act? No, this would be the end of everything, he had fucked it all up. “ _You’re animal, that is what you are._ ” He heard Pickram say, taunting him. “ _a wild animal, look at you.”_ He could practically hear his laughter aimed at him. James looked at himself in the mirror, the memory of the laughter of his comrades loud in his ear. “ _Maybe if he likes you enough, he may even let you fuck his wife.”_ With rage James smashed his fist into the mirror. He preferred the pain, he deserved the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for reading this, this has to be by far the most challenging chapter I have written so far, since I had to decide what I believe to have been Flint's reasons for action. Especially considering what is canonically yet to come. I should probably say that I believe everything Flint is, in Black Sails, has always been a part of James, inside of him. As the show hinted at with Hennessey's words. So I wanted to show that even before he became captain flint, he had moments where you can see hints of him, moments were he didn't think before he spoke or acted, other voices in his head.   
> I hope everyone is enjoying the story so far and I hope you will like the direction I continue to take you all in.   
> Thanks for the suppport, it's a real motivator :-)<3


	12. VII

**Thomas**

Thomas had sent a carriage for James in that morning. He wanted to discuss something with him, an idea he had that would surely cause quite the stir. He waited in the study for the maid to announce to him the Lieutenant had arrived. When James entered the room, there was something off about him, very off. Miranda had been in an utter best mood when he arrived, the same however, could not be said for the man standing in front of him. Thomas had looked forward to seeing James again. Somehow he had missed the man in the five days he had been gone. He had already missed him the first day in Edinburgh.  The man continued to look at his own feet, wheels in his head turning. Whatever was tormenting the lieutenant, it had something to do with him as well. What bad news would James deliver to him today? Had Nassau been lost before they had even started? Was he to be send overseas for a different mission?  
“Are you going to be staring at your feet all day or do you have any intentions of informing me as to why  you cannot meet my eyes?” He decided to ask. Whatever would happen, would happen. The good and the bad.

“Forgive me, my lord.” He sounded defeated. “I must resign from this mission.”

“Absolutely not.” Thomas stated strictly “If Hennessey or my father have pulled you from this mission, I will personally convince them otherwise.”

“Nobody is forcing my hand, my lord. I am simply unfit.” James addressed him again, in such a matter it painted him.

“You said that before, I disagreed then and I disagree now.” What had happened in these five days that could have let to this moment he did not know, but he doubted it was as massive as the man would believe it to be. James was still avoiding his eyes. He walked toward the window and looked outside. “I do not care what rumours you have created in my absence, they do not affect my judgement of you.”

“They’re not rumours my lord, whatever you have heard. It is the truth. I must apologize and insist you assign yourself a new liaison one worthy of your trust and company. I will accept the consequences on my actions.”

“Why don’t you give me some time to think it over. You can come back tomorrow and we can discuss it then.” He still had no idea what had happened though he had a feeling Miranda would. If James believed he knew, he would be back tomorrow.

“I don’t see how there is anything to discuss.”

“James. This is not an option. We will talk about this further. Have you learned nothing over the course of the time we have spent together. I am a most stubborn man.” He turned around and thought he spotted a hint of smile on James’s face. “You are dismissed. I will send a carriage for you tomorrow.” The man bowed and left the room. Thomas was baffled and most curious as to what exactly had taken place while he was away. He had a good feeling he knew though, but he wanted his convictions confirmed from the source itself.

 

 

“I’m not angry.” He realised he had raised his voice slightly, something he rarely did. “you know I do not mind you sleeping with other men.” He controlled himself. “but why did it have to be James?” It bothered him that it had been James more than with the other men there had been.

“He’s a very attractive man.” Yes, Thomas could see that too, would even agree if this was a slightly more leisured talk.

“He is my partner. What if he had resigned? What if he still does?” Thomas countered. “You could have jeopardized everything all for sleeping with a man you deem attractive?”

“I’m sorry my dear, clearly that was not my intention.”

“I can live with these rumours, we can live with them. James can’t. Us nobles we are able to get away with a lot more than commoners. If this came out it wouldn’t hurt us, it would hurt him. His career." He looked at her. "My father would make him disappear if I wouldn’t beat him to it. You know this.” Miranda bowed her head, he knew she understood she had been in the wrong. “I’m not angry.” He repeated, “but next time you feel the need to be intimidate with another man, please pick someone else.”

“There is no one else I’m interested in.” She stated, folding her hands on her lap.

“Then try to control yourself until you find a replacement, or at the very least be a little more discreet if James agrees to stay on as my partner.” He walked towards her and placed his hand on her shoulder. “I cannot let anything distract us from this mission, I will not allow anything to get in the way of it. I’m sorry my love. As soon as this over, I will gladly give you my blessing if you still want James, but for now at least try to consider the situation we find ourselves in.”

“I know this is important to you Thomas.” Miranda spoke, “I should have considered that more, good sense escaped me. It had simply been too long.”

“Yes, I supposed we did get rid of the cook over a year ago, though I was under the impression Michael Ashe had been keeping you company as well.”

“Michael hasn’t been interested in me, since his wife has stated to wanting more children.”

“So Lady Ashe is finally putting out.” Gossip always came in handy, he had known from Peter, Michael’s wife wasn’t exactly thrilled to be married off to him and therefore their sexual encounters were few and in between. The youngest of Ashe family, however, was a very sexually driven person, Miranda had informed him.  Peter was none the wiser when they vacant in this manor during his trips overseas. He blessed the man sometimes for his obliviousness. “I’m sorry you lost a lover.” He stated, wishing she would have told him. He might have been able to have prevented the encounter with James. “And I’m sorry I’m not a better husband to you.” He kissed her forehead. "Forgive me." He was very well aware, her affairs where the results of his inadequacy after all.


	13. VIII

**James**

James was seated on his chair behind his desk. He had gotten dressed and was now awaiting judgement. “James, dear.” Miss Lemonit spoke from behind the door. “Lord Hamilton is here.”

So the man had decided to come himself, somewhere away from the mansion. Would he be taken to the Admiral to confess his sins and stripped of all he had worked so hard for? Everything he had worked his life towards to be endangered by single moment of bad judgement. James had been reckless and a fool.  “I’m coming.” His voice was a little unstable. He didn’t look in the mirror to see if he looked alright. It was shattered anyway.  He opened the door and brushed passed the older woman.

“Are you sure you are alright? You don’t look well at all to me.” She worried.

“I’m fine.” He reassured her. “Though we might have to discuss somethings when I get back.”

“Well, Alright then dear. Any idea when that will be?”

“Not even a clue,” He said, head hung down.

When James entered the carriage, Thomas was seated to the right. He had barely sat down when he heard Thomas ask “What happened to you hand?”

He knew he had forgotten something,  his gloves. His knuckles were covered in scabs. “It’s nothing.” He pulled his hands back, trying to hide them from sight.

“Nonsense. Where did you get these? Did you get into another fight?”

“It doesn’t matter.” He looked out the carriage. He wondered where Thomas was taking him, would he even come back at all to the tavern, back to Lady Lemonit, back to the Navy. Thomas sighted but he seemed to let it rest.

They were silent for a while. James didn’t know what to say but the silence was maddening. “When I first met Miranda, she was breath of fresh air.” Thomas suddenly started. “She was intelligent, literate and spoke her mind. I found out we had many things in common and quickly became fond of her. So when my parents gave a me a list with marriage candidates of noble blood, I choose her. It was the easiest decision in my life I had ever made,” James believed that, “and over the course of the years fondness became love. And I love my wife very much, and we are happy together, but we weren’t always.” James frowned and briefly looked at the man before turning his eyes to first button of Thomas’s waistcoat. “I have enemies, enemies that lie within, that prevented me from making her happy the way a husband is supposed to do.” He didn’t know what to make of this. What kind of inner enemies could someone like Lord Hamilton have. He knew his inner demons, but those born under poverty were known to have many. “It is not something I can change, but it harmed our marriage for the first few months. I knew then I had condemned her to a life of misery and that the twinkle in her eye would soon be gone if things did not change. So we talked, one summer night in our room as I laid my enemies before her. She understood them, for which I will be eternally grateful. And because I wanted her to be happy, we came to an arrangement, one that allowed her to fulfil her desires.” James thought he knew where this was going. “She would be allowed to take on a lover. It would seem during my absence she had decided to choose you.” So he knew, James suspected as much since yesterday, but had he known all along she was planning on fucking him? “She’s interested in you. I made it clear to her, that I’m not too thrilled about this considering your importance to me and the cause, but I’m not angry. I’m not angry at her and I am not angry at you. As long as we can continue our partnership and it is not being put in jeopardy, I can accept this.” James looked up at him, surprised. He could accept him sleeping with his wife? Maybe Thomas was mad after all. Most people would give the other a good beating and that was just amongst the less wealthy. “I want her to be happy. However, if this is not what you want, you need to say so. You might find you cannot refuse her and you would not be first, but if that is the case, I need you to tell me.” Thomas looked very serious with concern his eyes, concern for his well-being. This man had forgiven him, accepted the situation and was currently busy worrying over him. James did not feel like he was deserving of any of it. “Our cook died after we were married for two years, and the new one, Miranda would describe to me as a Greek god.” The way the man had said the words made James smile, he clearly disagreed with the description. “He quickly became her lover, but when I asked him why he slept with my wife, he told me he did not dare to oppose her. You see, the cook had a family to support and a rather large one at that and he was afraid that if he turned down her advantages he would lose his position and would no longer be able to provide for his family.” James understood where Thomas was going with this now. He was a lieutenant and therefore in a lesser position. “I couldn’t keep him on so he works for a different lord now. But what I am trying say is that you are free to decline. I have no intention of breaking partnership with you, regardless of what my wife might at some given point think of you. Not everyone understands that in these situation there is a possibility for abuse of power. I would not have you submitted to this abuse, James. Do you understand?”

“Yes, My lord.” James answered.

“Good.” Thomas smiled. “And no more talk about resigning. You are stuck with me, better to accept it.” James couldn’t  believe it but nodded his head.  “Now, about those hands?”

James smiled and felt utterly self-conscious. “I’m afraid I misstepped on the stairs.” He lied.

Thomas leaned forward and gently took his right hand,  inspecting it. Like he had with the bruises underneath his rib. The act made James feel uneasy. It stirred feelings up in him he didn’t want to see surfaced. “I never picked you for being clumsy.” He mused. He was still holding his hand though.

“Maybe after a few” he joked.

Thomas released his hand and cocked his head “yes I supposed.” Then he laughed. “I’m just having a hard time imagining what you would be like when you’ve had a few.”

“Pretty much the same, just clumsier.”

“So it would appear.” Thomas smiled.

“May I ask where we are going?” James looked outside the carriage and noticed they were surrounded by trees. It was safe now to assume they weren't going to wherever his doom laid. 

“A friend of mine is having a salon, his manor lies just beyond these woods. It’s rather private. Mind you, I had to put in a great deal of effort to convince him to allow your presence over many meals in Scotland.”

“Who am I meeting?” James wondered, whoever it was this person was of high importance. He felt like he should have dressed more for the occasion, but then this was the last thing he had expected to happen this morning.

“Thomas Howard, 8th Duke of Norfolk” James took a deep breath. He had heard rumours of the Duke, and not ones he would advise anyone loyal to Queen Anne to associate themselves with. He was understood to be Jacobite. “I have to warn you though, the Duke is a Catholic. Neither one of us has a desire to put our difference in this matter between us.”

“I did not know the Duke had a manor so close to London.” James commented. Clearly Thomas was aware of the rumours, but like with everything else, seemed not to care. Though the lieutenant in James felt unsettled about a Jacobite having access to housing so closely to the queen’s residence.

“Only very few do, and it is only used for salons.” Thomas pointed at a grey bricked manor that came into view for the carriage already. “during this salon, it is not about engaging, it is about observing. Very different types of influential men and sea lords attend his salons than mine. You will find some of them to be of foreign descent.” James figured these men would be different, most of them would be considered traitors to the crown if confirmation was found of their loyalty. Thomas might not be a Jacobite, but if word came out he attended these salons, it would surely harm his reputation. “I would also ask of you to not betray the trust I place in you. I know you have to answer to higher ups, but it is important for the future of this country, that the names and faces you see here remain a secret. Unless it is well known by your superiors they are Catholics. I suppose their attends would be suspected anyways.”

“So we are here to simply watch and gather information and pray nobody at some point exposes you to have been here.”

“Precisely. Where the Duke and I are friends, many of these people would oppose any idea of saving Nassau for Queen Anne. To know them and their thoughts, is key. If we are to safe her.”

“Know thy enemy.” James nodded. He was impressed with Thomas, but then he always was. He grinned. He was attending this salon to win support for his cause even if that support came from lords with different views. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. James smiled and shook his head slightly.

“Does this amuse you?” Thomas asked.

“Not all. I’m simply astound and to be frank you never cease to surprise me.”

Thomas smiled at him and there was this look in his eyes again, that softness that enchanted James. “Thank you for the compliment.” The carriage had come to a halt. “Ready, Lieutenant McGraw.” He said as he stepped outside.

“Ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like my idea of Thomas, I mirrored him after me. As a demisexual gay, I find it very hard to be psychical with people of the opposite sex without feeling like bugs are crawling over my skin. I wanted their to have been a reason for Miranda to have lovers and for thomas not to have problems with it like in canon and considering the time they lived in, this was one of the few explanations I could come with that would make sense. Plus writing from experience is easier.  
> I know I used to upload a chapter a day, but I'm going to leave some more space between them now, so I'm always at least a chapter a head per time. Sadly it's easier to post 10,000 words in a few days than to write them, reread them and edit them. Especially now that life is taking up more time as well. Do expect at least an update per week. I'm currently at 31K words, so there is still plenty to come.  
> Also flinthamilton week is starting soon and I do want to participate, so that will take up some time and might mean less posting here depending on the themes.  
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you will continue to enjoy the story.


	14. XIV

**Thomas**

The mansion was dark. Amy had opened the door, candle in her hand to guide him up the stairs. “You should take the morning off.” He told her. “It’s already so late. I have to apologise for my time. The salon lasted far longer than anticipated, nonetheless it was utterly fascinating.”

“It pleases me to hear my lord had such a good time.” She politely replied. Amy had been with them from the very start, though she was still a girl then, 17. She had come with her mother, who still worked in the kitchen. “thank you for your kindness.”

“Did my wife stay up long?”

“She went to bed around 10, my lord.”

“Good. Good.” He would have hated it if she had stayed up, considering it was well pasted midnight.

“Will my lordship have breakfast at nine?”

“Best make it ten this time round. I’m rather exhausted.” He was. He hadn’t gotten much sleep in Scotland and last night he had spent most of the night wondering about James and how to handle the situation. With another busy day, he felt like he could use some rest for a whole week.

“I will leave a note for the cook.”

Thomas smiled. “Thank you, Amy.” They had reached his bedroom. “I will see in you in the morning. Good night.”

“Good night my lord.”

He opened the door as quietly as he could not wanting to wake Miranda.

“Thomas.” He heard her whisper.

“I was trying not to wake you.” He said apologetic.

“I had yet to fall asleep.” She lit one of the oil lamps on the nightstand. Illuminating the room enough for Thomas to get undressed properly.

“Something keep you awake, my love.” He asked. His wife rarely had trouble sleeping. It was him who could lie in bed staring at the ceiling forever.

“How did things go with the lieutenant?” She asked. There was hesitation in her voice, as if she felt like asking this might have crossed a line. Had she stayed up all this time worrying about James?

He sighted. “Fine. James isn’t going anywhere. I was able to sort things out.” He could see the relieve wash over her face. “You needed worry about these things.”

“I know.” Miranda smiled. “When you put your mind to something you always get results.”

He climbed into bed and got underneath the covers. Miranda put out the light and laid beside him. He would talk with James again the day after tomorrow, enough time to catch some rest he hoped.

When morning came he woke to an empty bed. There was no need for formal wear, so he opted for something comfortable. When he arrived at the dining room, his breakfast was ready and the newspaper was laid out before him. The headline read, _Newly trained sailors lack the skill to survive._  
This war with Spain, the war with Scotland that he knew was brewing in the dark, the war with the pirates, when would it all end. 

He went to his study, read the Book of Isaiah once more and grabbed a piece of paper, his quill and dipped it in a bottle of black ink.

_Dear Peter Ashe,_

_Having attended the salon of Thomas Howard. I feel it is urgent we gather our closest allies to discuss some news I heard regarding the safety of England. Further I would like to discuss Nassau with you. My father being otherwise engaged on the Queen’s behalf, I have yet to converse with him on the matter. I was informed he spoke with you during your brief visit to Amsterdam last week._  
In regards to Michael Ashe, my wife and I shall keep him in our prayers. May the good Lord soon return your brother to good health.   
I entrust you shall arrange a meeting swiftly.  

_Yours sincerely,_

_Lord Thomas Hamilton_


	15. XV

**James**

“It was rather impressive sir.” He sat at the same table as last time, though this time Hennessey had left the rest of officers on board or had instructed them to be elsewhere. “The Duke of Norfolk walks in very different circles than Thomas.”

“I’m sure he does. Thank you for sharing with me the information you have gathered, the outcome of these plans affect us all. Very well done.” The man praised him. He had left the names out as requested. The Admiral only needed the details, when asked who attend he said he hadn’t know them by name, but that he deemed that of little importance. “It seems Lord Hamilton places a lot of trust in you already.”

“He does. Though he strikes me as a person to easily place trust in someone, if I may say so.”

“That much I had gathered.” Hennessey placed his glass on the table.

“That is not to say I think he easily tells everyone his darkest secrets. He prefers to simply not make people into the enemy until proper evidence can be found to do so.” James defended. Thomas wasn’t a fool to just blindly trust others, he hoped, but perhaps the skill laid in making people believe he did. And therefore trapping them into engaging with him.

“To converse with a rumoured Jacobite…” the man shook his head, “Lord Hamilton might not be mad, but it is certainly radical.”

“If the Scottish Lords can support his plans to safe Nassau, he would have powerful allies.” James remarked. “The Duke is twice his age and more experienced in the fields of politics, but from what I could tell, the interactions were genuine.”

“Oh, I understand Lord Hamilton’s motivations. It’s why his father is currently trying to persuade the Dutch.” Hennessey said, “We may not agree with the Dutch on certain ideas, but their help in the war with Spain is of greater importance. The young lord is simply applying the same tactics. Though I fear it’s a more dangerous game he could be playing.”

“Yes sir.” He agreed. He believed it to be same though he felt Thomas wasn’t so much persuading them as he was luring them in, without any of them noticing until they had be caught, much like he had been if he admitted it. He went from being sceptical about his ideas, to helping give them form and believing in Thomas. 

“But then the lord is known for being a free thinker.” Hennessey shrugged. “So this would hardly surprise anyone, though it wouldn’t reflect well upon him.”

“I trust you will keep his name out of this. Considering without Lord Hamilton we wouldn’t have this information.” James pressed. He would not have more damage done to Thomas’s name.

Yes, Yes, Of course.” Hennessey nodded. “Listen James. There is another matter I would like to discuss with you. One of importance to England. Most of the new sailors are too fresh, you see. They are passionate but they are missing the skill to put that passion to good use. A lot of these new men come from backgrounds like yours. The Queen is using any men willing to fight. Most of my officers struggle to keep them in line and there is a great deal of mockery going on, which I fear might escalate at some point.”

“I can see that.” James remembered the mockery he went thought during his years with the navy so far.

“It is not the illiteracy that is a problem, or their lack of manners. Though both need to improve if they wish to remain a part of the navy one day. It’s the discipline. The readiness to follow.”

“And you want my help, sir.” James asked.

“Very much so, in fact I believe it to be crucial.” He admitted.  “There is a training scheduled for Monday, where we take the new sailors onto the sea. It’s a two week’s training. I know you are busy with the Hamiltons, but if you could be missed for two weeks, I could surely use you. Give these sailors an example to look up to, you can talk to them in a way they would understand.”

“I have a meeting with Thom- Lord Hamilton tomorrow,” He corrected himself. Hennessey’s expression approved of it. “I will inform him then that I have to fulfil some of my naval duties. I see no reason for the lord to protest.”

“Glad to hear it. I will give you command of one of my ships. “

“You mean as a captain?” James asked. To command his own ship was beyond his wildest imaginations.

“Yes, it’s a training’s mission. Consider it a training for you too.” The Admiral rose from his seat and James courtesy followed “I have to get to my fleet, make sure everyone is still alive.” He semi-joked. “I will see you on Monday, we leave at 4 in the morning sharp.”

“Yes sir.” James was honoured the Admiral wanted him during this training session, recognition and praise was always nice to receive. Captain. For two weeks he would Captain McGraw, he would make sure once this session was over, Hennessey would be ready to give him command more often even if he was given the most troublesome new sailors to mould.


	16. XVI

**James**

“Am I to understand you are willingly going to surround yourself with untrained men and turn them into sailors?” Thomas turned around and looked at him.

“Yes. It was an offer, I simply couldn’t refuse.”

“I understand. You are a lieutenant first and foremost but whatever happened to you not wanting to advantage your career”” Thomas sat down in his chair behind the desk.

“I didn’t ask for this, but I won’t recline it either. He offered. My dedication to Nassau remain untouched by this. It’s an opportunity I simply cannot refuse. Nor do I think the Admiral would have accepted a refusal. ” James tried to reassure him. He meant it too. Hennessey wouldn’t promote him to captain, but after this mission was over, he wanted the man to remember all the reasons why James should be running his own ship in his fleet once his work with Thomas had come to an end.

“No, I suppose he would simply show up here himself and demand me to release you.” Thomas concluded. “This does mean you might miss the meeting with Lord Ashe. Which is a pity. I had hoped to introduce you to him, but I guess that might have to wait as it is.”

“Apologies. Meeting Lord Ashe is something I look most forward to. You always speak very highly of him.”

“Everything that happens happens as it should, and if you observe carefully, you will find this to be so.” Thomas simply cited.

“Marcus Aurelius” He recognized the quote.

Thomas beamed “Yes, indeed it is.”

“Would you like your book back?” He asked. He was still borrowing it and now he would be gone a while, it would be weird to have it in his room.

“Have you finished reading it?”

“No, I am half way. Other things have asked for attention of late.” That and constantly trying to figure out Thomas his thoughts. He should just read it so he could ask.

“Then you should hold on to it.” Thomas decided.

There was a knock on the door before he was greeted with a smile from Miranda “Good day.” She said. “I thought I heard voices.”

“Back so soon?” Thomas asked his wife.

“What can I say, the market had very little to offer this time round.” She waltzed passed him towards her husband. “Had a witch read my palm.”

“Did you now?” He looked up at her and smiled. “Anything good?”

“She said big changes were coming and where the road would be hard, it would lead somewhere in the end just not the end I had in mind.” She laughed. “Can you believe some people actually believe in these things, witchcraft and all.” She directed at him. He felt uneasy when she spoke to him, he had slept with her not long ago and now they were supposed to be having a warm chat, all three of them. “Will you be joining us for dinner?”

“No, Madam.” He answered.

“Please, call me Miranda.”

“Got other plans for tonight?” Thomas interjected, somewhat coming to his rescue in doing so.

“I promised my landlord I’d join him and his wife for dinner.” He explained.

“So I supposed we won’t be seeing you for a while then, considering Miranda and I are visiting Bath for the coming few days.”

“It’s my grandfather’s birthday.” Miranda added.

“It would appear so.” James looked at Thomas and realised he didn’t want to leave the man behind, he didn’t want to leave this room.

“Miranda, dear. Go tell the servant to fetch the carriage for James.” Thomas instructed his wife.

She walked pasted him and he felt her scan him over, right under her husband’s eyes. He did explain their arrangement, but he found it baffling she would flirt with him where he could see and overhear them. “One carriage coming up.”

“You really are a good man. But there is no need to restrain yourself, I’ve seen her kiss plenty of men in front of me.”

“I was simply not in the mood.” He stated.

Thomas smiled. “I wonder how I will spend my days without your presence?”

“As you have done before you met me I presume.”

“Those days seem very far away.” James could relate to that. It had been close to a month but he felt like he had known the Hamiltons for far longer than that.

“You can always go to the market see what the witches have to say about your hands.” He joked to which Thomas laughed, and he found himself laughing along.

“Maybe they could give me the answers to safe Nassau.”

“That would be very helpful indeed.” They were still smiling, never taking their eyes of each other. Thomas got up from his seat. “I supposed I will survive. And I’m counting on you to do the same.”

“Beg your pardon,”

“Training Sailors, running a ship. Sounds very exhausting.”

“Exhausting, but rewarding in the end I hope.”

“I hope so too. Hennessey has a good eye for talent. You will go far in life James and I don’t need a witch to tell me that. I have no doubt one day you will be captain.”


	17. XVII

**James**

Hennessey had assigned him “The Morning”; a small warship. He made sure to meet Pickram’s eyes, wanting to rub it in that he had been assigned Captain and the blond man was still a lieutenant. He boarded the ship and found himself faced with a crew of roughly 25 men. Some were his comrades but most of them were part of the group of new sailors. “Listen up!” He raised his voice. “My name is Captain McGraw, you will address me as such and you will do as commanded. Doubt my command, dare to not follow it and you will find me a most unpleasant person to work under.” Some boys looked impressed, others not so much. “By the end of these weeks, I will have turned each of you into men of the navy. Worthy of fighting for England, and the honour of her Queen.” He approach a fellow comrade standing by the rear. “Ever been a lieutenant, Morgan?” He knew the man by name from passing.

 “No.” He simply answered.

“That would be no captain.” James corrected, if he was to have the respect of these youngsters, he needed it from the higher ranking sailors.

“No captain.”

“Don’t disappoint me. Who knows what could happen in the future if you do well.” He smiled. He didn’t know much about Morgan really. But he knew the man had been at the end of some of Pickram’s taunts and that would bind them enough for this journey. “Let’s show the other ships, what we can do. We don’t have to be best. Just better than “The Rose’.” He smiled, Morgan smiled back.

“Sounds good, Captain. Sounds good.” James nodded. Bond established.

They set sail for the North sea where the largest part of the training would take place. They had the wind in their favour today, which helped, it made it easier to train the sailor the ways of the mast.   
James decided to simply start at the beginning the information they already knew, but instead of using fancy terms. He decided for a more direct approach. “This flag will get hosted up to the mast” he said holding the flag of England in his hand. A captain could decide not to show it. Sail more anonymously and thus avoid the changes of being hunted by a pirate ship or a Spanish warship, though there are risks that a Dutch warship is haunting you if you don’t raise it, mistaking you for pirates. It is a difficult choice, but you must respect the captain decision. He will know best based on the waters you’ll be sailing in.”

“Have ya ever seen any pirates?” A lanky boy asked.

“I have fought them.” James spoke proudly. “Got a scare to prove it too. Pirate stabbed its knife right in my stomach on my first trip to the Islands.”

“You wasn’t any good then.” He replied.

“I was engaged in a fight with three others at the times.” James shrugged. “Killed them all in the end, even with a flesh wound.” He waited for the boy to commend again, but he remained silent. “When you’re under attack by the Spanish or pirates, you have but two options, die or survive. And the only way you will survive is by fighting back.” He looked at Morgan. “If the captain, in this case me, dies during these attacks, the lieutenant will take over. Today the most important lesson I will teach you is not how to survive a fight with the enemy, but how to survive the sea. Because in the end, mother nature is your biggest enemy on the big oceans of the world. The way her wind blows, the storms you will have to face. This ship must survive mother nature to even begin to be ready for war.”

“There is no storm here.” Another boy commented.

James smiled. “That is where imagination comes into play.”

“Captain!” Morgan shouted, all the boys turned their heads to look at him. “We cannot hold these mast much longer in this weather.”

“To the main mast!” He commanded

Being a sailor was so much easier than training them he realised, especially training them in a situation that wasn’t threating at all. Each time the boys got a little better, at handling the masts, following his command. Though the last probably because he had made the scrawny looking boy climb all the way to top and then he pushed him down. He knew the boy would be safe, the mast would catch him. It was a standard way of punishment, though a little outdated. The boy had wet himself as a result and he claimed the next one might not be so lucky. A good captain had respect, but these boys needed to fear him first. He knew that. When he joined up, he respected the captain of his ship for being a captain, but not as person. The man was obnoxious, spoke like he was the King of England. Got on his nerves real quick. He was 15 at the time. So on the second day he was pushed from the top, only James had predicted the mast would hold him, so it didn’t do much for him. He was lucky the boy wasn’t as clever as he had been back then.   
“Next time I’m a captain, I want a real challenge,” He sighted.

“Understandable, though I like being a lieutentant.” Morgan said.

“Good to know.” James smiled. “Think any of these boys have what it takes?”

“Some are quick learners.” Morgan noted, pushing back a stray of black hair. “others time will tell.”

 

 

“Bet the captain’s from some noble fam with lots of money.” The lanky boy said, whose name turned out to be Dave.

James couldn’t resist. “Actually, I was born and raised on Burnery steet”

“I know that street” Someone behind him said. “That’s near the Global docks.”

“Yes it is. Started working there when I was 10. Trying to make some money helping merchants unload their ships. When I was 13 a man came up to me on a snowy day and demanded my help. That day I started working on the Lilac, an English warship. She had been damaged in a fight. It’s how I learned everything I know. No books, but labour. I would hold the spikes, wash the floors, hold the mast in place. Every time I got up in the morning I was excited to work. Standing on that ship, working for England. I knew that was my calling. I did not care I was poor, neither did the men working those months. When the ship was done, I met Admiral Hennessey, he wasn’t an Admiral back then though, he had observed me and thought I would make a good ship’s boy. And from there I worked my way to here; a Captain in the making.”

“I don’t believe it.” Dave said.

“It’s true” Morgan backed him up. “Your Captain is no noble. He’s just like you.” The boys seemed to marvel at that. The encouragement they needed.

“What’s the plan for tomorrow?” The boy asked. He was going to have his hands full with him alone. But Dave reminded him of himself. He asked Hennessey’s his ears of until he had been punished enough times to know not every decision required for him to know why.

“Fishing.”

“Fishing?” Morgan looked at him in surprise.

“Today, we have the wind in our sails. What if one day we don’t. We eat, drink but we stay in the same place no closer to land. And then another day follows and the same thing happens. Do you eat each other?” He smirked “I didn’t think so. So tomorrow, we fish. Like I said, first you need to learn to face mother nature and not to fear her one second.”

The other captains and higher members had looked at his ship with disdain and surprise on Tuesday. They probably though he was out of his mind. But when after 4 hours two boys caught their first fish. The crew cheered, and where yesterday they had been separate groups, they were coming together quite nicely.  He had four sailors oversee the masts with Morgan, Luke was behind the steering whip allowing James to command and inspect the boys. The cook had turned the fish into some eatable and the boys swallowed it down. The benefit of being poor is that everything was eatable if it wasn’t rotten and even somethings you knew you could still eat then.   
  
On Thursday he wanted to challenge the boys, so he gave them their wooden swords and had them fight each other. It was messy, it was weak, even with commands, the motivation wasn’t there. It wasn’t that they weren’t trying, but something was missing. “I have plan, which is possibly crazy.” He told Morgan that night. “but these boys need to learn to fall and get back up.”

The plan had been crazy indeed, he had deliberately steered his ship towards “Victory” Hennessey’s ship. He made it seem like he wanted to board to the ship. Hennessey had most likely given himself the best trained sailors, so that this training would be easy for him. They would be the perfect target.   
“Now listen to me, the moment, we board that ship, you pull out your swords and fight. They are the enemy. They think they are better than you and it’s time you proved them wrong.” He was hoping the Admiral wouldn’t be too angry about the decision. But these boys needed a kick under the butt, and a very literal one. James made his way onto the ship, walked towards Hennessey and said “it’s an exercise.” He didn’t give him long enough to respond though, “Attack” He commanded. The first group of boys came running in or climbing up the ropes if they had more experience in that department and were brave enough to do so. Hennessey’s boys were nowhere near prepared, but that didn’t matter. They were the better fighters, his boys soon found themselves punch in the stomach.

“What are you trying to accomplish here?”

“Survival skills, sir.” He simply answered. “Do not give up!” He ordered. He spotted Dave who had successful managed to take control of the fight he was in, knocking one of the ‘enemies’ over. He pulled a bigger boy of one of his comrades by his hair, which James found highly amusing. But the other boy quickly got up, sword in hand and ready to fight. They were getting their ass kicked, but some of the boys got back up and managed to do good damage themselves. He was sure they would lose this fight. “It is not where you come from that matters, it’s where you are going.” He bellowed, making sure the boys heard him. It was something his grandfather had told him when he first decided to join the navy. Believing he wasn’t good enough for his lack of education. He hoped it would give the boys some encouragement, especially those that seemed to have given up.

“Attack!” Dave shouted as he ran towards an officer, why the boy would chose to attack him was beyond James. But the rest of his boys followed. The defeated got up and in the end his uncontrollable bunch of sailors had gained the upper hand. Not because they were better, but because being poor meant you knew how to survive. Survive the cold winters. The bullies in the streets that would spit on your bread knowing you would still have to eat it. There was fire, there was passion. There was the will to win and that was the lesson James wanted to teach these boys.

He grinned and turned to his Admiral. “Thank you for your help, sir. I believe that skill you were looking for is right there.”

“Yes, it would appear so.” He smiled. “You really are a wild one James, but it pays off today.” James smiled back, though he wasn’t sure the man had meant it as a compliment.

That night James had trouble sleeping, these boys were like him or so Hennessey had said. But they had proven rather easy to tame in his eyes. ‘ _That thing which arises in you when passions are aroused, good sense escapes you. All men have it. But yours, yours is different. Darker. Wilder. I imagine it's what makes you so effective as an officer. But when exposed to extremes, I could not imagine what it is capable of. And of greater concern, I'm not sure you do either.’_ He closed his eyes. Good sense had escape it twice in the last month alone. Maybe the plan today had fallen under the same category, it could have ended up with a whole different outcome. Though he hardly felt like he had been pushed to the extremes, but maybe that is where the danger lied. Not recognizing it. He could never be broken, he always believed that for he had endured enough to develop a thick skin. That, however, did not stop James from wondering just how Dark he was, darker than most he presumed. After all he had one demon he knew not many men shared, but that one was buried deep. He turned to lay on his back. Behind his closed eyes, he saw a pair of blue eyes look back at him, bright, soft and captivating. He opened his eyes and sighted. Thomas Hamilton. He had to admit he missed the man, but he hated himself for feeling this way. More than a week had passed since they had said goodbye, but it felt so much longer already. The sooner they would come up with a plan to safe Nassau the better. James didn’t like being a subject to his emotions and especially not those directed at other men. More importantly if he was dark of nature, he would not allow that to destroy the light that was Thomas.


	18. XVIII

**Thomas**

_Dear Lord and Lady Hamilton,_

_This morning after a short sickbed, Michael Ashe passed away. He has been reunited with the Lord._  
On behalf of the Ashe family you have been invited to the burial on Monday in Reading.   
Lord Ashe has expressed his wishes for you to join him on Friday as close family friends. 

_Yours sincerely,  
Nora Ashe_

Thomas read the letter again. He had only been informed less than a week ago about Michael’s illness. A short illness it had been indeed. He had known Michael for all his life, attended school with him. 27 was far too young to die. When he told the news to Miranda, she wept in his arms. He had been her lover and she had loved him. They decided to ride out to the Ashe manor on Friday, located on the outskirts of London, the drive didn’t take long. They were greeted by one of the staff members as they entered the manor. “Lord Ashe is in his study. Lady Ashe and Laura Ashe can be found in the solar.

“I shall join the ladies” his wife said. He kissed her cheek before she was guided by the maid towards them. Thomas made his way to the study. He knocked on the door twice.

“Yes.”

“It’s Thomas. May I come in?” He heard footsteps and the door was opened. Peter Ashe was standing in front of him. His blond, greyish hair slicked back.

“Thomas, Thomas. Good to see you.” He greeted him as Thomas entered the study. Peter’s study was bigger than his one and far more personal. There was great family portrait hanging on the wall behind his desk.

“I’m very sorry for your lose.” He said.

“I’m still speechless I must admit.” Peter looked worn out. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m not dreaming.”

“I can understand that, if there is anything we can do to help, just let us know.” Thomas offered.

“That is very kind.” Peter sat down. “Laura really wanted Miranda here, she knew they were close.” Thomas wondered if Laura would still wish his wife to be here if she knew how close they had been.

“To lose one’s husband so early on, is a terrible loss. Not to mention the loss for George. Has he been able to understand what has happened?”

Peter sighed. “He is three, I’m not sure how much you can understand at that age.” Thomas admitted he didn’t know either. “Abigail seems to understand though, she is still terribly upset by it. This the first death she has witness from up close.”

“I hope she will find comfort in knowing your brother is in good hands with the Lord.”

"The clergy explained as much. He’s been dropping by every day. The women really seem to appreciate him.”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t have time to listen to him to be honest. Too much to be arranged. His house, his title, the work he had been doing for Queen Anne. Everything needs to be altered.”

“Dear Peter,” Thomas leaned forward. “This is what friends are for. I’m sure I can help you if you would let me.”

“You have always been a good friend Thomas. Your father raised you well.” Thomas looked down, he knew how his father felt about him, so compliments regarding him made him uneasy. He didn’t hate his father, he never wished him ill, but there was no love either.

“What can I do?” He smiled sympathetically

Thomas had spent the remaining part of the day helping Peter write letter to acquaintances. Those that needed to know, but we’re not invited to the burial. He was amazed by the amount of people Peter knew. He was aware Peter was popular, he was powerful, but the list of contacts seemed endless. Some names he knew, others he didn’t. Not all of them were lords, some letters went to distant family members or some of Michael’s friends from Eton and his time as a liaison in Scotland. It was through Michael he had met Thomas Howard, though he had been sworn to secrecy. Michael was Catholic, something very few people knew. He suspected not even Peter knew this or his wife. He decide to write a letter to the Duke though, but as himself. He knew it would be appreciated. He made sure to personally post the letter the next day when Miranda, Lady Ashe and Abigial had wanted some fresh air. Miranda had spent most of the time entertaining the young girl. He so wished he could give Miranda a child of their own. But God had his own plans, he thought. And if god wanted them to have children they would be there some day. Thomas spent his time comforting Lady Ashe, she was more upset than Laura, but then maybe like Miranda she had loved Michael more than his own wife did. “It just proves life is short.” She whipped away a fallen tear from her cheek with a handkerchief he had offered her just minutes ago.

“That is what I believe,” he placed a hand on her shoulder. “Michael is in better place now, and he will be watching over all of you. It is important to celebrate the moments you had together instead of mourning the moments you have lost.” Thomas believed this, but he also knew that if Miranda were to die tomorrow, he’d have trouble holding on to that.

 

 

“From what I gathered.” Thomas was seated in the study with Peter Ashe, Lord Simons and Lord Grey. “The Scottish clans are starting to fall apart. There is a stir amongst them.”

“Where did you gather this information?” Lord Simons asked.

“That must remain private I’m afraid” He told Harry. “These quarrels are brewing but noticeable.”

Lord Grey rose from his chair “You believed this to be a danger to England?”

“That would depend on the clans that remain standing after this quarrel has come to pass.” Thomas explained.

“Some clans want independence, this much is known to us.” Peter added.

“- Which is why it is of utmost importance, we find a way to support the clans that don’t.” Thomas added.

“Prevent a rebellion from happening against England.” Harry nodded. “We cannot afford another war at the moment.”

“But we can aid in ensuring a war never arrives to begin with.” Thomas took a sip of his water. “That much is up to us.”

Lord Grey had gone to stand at the window. “And how do you propose we inform the Queen? She won’t believe it just because we claim to have heard it whispered.”

“Michael.” Thomas looked at the man. Secrets, gossip. It was power in the end. “I’m sorry Peter,”

“My brother?”

“Michael was a Catholic.” Thomas stated. “He confided in me a long time ago. I know where I can find the evidence of that as well.”

“Michael was no Catholic, he was loyal to the Queen!” Peter protest.

“Lord Grey, Lord Simons. Could you give me a moment with Lord Ashe?” The noblemen nodded their heads and left the study.

“I’m Sorry, Peter. But Michael attended the same salons I did. He introduced me to Lord Howard.”

Peter sat down, “Did I not know my brother at all? A traitor to the crown.”

“You knew Michael. His religion is only a small part of who he was. And he was a good man.” Michael was, but he understood that for Peter this might be hard to see at the moment. He hadn't meant to move his hand to use his dead, but it was the only way he could see them moving forward in this.

“You mean to use him as evidence to gain the Queen’s favour of supporting the right clans.”

“Yes, though first we need to make sure we know which clans to support.” Thomas explained. “We need to be careful in our approach, it needs to be planned out, shaped. One mistake and we’re definitely facing a war with the Scotland.”

“And you suggest we take care of this plan?”

“I would do it myself, but the Queen’s wishes to restore the Carolina Colony is taking up my time.”

“I understand.” Peter nodded.  “I suppose I can start up a strategic upon which we could act.”

“That would be a good plan. There is no need to involve the queen yet. But the Duke of York and Lancashire, would be a great asset. I would even suggest they take it out of our hands once the foundation is lain, if they can find evidence of their own we won't need to use Michael.” He nodded to make sure Peter understood him. 

“And you trust them?”

“I do. The Duke of York is old-fashioned. He had no love for the Scottish and is very loyal to the crown.” Thomas looked at Peter determination in his eyes. “He would be most eager to come to our aid.”

 

 

He laid awake that night, he had received word his father would sail in for the burial. Peter had told him the earl wouldn’t stay long. He would arrive late tomorrow evening and was set to sail back straight after. Thomas wasn’t sure if that was a blessing or a curse. It meant there was little time to discuss Nassau and therefore impress his father with the progress made over the month. Thomas had spent most of his time so far, simply gathering information. Finding allies willing to support the fight with ships, men and gold. He needed to at least already have a majority of the lords convinced of Nassau’s worth. The Queen’s desire, his father’s wish, the war with Spain was far more important to the nobles and royalties. He sighed. It was probably a good thing James wasn’t here. He had already been asked if the lieutenant had been Miranda’s new lover once, his father would hear the rumours tomorrow. He wouldn’t comment on them during a burial, but that wouldn’t stop the man from given them disapproving stares. Had James been here, there would definitely have been a mention of that he was sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. Life got in the way and when I had access to the computer I ad to work on a different otp, to whom I'm organising the otpweek. Which started today, so I wanted to be ready with my own things. I'm also working on my own book again, so I have less time for this fanfiction. I will post once a week though since I have 34K words in total already, so that is plenty for awhile until I have more time again to work on this and my book at the same time.


	19. XIX

**James**

Back ashore. James was almost relieved. He had enjoyed being Captain, but the exercise had been exhausted. He bid the boys farewell, genuinely hoping he would see most of them again one day. “You did well” He heard a man say from behind him.

He smiled and turned around. “Thank you, Admiral.”

“When your mission with the Hamilton family is over. We should talk about your future in the navy. Those boys really look up to you and where you’re tactics are unusual. They worked. Congratulations Lieutentant.”

James would miss being called Captain, but the praise he had received and the promise of that title one day becoming his own, made up for it. Hennessey had gone to the other captains and James realised it was time to go home. He could use a good scrub, fresh clothes and a decent meal from Miss Lemonit. He would also write to Thomas, that he had returned and would like to meet him when it suited. They should pick up as soon as possible, and he admitted, he desired to lay eyes upon the man again. After he appeared to him behind closed eyes that day, Thomas had continued to haunt the man in his dreams and his thoughts during the day.

Miss Lemonit had hugged him as he walked through the door. “Welcome home, James.”

“Good to be back.” James grinned.

“Short trip this time.” A man bellowed from the corner.

“Training, Mr Lemonit.” He answered.

“Now, you go upstairs and clean yourself up. I’ll make sure to have nice warm meal ready for you.”

“Gratitude.” He smiled as he walked up the stairs.

Once in fresh clothes, he looked outside the window, the sun no longer peaked through at this time, disappearing behind the tailors shop on the corner of the street. “James. Ya got a guest wait’ng for ya downstairs.” He suddenly heard Mr. Lemonit shout. “Some bloke.”

Confused, James opened the door. “Excuse me?”

“Some fancy look'ng bloke, downstairs. Sais he be wait’ng for ya.” What miss Lemonit had ever seen in this man was beyond him, but that didn’t matter right now. Who could be downstairs? Hennessey? Thomas?

James practically ran down the stairs. He opened the door that led into the tavern and spotted him. He looked out of place, out of time even. There was a sadness in his face, as the man starred out the window looking at the docks. Miss Lemonit had already given him a glass of ale. He wasn’t even sure that was something Thomas drank. He just stood there for a while. Taking in the scenery. It was beautiful but heartbreakingly so. “Ah, there he is. Told you he wouldn’t be long.” Miss Lemonit pushed James towards the table Thomas was seated at.

The sadness on his face disappeared for a second as Thomas laid eyes on him and smiled. “Our captain returns.” He said. “I thought I’d welcome you back.”

James sat down opposite of him. “That is very generous of you. I was about to send word of my arrival.”

“You said you’d be gone two weeks. I figured at some point today you would show up.”

James studied his face. “You look tired.” He said with genuine concern.

“Long weekend.” Thomas explained.

“What happened?”

“Lord Michael Ashe passed away.” James did not know the man nor had he heard of him. “He’s the brother of Peter Ashe. We spend the weekend at his manor.”

“I’m sorry for you loss.” James wondered if that is why Thomas looked so sad. He had lost a good friend over the weekend.

Thomas shrugged “Things are the way they are. Miranda is still a wreck though.”

James made the assumption Michael had been one of the lovers the young lord had mentioned “Give her my apologies.”

He simply nodded, “We talked about Scotland, Peter is taking the mission on before we hand it over to the Duke of York and then with his support and approval to the Queen.” Someone had died and yet the lords had found time to discuss politics. He wasn’t surprised even with a look on Thomas’s face he hadn’t seen before, he was talking politics with him right now.”

They were interrupted by Miss Lemonit who brought over two plates of mashed potatoes. “Feel free to decline it. It’s commoners food.”

Thomas grabbed a fork and took a bit. “If it is good enough for you, I’m sure it is good enough for me.” James smiled, that sounded more like the man he knew. “You’re hair looks far longer when it’s loose like this.” Thomas pointed out. James jerked his head up, in his rush he had forgotten to do anything with it. It was probably a little wet too. “I like it. It suits you.”

James didn’t know where to look for moment, so he opt for his plate. He had this sensation is his stomach he hadn’t felt for an extremely long time. “The training was as exhausting as you had predicted it to be.” He quickly changed the subject. “but once I have fulfilled my duty as your liaisons Hennessey has promised to talk further about my chances to advance within the navy.”

“You still want to work with me on Nassau. Knowing if you walked out you could be running your own ship tomorrow.”

Strangely enough, James really did. “Absolutely.” The look on the man’s face didn’t seem to believe him very much. “I am committed to saving Nassau, Thomas.” He rarely used the man’s name, since it carried so much weight for him.

Thomas looked up and smiled, and there was that softness in his eyes again. The one that had  captivated him in his dreams. “Thank you for having faith in our goal.”

That was an odd thing to say, James thought. He was missing something. “Is there a reason I should not have faith in this anymore, in you?”

The lord placed his fork on the table and looked out the window again, for a moment he was silent. “My father was here. He arrived late Sunday night, I was already in bed, so I didn’t see him until morning.” James was starting to dislike the earl in spite of never having met him. How could a father make his son feel so tense, miserable, anything but happy really. He didn’t remember his own, but he was told Richard McGraw had been a good man, and had loved him very much. “We didn’t get a chance to talk much about Nassau. Though that wasn’t needed. My father is very gifted with words.” A trade Thomas seemed have inherited, James thought. “When surrounded with other people, it’s never about what he is saying. It’s what he isn’t saying that says it all.”

“I’m going to take a wild guess and say that he wasn’t pleased.”

“Not even close. Sometimes I wonder if he ever wished I had died instead of my sister. She would have been married into royalty by now. A higher rank, a son capable of snapping his fingers and getting things done, not a son he is secretly ashamed of but he needs too much for his contacts.”

“I sincerely doubt that.” James defended. He didn’t like the way Thomas spoke about himself through his father’s eyes. Cause it very much felt like he was talking about himself through his own eyes.

“Apology. I should not burden you with such heavy thoughts.”

“I do not feel burdened in the slightest. I’m flattered you would share them with me.”

“You are very kind lieutenant. But there are things about me, you do not know and you would probably be best off not knowing.”

“Whatever they are, they will not change my mind about you. I am your friend. Your partner. Nothing will change that.”

Thomas smiled at him endearingly. “Oh, James. You truly are remarkable.” Thomas took another bit of food. “I appreciate your friendship more than you know.”

James wanted to smile, but more he wanted to make the man across from him smile some more. “There is a performance at the docks when the clock strikes 7. He may not be as talented as mister Blue, but around here he is extremely loved.”

“A poet?” Thomas asked.

“Of sorts.” James mused. “He does all sorts of things really. One man shows, a little Shakespeare. We should go there. I could use some entertainment.” He offered.

“Alright. I will accompany you.” He really hoped Jackety Jones had a good show tonight, to lift Thomas his spirit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote 12K for my own book, so I'm rather proud of myself, does mean I haven't wrote more on this one, but luckily I have a lot still unpublished. Malecweek2017 is also ending today, which I organise so that took up time from everything else. So hopefully next week I can write a new chapter or two. Since I have to wait for my Beta to read my own book chapters anyway ^^  
> Thanks for the kudos and the comments <3
> 
> PS: this is a really long chapter originally, so I decided to split it up.


	20. XX

**James**

The entertainment hadn’t been all that bad. He had seen better performances, but every laugh from Thomas was worth it. Jackety had a habit of making fun of the Noble houses at times, tonight was no different. He didn’t make fun of the Hamilton family, like he had in the past, this time he went with the Ashe family, presumably because Lord Michael Ashe had died. “We should go. He usually ends with this anyway.” James suggested. For Christ sake he had only just buried the man this morning.

“Do the commoners really think of us as fool?” Thomas asked as they walked away from the crowd.

James thought about the answer for a bit. “It’s more complicated than that I fear. It’s not that they think you are incapable of your jobs, but they know most of the houses don’t care for them. Which leads to questions on how the lords plan to fix problems they only get a glimpse of.”

“I see.” He nodded. “The crowd surely loves this man.”

“He’s a regular. He was already drawing in the people when I first came to this part of London.”

“Where did you use to live?” He asked

“A little further from here. Near the Globe theatre.” James pointed east. “The neighbourhood is not that different, though most people here are storekeepers or work on the docks. Where I grew up, it was more diverse.” They walked back to the tavern. “May ask what your plans are from here on out?” The sun was about to set.

“I’m not sure.” Thomas answered. “Maybe try some ale.” He suggested.

James licked his lips in amusement trying to suppresses a sceptic smile, “Ale?”

“It appears to be the overly popular choice.” He reasoned.

“It is.”

“Then let’s have some ale.”

“Won’t your wife wonder where you are?” He asked.

“Miranda is staying with her relatives in Bath for a few days, while she is still in mourning.” Thomas explained. “There is nobody waiting for me at home.” The last part seemed sad to James. To have nobody to return to, that loneliness, James was used to it, but he didn’t want Thomas to be and neither it would appear did he. Maybe that was why the man made no plans to leave even if his presence turned a lot of heads when they walked into the tavern. He wanted the company of someone else.

“Miss Lemonit!” James raised his voice. “A mug of ale for me and my lordship, please.” He smiled at Thomas. He would keep him company until the man was ready to go home.

After a while he was starting to wonder if the man even wanted to retreat to his mansion. He was still sitting in front of him, silent more often than engaging in a conversation. So much on his mind. James wanted to take those heavy thoughts away from him. See that passionate man again that he had come to know from their many discussions in the study. The tavern was half empty by now, only the ones slaved to their addictions remained. He knew their faces, most came in every night. “Can I get you anything else my lordship?” the older woman approached them. “It’s the last round of the evening.”

James looked at him but it was almost as if her words didn’t even reach him, though after a few second he looked up at her. “Thank you for the kind offer, but I must decline.”

“James?” She looked at him, and he shook his head and watched her leave.

“She seems very fond of you” Thomas concluded.

“After four year, I’ve finally grown on them.” He joked. “Should I get a carriage for you?”

Thomas sighted. “Yes, I suppose I should be taking my leave.” He rose from his chair. “I apologise for having been yours to bear today.”

“Not at all. As a friend I am here for you, whatever the reasons may be. I do not need to know them. You do not owe me an explanation. If being in my presence brings you peace of mind in any way, then I’m honoured.”

Thomas cocked his head and looked at him. “Will you come with me?” He asked. The man looked vulnerable, but the question had come out rather bold in spite of that.

“If that is your wish, I will accompany you.” At least he’d know Thomas would be home safe and sound that way. Travelling in these hours in this part of London, wasn’t something he would recommend.

He smiled at him, “Thank you.” They approached the bar where miss Lemonit  was cleaning the glasses. “Gratitude for your hospitality. It has been a pleasure to make acquaintance. And thank you for taking such good care of James. I look forward to seeing you again.” He could see her trying to suppress a beaming smile.

“I’ll be taking Lord Hamilton back home.” James informed her. “You can lock up, I’ve got a key with me.”

“You be safe.” She warned him.

“He’s with me, he couldn’t be safer.” Thomas winked at him as he joked. The carriage ride like much of the time they had spent together had been mostly filled with silence. Every once in a while James would point out a building and tell a fun tale about it to put a smile on his face. You know London better than I do in these area  Thomas had commented. He had even pointed at a building himself at some point and asked if there was a story there.

The carriage came to a hold at the manor. James was grateful for the moonlight, the driver handed him a weakly lit lantern to guide the lord inside. It was so quiet in the big parlour. He always arrived when the maids were cleaning or he was greeted. For a second he understood, how without Lady Hamilton here, this place could seem cold to Thomas at the moment. “My father had those painting made.” Thomas pointed at two pieces on the left side. “Some French artist. They’re supposed to represent our faith in the Lord.” He walked towards them. “but if you look closely, you can see, they are not so much about placing your faith in him as they are about restraining oneself from temptations.” James didn’t know much about painting, but took his word for it. “He placed them here when the first rumours of Miranda’s infidelity surfaced. In a way he looks down upon us every day, shaking his head with disapproval and disappointment.”

“Why not get rid of them?” James wondered.

“This is my father’s house. He has the final say in everything.” Thomas explained.

“May I speak my mind?” James look at him.

“When have you ever not spoken your mind?”

“Your father is a fool if he finds you a disappointing man. You are kind, generous, caring, compassionate and there are so many more qualities I could name. But disappointing would never be one of them. Your father must not know you very well if that is all he can see.” Thomas eyes were wide open. Had he gone too far? “I should be off” The driver was waiting and if he had been unseemly he could blame it tomorrow on the ale.

He felt a hand grab his arm. “Stay.” It was a whisper, a wish and he felt his heart skip a beat. He looked over his shoulder as Thomas released him. “It’s late. You should stay.” The lord appeared to be nervous, surely not. “Unless you want to leave. I do not wish to force you into doing anything against your will.”

James smiled. Consent was so important to this man standing before him, he cared so much for a lieutenant like him, that he would place his needs before his own. He had placed the needs of the cook before the needs of his wife, he truly was a wonderful man. “I’ll inform the driver.” He decided. He would sleep in one of the guestrooms, so it was fine. Though that feeling in his stomach and the breath in his lungs that seemed to have disappeared when Thomas placed a hand on his shoulder to say thank you, he couldn't shake that off. Thomas awoke sleeping desires inside of him, ones those paintings in the hallway would definitely not approve off. 


	21. XXI

**James**

He stared up at the ceiling, restless. It was a different bedchamber than the one in which he had taken Lady Hamilton. This one was located on the other side of the Great chamber where Thomas laid. James had borrowed one of his night shirts, they were longer, but tighter. Seeing how they weren’t very similar in build. He opened his eyes at the thought of hearing footsteps. He got out of the bed and softly walked to the door, wanting to know who would wander through these halls in the middle of the night. When he opened the door, he was faced with the silhouette of a tall man. “Couldn’t sleep?” He asked.

“It would seem neither could you.” The man remarked. It was dark, only one oil lamp lit the entire hall. 

“Two weeks at sea, makes the first night in an actual bed always hard.”

Thomas walked towards him, coming to a halt at the door. “I have no trouble believe that. I guess my excuse seems rather lame."

"Surely not." James reassured him. The man had a lot on his mind, he knew that much from today.

"I’m not used to sleeping in empty beds." Thomas confessed. "There’s no sound of breath. At Eton I shared my chamber with others. After that I quickly married Miranda. I have never been given much time to get used to the idea of sleeping alone. Being alone.”

“I could stay on the sofa. I’ve slept in worse places. If it would help put your mind at ease.” James had no idea what he was doing or saying, it felt very much like someone else spoke. If people were to overhear this conversation, they would surely find him to be like a hunter luring in his prey. For a second he flicked his eyes over Thomas’s lips and back up to meet the man's eyes. Quickly wishing those thoughts away. He wasn’t making a move on the lord, he was offering comfort. He reminded himself. He would never in sound mind make a move on another man.

Thomas smiled “I think it would.” James his heart beat a little faster with each step he took. He entered the great chamber, the moonlight illuminating the room just enough for him to see shapes. Thomas handed him a blanket. It would be a cold night he thought and he doubted he would be getting much sleep, but what was one more day. Time passed by as he laid on the sofa trying desperately to fall asleep, he couldn’t tell how many minutes or even hours had passed by now. “Are you cold?” He suddenly heard.

“Aren’t you supposed to be asleep?”

“Yes. That was the plan, but I kept wondering if it was just of me to condemn you to these conditions because I had a bad day.”

James shook his head and smiled. Always so worried, he thought. “It’s fine. Please rest, Thomas.”

“Yes. Maybe you should join me.”

“That would easier if you weren’t talking.” He remarked.

Thomas laughed and James longed to see it. So he rose up a little. “I meant in the bed. That way you would be warm. It’s big enough and the door is locked, so there is no reasons to fear anyone from misreading the situation,” Except James wondered if they would be misreading the situation. It was getting harder and harder for him to suppresses the feelings the man stirred deep within him. He could no longer deny them as much as he wanted to, but what was to keep them from pouring out.   
“You can decline me, James. I meant what I said earlier. I would never force you to do something you are uncomfortable with.” Propriety, he recalled Miranda saying. Something neither she nor her husband seemed to care much for. He had remembered there was a form of freedom to be found in it, a freedom he had enjoyed. Nothing would happen after all. He would not force himself upon Thomas even if his demons were to reach the point of release, it was just for a few hours, anyway. He was sure he could restrain himself.

So he got up and walked towards the bed. The man raised the blankets for him to crawl under. “I’m not sure what I did to deserve a friend like you, James. But thank you for walking into my life.” He said as he turned to lay on his back.

“Good night.” James whispered, but he got no responds back, the young man had already fallen asleep. James smiled, turned to his side and closed his eyes.

When he woke, he felt a heavy presence on his arm and looked down, Thomas had crawled into him during the night. He felt his heart beat fast as he studied the man, his soft blond hair grazing his cheeks. James was surprised by how natural this felt to him, it almost frightened him if he was honest. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way. He knew that, if someone walked in right now, both of them would pay a heavy price for it. Regardless of if anything even happened. And nothing had happened. Though, as he look at the sleeping face, he was starting to understand the feelings he had for the man and knew they had to be undone. Thomas would be horrified if he were to ever discover them, even if the lord was one of the most open-minded people he knew. He continued to watch him, not wanting to disturb him. There was nothing wrong with Thomas, he concluded, after several minutes of taking in every detail of his face. There was a whole lot wrong with everyone thinking so. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when the man in his arms slowly opened his eyes, he wondered if he should say something or pretend to still be asleep. Though the later one was no longer an option since Thomas had lifted his head, given him a dozy smile and greeted him good morning. The man made no movement to place himself elsewhere, as if he was completely content with staying in James’s arms, did the young lord experience this more frequently? James didn’t really liked the idea of it, Thomas in the arms of other men. He looked him in the eyes, the softness that stared back at him, a hint of – could it be – happiness. He hadn’t even thought about what he was doing next, but without hesitation he slowly brushed his lips against the other. He had kissed Thomas, when that thought finally came to rushing into his conciousness, panic rose in his chest, but before he could even act upon it or apologise, he felt a hand slid from his cheek to the back of his neck, caressing it. He looked down again, saw the smile on the man’s face and felt his lips be met again, for what seemed to be softest and most gentlest kiss he had ever received.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos and comments. I'm glad many of you enjoy the story. We've had our first kiss and I hope you liked the build up to it and you will enjoy the journey that follows.


	22. XXII

**Thomas**

Butterflies were definitely fluttering within him, he concluded. He wasn’t sure how long he had been kissing James for, minutes, hours. Every time one of them pulled away, the other simply recaptured their lips. The kisses might have seem innocent and sweet but to Thomas they were filled with passion, maybe not the passion of wanting to rip of James’s clothes, a thought not entirely far from his mind, but a passion to savour the moment. To lazily enjoy each other’s company. For the first time Thomas felt at peace, truly at peace. It was like everything was falling into place. Why he was different. Why as much as he loved Miranda, he had known from the start something was missing, that last puzzle piece. And now he had found it in James. And he felt whole. He could only pray James felt the same. He paused their kiss and looked at him, he couldn’t stop grinning and by the look on the man face neither could he. He didn’t really know what to say, what was he supposed to say?  
“It would appear you’ve kissed me speechless.” He chuckled.

“I’m sorry.” James looked away.

“Don’t be.” Thomas spoke softly as he leaned up and looked down at him, “for I’m not.”

James looked up at him. “We’re two men, this should not have happened.” He whispered, like he was afraid the walls would hear.

Thomas smiled. “That is what people want you to believe.” He nodded. “but how can something that makes you happy ever truly be sinful.”

“The bible clearly states -”

“- James.” He interrupted. “The bible states very little, most of what we do in the name of the Lord does not come from the bible, but from ideals added to it over the years.” He sat up. “Did you know that in the early years, when Christianity was just getting its foot on European ground, men were allowed to get married? They had the same bible back then, but somewhere along the way it changed, they turned that love into something worthy of shame. And I have no doubt, somewhere in the future these ideals will change again.” He looked down. “In the times of the Romans and the Greeks these things did not matter either. Alexander the Great’s biggest love was a man, but that does not change the fact that he’s still one of the greatest warriors this world has ever seen. It’s one of the reasons I prefer to read the books written in those times. There is so much more wisdom to be found in them. New ways to look at the world.  ‘Look back over the past, with its changing empires that rose and fell, and you can foresee the future too.’ It’s a quote from Marcus Aurelius and he has yet to prove me wrong. With every new Ruler our Kingdom changes, and that change is inevitable.”

“Maybe one day it will change, but right now if this came out...” James looked worried.

“-If this comes out it means someone other than us knows. As long as that is not the case. You mustn’t worry.” Thomas licked his lips. “I believe everything happens for a reason, I was meant to meet you, and whatever future happens is meant to happen. I refuse to regret what just happened, for anything that makes me feel blissful, I will never forgot nor be ashamed of.”

“Yet I recalled you calling these feelings your enemy.” James countered.

Thomas sighed, he had and in this society they were, you could never show them in public, talk about them, always hiding them away like it was something ugly about yourself but it hadn’t been these feelings he had meant, but the absence of feelings for women. “Well, maybe I’m tired of seeing them as my enemies, maybe we can learn to get along, become best friends even and I can allow myself to be truly happy.” He watched as James mind was working things out, he would understand completely if the man wanted to leave. He waited a moment before he asked the next question, wanting to make sure he had been given proper time to figure out his thoughts, if he was able to. “What did you feel when you kissed me?”

James looked up and immediately back down. “What did I feel?”

“Yes. What did you feel?”

The questioned proved difficult for the lieutenant to answer, but after a deep breath, there was the softest whisper. “Light.”

Thomas lifted James his head up with his hand “so did I.” he whispered before placing a sweet kiss on his lips. “Can you go back to how things were yesterday, knowing you can feel this way again in an hour, a month from now, next year? I’m not sure I can, nor wish too. But if you do, as always I will respect your wishes.” He released James and got out of the bed. “Let me know when you have decided what it is you desire.”

He made way for the door “Where are you going?” James asked.

“To get the maid.” He was hungry and wanted a good soak. Not to wash of James, but to savour in it a bit longer before James might come to a conclusion that would rip it away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the wonderful comments on the last chapter, writing a first kiss especially after a long build up can be a challenge and I'm so glad everyone enjoyed it and i hope you believed it worth your while. Thomas surely did ^^.   
> Thanks again <3


	23. XXIII

**James**

Thomas had left to arrange them breakfast and he left him in his bed. He felt flustered and he was still waiting for his heart to calm down. He had been honest to him as he felt Thomas deserved, but with that he feared he had doomed the man, bounded the man to him in a way he never wanted. Thomas seemed to understand his demons, or enemies as he called them, and he only regarded them as such because that is what he had been told all his life, though history as it would appear told a different story. James knew about Alexander the Great, but who would have challenged him for having male lovers. Even Philippe I, Duke of Orléans, Brother of King Louis in France had been known for having many male lovers. Those in such high positions could get away with it, they were safe. Yes the Monsieur was mocked, even here in London, but he could not be touched. Would the same apply to Thomas? In some ways it already did he thought. Miranda’s infidelities did not have any consequences for them apart from unseemingly rumours and remarks.    
  
Fuck, Miranda! he realised. Not 3 weeks ago he had taken her to bed and now he was kissing her husband! James threw himself back onto the mattress in frustration. Who the hell ends up kissing both pairs of a married couple? Thomas said she knew about his demons, but did she know about these, about him? Would she prove to be a liability? How could he face her? What if she made another move on him next week? What had he done? What the hell was he doing? This is not normal!   
  
All these thoughts going on and on through his mind were driving him mad. He got up and went back to his guest chamber. He couldn’t stay here. He needed air, he needed to think. He felt like the walls were closing in him. He needed to go home, clear his head. Thomas would respect that, he knew that. He wanted to hate the man for it, for being so kind, so understanding, so bloody wonderful. He wanted to so badly, but he couldn’t. He probably never could.

There was a knock on the door “Breakfast will be ready in half an hour, if you care to join me.” Thomas was casually dressed. The look in his eyes didn’t betray a single thought, as if this morning had never happened.

“I should leave.” James couldn’t look him in the eye when he said those words, he felt ashamed for having said them, but he couldn’t stay. Being here was too overwhelming.

“I understand.” Thomas voiced betrayed nothing too, “We have a meeting with Lord Simons tomorrow, I’ll sent a carriage for you.” He was a good man, James thought. “I will have my driver escort you back to the tavern once you’re fully dressed.” He looked up but only saw Thomas move out of sight.

 

When he entered the Tavern, he sat himself down at the bar. Samuel, one of the day worker, took his breakfast order and gave him a glass of water. He just stared at it. He had kissed Thomas, he had started it, he had lost control of the demons within and he had let them drag him down, worse he had allowed them to drag Thomas down. He had made a proper mess of things. First he made the moves on Lady Hamilton, now on Lord Hamilton and the man still treated him kindly and with respect. Thomas would probably look his own murderer in the eye and tell them he forgives them before they would stab him to death. His morals about wrong and right were nothing like James’s. To Thomas everything was grey, everything was ever moving. Nothing was sure. He knew it was not how Thomas was raised, from what he heard the Earl was more like him; Propriety, Rankings, Sins and Sinners. The righteous and the wrong. Thomas stood for everything his father didn’t.   
What did James stand for? He stood for England. For the Queen. For the navy. But these were things that didn’t require thoughts. He was trained to stand for those. What else was there?

“Do I want to know the thoughts on your mind?” Miss Lemonit asked as she sat down next to him.

“I sincerely doubt that Madam.”

“Try me. With the years comes wisdom, so I should have plenty.” She smiled kindly.

He smiled back and grabbed her hand for a soft squeeze. “Where would I be without you?”

“Only the Lord knows my dear.” She answered back. 

“The people that come here every night and leave here wasted, they do so happily, knowing they have sinned. And yet you serve them as if you approve of their behaviour. Though I know you do not stand by them nor would defend them.” James directed at her, he knew for her this would probably come out of nowhere but he hadn’t bothered to lift up his head and look at her to see any form of non-verbal response.

“It is not up to me to judge them. The only judgement comes from God. So in the end what it all comes down to is if they think God will forgive their sins at the gates of heaven.” Miss Lemonit explained. Would God forgive him for wanting Thomas? For sleeping with his married wife? Some people would say no to that question without hesitation. The Hamiltons would probably say ‘yes’, because God would want you to be happy. They were two different Gods in his eyes, one who would be cruel to him and one who would welcome him with open arms. Which one was the real one? Or is there a third version? In reality nobody knows, it’s why there are Protestants and Catholics, Jews and in other countries far from here, they would worship not just one God but several. Maybe that was why Thomas chose to get his wisdom from books and history, facts that were solid, not to be argued with. Would God judge him? Would his family in heaven look down upon him now in shame? He did not know the answer, and he so desperately wished he did. Could he learn to love his demons and be forgiven for having loved him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the harsh burst of the happy bubble, but James needs to do some reflecting. It's honestly only realistic with everything that has happened so far. But don't worry we all know he makes the right decision in the end ^^
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	24. XXIV

**Thomas**

He had to admit, he was nervous. Like proper nervous. But whatever the outcome was of today and the conversation that would undoubtedly happen, he would accept it gracefully. Thomas found it of utmost importance that in the relationships he build the foundation was trust, respect and equality. After all what is a relationship without them but extremely fragile.  
He got out of the carriage with a deep breath and walked towards the tavern.   
“Good morning.” He addressed a poorly looking lad behind the bar. “I’m here to see James McGraw, he’s expecting me.”

“Two up, second room.” The boy pointed his hand in the direction of a door.

“Thank you.” He had a hard time imagining the boy would bring in a lot of costumers but maybe that is why he had the morning shift. Very few people came in this early. Thomas yawned. He had hardly slept last night. His mind went from being aroused to anxious and back. The stairs were steep and narrow and the wooden railing was kind of sticky, he was glad he had put on his white gloves in spite of the warm breeze today’s early morning already provided the day with.

He arrived at what he hoped was the right door and knocked two times. “Who is it?” He heard James ask. This would be the moment of truth. At least the man couldn’t pretend to be elsewhere and thus avoid him.

“It’s Thomas.” His heart beat faster waiting for what was to happen next. He had not seen James since he had left the guest chamber and even though he had rehearsed countless of conversations in his head they could possibly have, he sincerely doubted the outcome would look anything like what was about to happen, for starters none of his imaginary conversation started with Thomas on the other side of James’s bedroom.

The door opened after a while, “I didn’t expect you to come all the way up here.” James looked nervous, he could only assume he probably did too in spite of having learned how to keep up appearances.  

“Neither did I to be honest, but the boy downstairs never offered to get you.” He simply explained.

James had step aside “Jonas. Rotten kid. Got 5 siblings to support though.” That information made Thomas feel bad about his earlier judgement. His living conditions must be terribly hard, considering he looked a boy himself. “I just have to put on my shoes and then I’m ready.”

“Wonderful.” Thomas commented. “I like it.” He scanned the room. “It’s…”

“- tidy?”

“Well, yes. But I was going to say, that it’s very ‘essentials only’.” He walked to the window on the right. “You have a great view of the docks from this window. I bet this is the best room in tavern. Two windows, plenty of space and high enough to block out most of the noise.”

He turned to look at James and smiled, the man smiled back. “I like it enough.” He said. At least they were both skilled at keeping up pleasantries.

He looked past James “What happened to your mirror?” He wondered. It looked like someone had smashed it. He looked at James’s hands but they were clean, unlike that time he said he had been clumsy. Had he smashed the mirror? Surely not. Though would it really surprise him if James had.

“It fell.” James answered after he had turned away from him.

Thomas accepted the lie, he was bound to hear more today. James was all about appearance and he had yet to have gained his full trust it would seem. Maybe that is why yesterday happened as it did. It had happened too soon. Not all the pillars of a good relationship were there yet. Something massive had been placed on a fragile piece of glass and like the mirror it had cracked. How shattered the relationship was, Thomas would find out today. Though any hopes James would tell him by the end of the day that he wanted to have more mornings like yesterday’s, he had pushed from his mind with a painted heart.

When he came downstairs, he watched James leave the tavern, as he wavered and came to an halt at the door. He turned around and approached Jonas. “Here. It’s real silver. Spent it wisely.” He gave the boy a coin from his sack.

The boy looked at him eyes wide open. “What you give it to me for?”

“I have plenty of money and very few mouths to feed. It won’t be missed by me.” Thomas told the boy. “if you don’t want it I will not force you to take my coin though.”

“Take the coin.” He heard a grunt from behind him. The boy put the coin in a pocket of his pants. “Now thank the lord.”

“Thank you kindly, m’lord.”

Thomas smiled at him, “Spent it wisely,” He repeated as he turned around and saw a rather frustrating look on James’s face. “I recon you do not approve of this.” He said bemused.

“He’s going to expect a silver now every time you drop by.”

Thomas laughed at that. “I’ve got plenty, so I think I’ll survive.”

James shook his head. “It’s not normal for a lord to go around giving strangers money.”

“You said he was struggling, was I simply meant to ignore that?” Thomas knew many people in England struggled every day, he couldn’t help them all. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t help some of them, even if just to make one day easier. The problem of their struggles didn’t lie in the absence of money but in the structure upon which the British society was based. Where it was made nearly impossible for anyone to climb out of poverty.

“Well, yes.” James said. He opened the carriage for him and Thomas got in. “but then I suppose that would have been very unlike you.”

“I like to think I’m generous.” Thomas smiled. He hated that this felt so natural like yesterday hadn’t happened at all. It was a good thing on the one hand, it meant they could move passed it and remain partners on the Nassau mission, but on the other hand he would lose that feeling he had felt where everything made sense and going forwards every time he would see the man he would be faced with the knowledge of what he had lost.

James was looking down at his shoes again, “What are we going to do at Lord Simons?”

“Oh, his wife had a baby. It’s a social gathering. Lots of people will attend. It’s merely a formality today really. I don’t think politics will be high on the agenda, but we have to show our faces and strengthen bonds.” He explained.

“Sounds good.” James commented.

He scanned him over. “You look tired.” He remarked, there were small bags under his eyes.

“I didn’t get much sleep.” The man explained.

Thomas leaned back, “That would make two of us.” He looked out the carriage as the houses in the street changed from barely standing to recently build. “Let’s get this meeting over with. We don’t have to stay long.”

They stay for over an hour, Thomas mostly engaged with Lord Simons, while James spend a great ordeal either in silence or in conversation with several women. The latter felt like a stab to him and a painful reminder the man wasn’t his, not even close. They weren’t equal. Not in this world and he suspected not in James’s eyes. They had a form of trust and respect, but he didn’t know how much had remained of that. Enough that the lieutenant hadn’t refused to go with him nor had he suggested he should resign. For that Thomas was glad.

On the ride home, they remained silent. It was an unpleasant silence, one where you know you should say something, the other person has something to say, but both of you simply didn’t. And when the carriage came to a halt at the tavern. James made himself ready to leave. “Thanks for the ride.” He said whilst getting up.

Thomas placed his hand on the door, blocking him and took a deep breath. “I can’t let you leave, forgive me.” He spoke with a sad determination in his voice. There is no time to pretend.

James looked at him and sat back down. “In all fairness I’m the one that should be asking for your forgiveness.”

“For what?” Thomas already knew the answer, but he wanted to hear it from James’s lips.

“Yesterday.” James replied. “That shouldn’t have happened.”

Thomas felt his heart break but he would be damned if he showed it. “You regret it.” He commented. He always knew this was an option, had rehearsed these scenarios too.

“If I could take it back, I would.” James spoke. “I cannot deny I am drawn to you, but I should not have acted upon it.”

Thomas smiled, James was drawn to him. So at least the feelings were somewhat mutual. They just disagreed about whether it was correct to give in to them. Thomas understood that, ten years ago he would have thought the same, maybe like him James just needed time. “I feel like I’m repeating myself an awful lot, but if that is how you feel. I will respect that.” Thomas stated. He would have respected any outcome, if he were to ever be with James he wanted it to be based on mutual consent.  

“I know you do not regret yesterday though maybe by now you do. We view the world so differently, I was out of order, out of my mind. I thought I was in control of my demons but I wasn’t in the end, and unlike you I’m not sure I can learn to accept them, I wasn’t raised too.” Neither was Thomas, but he knew men like himself who had taken their lives never having learned to dance with the enemy either, whatever shape that enemy came in. He would be damned if that was James, because of him. “I never meant to hurt you or disrespect you and if I have I wish for you to tell me. Some days I feel like I know you, I know the person in front me and that person is real, but other days there is Lord Hamilton, when that mask gets put on, you’re so hard to read that it almost make me wonder if anything about you is real to begin with or all very calculated. And then there are those days were I cannot decide which person I’m seeing, because you can’t seem to decide which person you want to be or you didn’t plan it right.  Today fitting in that category.”

Thomas was slightly taken aback by James’s response, the man was blunt while debating but he had never been blunt with him on a personal level. Cheeky here and there sure. “I am all of them.” Thomas simply replied. “I am what the situation demands me to be, just like you are.” James told lies to keep up appearances, so he wasn’t all that different from him really. Though maybe the many faces of him where what made the man not trust him fully, because Thomas looked to the world like a man that wore his heart on his sleeve but in reality it was surrounded with brick walls. Gifted with words, charm and all the ways to lure in a big crowd.

“I slept with your wife and you smiled and gave an all clear. Like it was nothing, like it didn’t matter. I kissed you, you enjoyed it and now you’re sitting here again, smiling and giving me an all clear.”

James was getting frustrated. “You feel I am not honest with you.”

“Yes. You are giving me the answers you believe you are supposed to give to me.”

“Did it ever occur to you, that the answers I give to you are given out of kindness and respect, and the friendship I do not wish to lose.”

James shook his head. “You won’t lose my friendship if you’re honest with me. If we’re as equal as you claim, don’t I have a right to honesty.”

Thomas took a deep breath. “Very well, since you claim our friendship is solid enough to survive such honesties.”

“I told you yesterday, nothing you could do would change that.”

Thomas nodded. “Then if it is honesty you crave, it is honesty you’ll get it. Ask away.”

“Did it really not bother you that I slept with your wife?”

“I did tell you I wasn’t thrilled with it, so yes it bothered me. But she is her own person and so are you. I cannot decide what you do nor do I wish too.”

“See, there you go again.” James raised his voice. “You automatically say something to sooth the situation.”

“James,” Thomas stated firmly. “These are my believes, I know this is hard for you to understand, but I’m perfectly aware what I can and cannot control in life. I know that my mishaps and misfortunes in life should never prevent someone else from being happy. I was raised to believe I was better than most people in life but learned through knowledge older than anyone alive that being a good person has nothing to do with a title, money or education. It comes from the heart, your actions, your reasons. I have never been dishonest with you, I wish you nothing more than the best in life, always have. Please don’t doubt this. Anger is a destructive emotion, heavy with its chains. Forgiveness and compassion are much lighter.”

James looked at him. “It’s annoying when you are kind in situations like these, though.”

Thomas thought hard about why this would be difficult for the ginger haired man across from him. “That is because you are not used to being given kindness.” It was the only thing he could come up with that made any sense to him, but judging by the look on James’s face, he had hit the nail on the head. “When you make a mistake you expect to be punished, yelled at, maybe even punched or flogged. So when I do the opposite, you feel unworthy of it, and maybe it makes you feel more guilty than you did before, though the last part is speculation.” Based on some evidence like the very likely possibility James smashed his own mirror after Thomas hadn’t commented on the affair.

“It does. I keep wrecking things and you keep being wonderful about it.” James mumbled.

Thomas leaned forwards and placed a hand on James his leg, the man nearly jumped out of his seat at the touched but he made no attempt to remove it. “I’m far from wonderful, but I’m happy to have you think of me as such. And if it makes you feel any better, I find you rather wonderful.” He released his leg and leaned back. “I’m stubborn, I’m considered half mad by most people, I give my money to the poor because I feel guilty in a way that there is nothing more I can do for them right now. I have friends, but I know for the right reasons they can all stab you in the back one way or another.  I can’t sleep without other people in the room. My wife has lovers because for as much as I love her I cannot have sex with her and to top it off I’m a 26 year old male who above all else is still looking for his father’s approval. Next time you think I’m wonderful, feel free to run that list through you head, if you think it’ll help.” James wanted honesty, so there it was.

James smiled at him in disbelief “You forgot impossible.”

Thomas grinned. “I will add that to my list. Anything else you would like to ask me?”

James opened his mouth, but closed it again and said “No, not right now.”

“Then whenever you have more questions let me know. If honesty to you is an important part of a good partnership, I will see it so.” He may have lost James as a lover, but he didn’t want to lose him as a friend. Maybe the man would change his mind. Hope, Thomas thought, was a cruel, cruel thing to hold onto.

James changed the subject to a less personal matters, something not entirely unwelcome. “I have agreed to help out at the docks tomorrow. They got a big warship coming in, many wounded soldiers. So I’ll need the day off.” Thomas remembered reading about it in a letter this weekend, but the events had it seen slip from mind.

“Is there anything I can do?” He asked.

“Not this time, my lord.” James said as he exited the carriage.

“-Thomas.” He corrected him with a smile.

“Thomas.” James bowed and turned around. He watched the man enter the tavern, felt the carriage move and before he realised it, his cheeks were wet.


	25. XXV

**James**

He wasn’t sure if that conversation had gone anywhere near well, but he did think he had made it clear it wasn’t going to happen again. Not that he wasn’t flattered the lord considered him wonderful. It drove him mad, but he still felt like Thomas hadn’t been completely honest with him. Not that he believed everything to have been a lie. What the man had said to him about his wife, what he had said before James had left the carriage all of that was true. There were just missing pieces. Like Thomas was always giving him 3 to 5 puzzle pieces for a 6 piece puzzle. It frustrated him, maybe because he wanted to know the man, like really know him. He had admitted to him that feelings were definitely there, but he wasn’t sure yet how strong they were and if they could be controlled. He didn’t want to lead Thomas on, make him believe they could be lovers when James was still trying to figure out if the act would send him to heaven or hell. He didn’t want to taint the man with his demons and have them drag both of them down, Thomas deserved more than that and far better.  
  
The young man had been right about one thing though, the fault laid with him for not being used to having someone like him praising him and being so kind and forgiving. His anger, frustration and maybe his mistrust and his disbelief in the man were rooted within a form of self-loathing. He had hated himself when he was younger. Always wanting what others had, for he had very little. During his time with the navy and their trainings he was always belittled, demonised, made to feel like a lesser person for his upbringing. He knew this wasn’t true, but subconsciously a part of him might have agreed with them. It was within this part that his relationship Thomas was confusing him. It was this part of himself that Thomas was getting too close to, he was taking the bricks away a struggling boy had built up to protect himself and survive in order to reach his dreams.  
Was he just a coward for not letting him in? Would things have been differently if he had been a lord as well? He would have met Thomas under very different circumstance, he would not been raised to be inferior. Though maybe he would have turned into one of those lords that called him half-mad. He would not have seen the world as he had now, he would not have understood what the lord was trying to accomplish and he would not have been able to help him.

James sighted. What he would't give right now to have met Thomas in the times of the Greeks and Romans. They had ranks back then surely, but there would have been no demons and no hiding. Just the blissfulness he had felt yesterday morning, every day, all day long.   
He hated himself for feeling this way. Torn between what he desired and what was raised to believe in. “No fancy lord?” Jonas asked, snapping him away from thoughts.

“He’s on his way home I'm afraid.”

“Pity, ‘nother silver would’ve been nice.”

James nodded and smiled. “Next time. He’s very generous.”

“Or mad, giving money away like that.”

“Oi.” Miss Lemonit gave the boy a smack on his head. “There will be no such talking about high lords in this place. Now go clean the kitchen and then of you go.”

James had to suppress his laughter at the look of Jonas his face and the quickness in which he disappeared. “You think you can open up early tomorrow? A warship is coming in, so there will be lots of people at the docks.”

“Oh dear. I’m sure we can. Though I will have to check if I have enough supplies to start that early and last that long. Not to mention the many mouths to feed.”

“I can get some food for you on the market, just make a list. It's not trouble. I could use a good walk and sometime spend amongst commoners.” James meant it. Being around lords in their big manors was overwhelming at times and right now he could use a distraction.  

The market had been crowded that day. They were certainly doing good business on warm days like these. It helped that around 4 PM they would sell fresh fish. James had in interest in those. He had gathered the remaining items for Miss Lemonit and sat on a box as he watched the small movements of the Thames. He still had a little time bit of time to kill before the herrings and tuna came in through fishermen boat. He'd have a good view of them arriving from here. "Half a copper half penny for your future.” A woman dressed in a cream linen dress approach him. 

He looked up “No thank you. Not today.”

“For a sunny day, your thoughts sure are dark and clouded” She commented.

“Thank you.” He politely told her, hoping she would go away.

She walked passed him, but stopped on the other side. “The sea is calm today, but even a calm sea can be dangerous, you never know what await below the surface. Things are never what they seem”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter for today, but don't worry not all the chapters coming will be short from here on out. It all depends on when I switch PoVs or when a new day arrives.   
> Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story, for the kudos and your comments.   
> <3


	26. XXVI

**Thomas**

He had made sure his cheeks were dry before he getting out of the carriage. He didn’t want to upset the servants. He entered the mansion, but unlike how he left it, there were people dusting and cleaning the floor. “Miranda?” He asked Amy.

“Solar, my lord.” He quickly took of his coat and handed it to her and made his way to the small room on the left of the main hall.

He knocked on the door “Miranda love, it’s me. May I come in?”

“You may.” He heard her say.

He opened the door and saw her sitting in the chair overlooking the southside of the garden. “You should have written you were coming today. I would have been here to receive you.”

“It was a last minute decision.”

He went to stand behind her and places her hands on her shoulders. “Everything alright my dear?”

“My family proved little comfort.”

He kissed the top of her head. “I’m so sorry to hear.”

“Marian’s husband is on the brink of financial ruin.”

“How did that happen?”

“Apparently he had been placing bets and spending it on unsavoury women.” Thomas had to admit to being shocked. Marian was a respectable lady and her husband was a man many held in high regards. In general Miranda was considered the Judas in the family. The person most likely to betray their family honour. This however would change that perspective for sure.

“Have they ask for our aid?”

“No, nor have I offered it. I found out from one of the maids. My parents are keeping it hush for now.”

“Protecting the family image. “Thomas nodded. Something his father would have done as well.

“I should be happy, my sister finally messed up. But I find there to be very little satisfaction in it.”

“Perhaps my dear, because it’s not known to others.” Gossip and the power it had. With this rumour they could attack Miranda’s family, shove her forwards as a more likeable heir. It would be a move that would make his father very proud. It was a vindictive move, but Thomas was in the mood to hurt someone, maybe because he was hurt and he just needed some form of outlet. He would undoubtedly regret it in the morning, but he was in the end his father’s son. And he knew a good move when he saw one. The battle for Nassau had yet to begin, but it would be brutal at some point, it was bound to get vindictive sooner or later as well. He shook his head, no. He was not a vindictive person and today’s events with James shouldn’t reflect on his feelings towards his family-in-law.

“Luckily we know what to do.” Miranda grabbed his hand and kissed it. “I should write your father about these matters, ask for a potential financial support if needed.” Miranda however seemed to be in the mood for a vindictive move. He could not blame her. Part of the reason they got along so well was because they both understood what it was liked to be raised in a family that looked down upon you.

“Yes, word would spread quickly through him.” He nodded, he wondered what James would think of them now if he saw them like this, would he still think they were wonderful. If the rumours spread now they could not be held responsible, they had shifted the move to his father and the Earl would make it without hesitation. “I’m glad you’re not mourning any more though, it pains me to see you sad.” He did so love the twinkle in her eyes.

She rose from her chair and looked at him. “You’re eyes are swollen.” She noted.

“It’s nothing my dear. The last week just caught up with me. A lot has happened, and I’m glad to have you home again. It’s not really home without you.” He answered honestly. It wasn’t. Even if James had given the answer he had hoped for, he could never leave Miranda, not because it was impossible, but because her presence in his life was most precious to him.


	27. XXVII

**Thomas**

Friday had arrived and Thomas hadn’t seen James yet or heard from him, though through the newspaper he was able to gather the warship was a handful of work and that most able men were called upon to restore her to former glory as quickly as possible. He imagined the man was simply following his naval duties. However despite this reasoning he couldn’t help but feel slightly avoided.

“I haven’t seen James here yet?” Miranda remarked from across the dining table.

“He’s helping out at the docks.” Thomas explained. He had yet to tell her about the events on Monday but with nothing coming of it, he felt that it was probably best to keep it from her. That way he could avoid having to talk about it every time the lieutenant came by. 

“I suppose.” She clicked her tongue. “Though as your liaison surely his priority should be you. Was that not the deal?”

Thomas knew she was right. This was what Thomas had feared when they had assigned him mister McGraw. But it was the least of his worries now. James needed time, if he didn’t he would have heard from him, or maybe he was now projecting what he would want and the man was truly busy working underneath Hennessey’s orders; A man hard to say no to. “I think I might visit the docks today, see if his help is truly needed.” He decided. He didn’t have to talk to James, he could simply observe and abstract.

“Sounds wise.” Miranda was looking out the window toward the gardener.

Thomas couldn’t help but smile. “He’s here for two weeks, my dear.” He had hired a man he found appealing on purpose, in the hopes she would be enamoured too. Clearly he knew his wife’s taste well. “Try not to distract him too much, otherwise he could be here till the end of June.”

Miranda’s eyes displayed a twinkle of excitement and the thrill of the hunt. “I’ll try, now if you excuse me. I think I will take a walk in the garden for some fresh air.”

“By all means.” He smiled. If she was focused on Aimeric instead of James that would be easier for him, at least he’d be given some time for the rejection to stop wounding him.

“Go find James.” She encouraged him. “Tell him to join us for dinner. I haven’t seen him in over 3 weeks, I might forget what he looks like.” She laughed before leaving the room. Thomas leaned back and grabbed the bridge between his eyes. Time to be Lord Hamilton he decided. He wasn’t sure if he could be completely Thomas when facing James today. As much as the other man wanted to see him without the mask on. It was the only thing he had that moved his feet out the door.

He had put on his uniform and his white wig and thus was found by Admiral Hennessey in ten second. He suppose he did stand out amongst the rest. “Admiral.” He smiled as the man approached him.

“Lord Hamilton.” The man bowed. “What brings you here?”

“Thought I’d check on the progress, get an estimate on when I’ll be seeing James again.”

He thought he saw a disapproving look on the man’s face for a second. “I’m sorry to keep him. I told him he was free to go, but in all honesty I’m glad he didn’t listen. He makes some of these lads work twice as hard.”

Thomas smiled, hearing these things about James made him proud. Even though Hennessey confirmed James was indeed avoiding him. “How long will it take?”

“In this weather, a good month or so. Though the last week is spent on polishing things up.”

“Should I expect to not be seeing James for this entire duration?”

“Absolutely not. I will make sure of it. I know I have already taking him away from you for two weeks not too long ago. Your mission cannot be further delayed.”

“It’s never delayed.” Thomas reassured him, “and James his needs are important too.”

Again the disapproving look. “If you are looking for him, he is on board right now overseeing the removal of the damaged canons.”

“Thank you, I might go see him later.” He looked at the warship. It was definitely damaged alright. He wondered if it wouldn’t be better to simply build a new one. Spain according to the newspaper had attacked the ship, and though they had won. It came at a big cost. The Admiral remained by his side, as if he felt compelled to. His moral duty to look after the mad lord that would visit the docks for all the world to see. “He speaks very highly of  you.” He commented. “You’ve clearly been an important influence on him.”

“Does he?” Hennessey smirked. “I’m glad. I was the one who gave shape to him.”

“I suspected that much.” Thomas countered. The need for James of propriety didn’t come from his poor upbringing, that had navy written all over it and more than that Hennessey. The disapproving looks were evidence enough of that. He wondered what else that once belonged to James, the man next to him had successfully supressed, reformed and pushed back into the dark, too ugly to come to light. 

“He speaks highly of you too.” The Admiral said.

“I’ve noticed.” Thomas grinned. “A broken nose, I believe.”

Admiral Hennessey nodded. “You may think you know Lieutenant McGraw from the many hours you have spent with him, but trust me, after years there are still things even I have yet to learn.” Thomas looked at him, he knew he still had a lot to learn about James and didn’t like having his nose rubbed in it, but what are the things about James that even Hennessey didn’t know. His demons? Thomas figured that was one of them for sure. “I fear the things I have yet to learn, are the things I have yet to fear.”

Thomas looked at him in confusion. “fear?”

“Oh yes. He is like fire, passionate, fierce and a lightness in the dark. Strong and determined. But fire where it can be the warmth that saves you at night, can also burn you alive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!   
> Come back next week to see if James and Thomas have a little chat at the docks or not.


	28. XXVIII

**James**

It may have been his imagination but for a second when he looked up he thought he spotted Thomas. His attention had quickly been brought back to the task at hand, as he bound the ropes around the canon so it could be lifted of the ship. He looked back up. Definitely Thomas. He recognized the look and well the young lord would be the only one who would even suggest coming here. Considering there were still some dead bodies lying in the streets in need of identification. It had to happen today though, otherwise everyone would be exposing themselves to illnesses. They were lucky enough that the nights were rather cold and so was the breeze from the Thames.  “Morgan?” He called out to the man. “I’m taking a break for a bit. Lord Hamilton is here.” The man nodded. Why was Thomas here? He knew he should have written a letter yesterday, but he hadn’t known what to say and working all day had been very exhausting, so he slept a lot as well.  
He walked across the docks and approached Hennessey and Thomas. “Good morning.” He said with a bow.

“Ah, Lieutenant McGraw, Lord Hamilton I hereby leave you in the good hands of my lieutenant. I must attend to other matters. It was a pleasure to see again.” Hennessey directed to the lord standing beside him and left.

“He’s very grateful for your rescue.” Thomas commented. “He’s a good liar though, since I don’t think he likes me much.”

“He’s just doing his job.” James countered. He wasn’t sure what Hennessey thought of him, he disapproved of his behaviour, but he had never said anything truly insulting about Lord Hamilton.

“Yes, I gathered that much, can’t leave a lord alone.”

“Was there a reason you came to see me here?” James asked. Maybe something had happened.

“I wanted to see what kept you.” He answered simply.

“I have been rather busy.” He should have written to him, he realised. “I apologise for not giving word.”

Thomas shook his head. “You needed time.” James looked up in surprise. Yes, that was part of it, but for Thomas to say it so bluntly. He didn’t really know how to respond to that. “It’s quiet alright you know.”

James looked at him, did the man mean it. He didn’t want to think of it anymore to be honest, working on the ship had been a pleasant distraction. All his focus was on his task at hand. Nothing else, but now the man next to him demanded all his focus. He wasn’t asking for it, Thomas just automatically had it. “I should head back.” He decided. He would take the less confusing and more pleasant tasks. “Thank you for your visit. I will let you know when I’m free again.”

He had already started to move when he heard Thomas ask “How many?”

He turned around and walked back to him “How many?”

“The dead. How many?”

Why did Thomas want to know this. “32, so far. Though some of the wounded might not pull through.”

“Those over there, what’s wrong with them?” So Thomas had known what would be lying there waiting for him.

“Nobody has come to collect them.”

“Surely someone knew their names?” Thomas looked at him.

“They are too mutilated to be recognised. I’m afraid.”

“This doesn’t faze you?”

“This is not my first time.” James answered honestly. “In fact, if I hadn’t been assigned to be your liaison, I could have been one of them.”

Thomas looked in the direction of the bodies again. “What happens to them?”

“They will either be burned or buried in a mass grave.”

“That doesn’t seem right.” No, it wasn’t, James agreed. Over the years he had gotten used to this. Heads blown off, disfigured bodies, watching hangings. Death was everywhere if you were at sea or on a mission with the navy. Thomas saw all of this with new eyes. He must sound like a cold person to him for no longer caring very much. Though he had been so busy he hadn’t really taken the time to care either. It was easy for James to slip on the mask and push things aside, at least until he had met Lord Hamilton.  “Did you know any of the others, the ones identified?”

James thought hard, did he know them? He knew their names, their faces. But he wouldn’t know if they were married or widowed. “everyone knows everyone, one way or another.” He stated.

“No friend amongst the dead then, that is good to hear.”

James didn’t really have friends in the navy. He had fellow comrades, but the hand of friendship was something he only extended to a few. “One guy I trained with is being treated. He lost a leg.”

“Will he pull through?”

“Yeah, they can even give him a fake leg these days, so he can sail again if he wishes too.”

Thomas smiled. “Now that is courage. Too go through horrible ordeals and not let them control you.” That was courage James thought. Was he courageous? James always thought he was. He was a good fighter. He got stabbed and got back on his feet. “The navy is fortunate to have strong men like your friend amongst them.” He looked at James, “and to have you.”

James looked away, his cheeks slightly warm. “I’m not sure I’d be much fun with one leg to be honest.”

“Ah, but you wouldn’t let that stop you. I wouldn’t let it stop me from achieving my goal.” James had to admit he wasn’t sure if they were talking about Nassau, war or if Thomas was hinting that he hadn’t given up on James yet.

“Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course.”

“Shakespeare.” Thomas sounded surprised, James looked up again. “Most talented man. I would have loved to have been able to meet him. Yet we were born too late.”

“I enjoy his books.” This part with Thomas was easy. The friendly part, where everything he felt could be swept under the rug and called admiration and friendship. “Though some of his sonnets are lost on me, I’m afraid.”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day. Sonnet 18. Personally one of my favourites.”

Thomas started walking towards the warship. “Where are you going?”

“To get a closer look.” James stood in front of him. “I do not believe that to be wise, my lord.” People were already staring at him. “Why don’t you go to the tavern, I will meet you there once the Big Ben has rung 18 times.”

“Is there something I’m not supposed to see?”

“No, but I ask you as a friend to not give the people around us further reasons to keep staring at us.”

Thomas laughed. “Is that what concerns you, what people think of me? Dear James, you mustn’t worry.” James sighed this man was impossible. “But alright. I will wait for you at the tavern.”

“Thank you.” He watched as Thomas walked away from him.

Back to work he thought. “Did you master come to check on you? How sweet?” Pickram appeared from behind him.

“We have a meeting later, he simply came to check on the ship.” James did not have time for this asshole.

“He really is mad, isn’t he. He still works with you for starters, but to come to the docks in times like these. He must be desperate for his father to disown him or have him committed.” He decided to walk away and ignore him. He would not, will not, cause a scene here. Thomas was still nearby enough to turn around if needed. Control yourself James. “Tell me, does he own a dog? Or is he content with you?” Enough! James grabbed Pickram by the collar and pulled him closer. So much for self-control, he thought.

“I’m getting really sick of hearing your voice. You are nobody Pickram. Maybe you haven’t realised that yet, but the world has. Time to catch on.” He released him and made way for the ship again, he didn't dare to look back.

“Don’t walk away from me, you filthy animal.” Pickram bellowed. James was yanked by his sleeve and turned around, he saw Pickram’s hand pulled into a fist and waited for the blow to fall.

“Please release my liaison.” He heard a man say. He looked up and saw that Thomas had a rather tight grip on Pickram’s arm. He had stopped the blow. How much of the conversation had he heard? Had he seen? “I will not ask again.” Pickram’s grip on his shoulder fell away. “Good boy. Now leave, before I decide that I would rather ruin you and your career.”

James was gobsmacked. He looked at Thomas, there was anger written on his face. He had never seen him angry before. There was a look on his face that was strict, stern and absolute. Even if Thomas had not been such a high lord, nobody would mess with someone that could hold himself up like that. He watched as Pickram disappeared in the crowd and then turned back to Thomas. “Are you hurt?” he asked him.

“No.” He simply answered.

“Good. I’ll wait for you in the pub.” Thomas smiled reassuringly.

Everyone was staring at him, even Morgan and the boys on board. They all watched as Thomas walked away from the crowd. There went the lord that stopped a fight. When he boarded the warship, he directed new orders to his crew. Though they did them, they whispered. Questions about who that lord was? Why he was here? And what kind of lord would step into a fight amongst officers?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say Pickram will be Pickram... grrr  
> But hey, Thomas to the rescue, nobody touches him man ^^


	29. XXIX

**Thomas**

He was raging. He didn’t care who that man was that had tried to hurt James. He wanted to break his nose. Or bruise his ribs. He had missed the start of the fight, cause when he had looked over his shoulder James had the man half lifted from the floor. He was initially going to correct James, stop him from making a scene. It turned out rather differently, James had been the better man and had walked away, but this man he wouldn’t let go. He was glad he had gotten there on time and was able to stop him, but now walking away he was still angry. People were staring at him, he wanted to yell at them to give it a rest already, the show was over. He walked of the docks and onto the streets. His pace quicker than normally, as if he could walk off the frustration. He just wanted answers really, who was the man? And what did he say to James before he spotted the fight? Was it one of the same guys as before? Those that were jealous of his position and taunted him with it.  He had definitely insulted James, calling him a filthy animal. Thomas gritted his teeth, that man clearly needed a mirror.

He reached the tavern and walked in. “Good day, m’lord.” Jonas bowed.

The boy had worked on his manners, he was impressed. Somehow seeing the boy and noticing a slightly better looking shirt made him feel a bit calmer. “Good day Jonas.” He greeted, putting his Lord Hamilton mask on. “Could you get me some ale?”

“James’s at the docks.”

“Yes, I know. I’ll be waiting for him here.”

“A’right. Ale coming up.” He sat down at a table overseeing the docks, this way he would see James coming. He couldn’t see the Warship from here though, so if any more trouble occurred he wouldn’t notice it.

“Lord Hamilton.”

He looked up and faked a smile. “Miss Lemonit. Busy day, I gather.”

“Lots of mouths to feed and people to appease, but the money is good.”

“I’m glad to hear.”

“Can I get my lordship anything?”

“Jonas is already getting me some ale.” He answered back. He could already see the boy making his way towards the table.

“One ale for m’lordship.” He placed it roughly on the table.

Miss Lemonit looked at the boy. “Why don’t I take this table and you go to the bar.” He gave her faul look.

“It’s quite alright. Jonas,” He pointed at the seat before him. “Have a sit with me for a while.” He wasn’t in the mood to be protected from commoners like Jonas. Lords looked down up on each other, so the poor did as well. Miss Lemonit looked down upon Jonas. Sure she had hired him, out of pity he presumed, but she considered herself better, maybe because she spoke with more manners, her English more proper. Thomas didn’t believe in these ideas. God had made each of them to his image, as equals of one and another. Yet that message had gone entirely lost to the world. The boy in front of him was nervous, he figured. “I see you bought a new linen shirt. It looks much better on you.” He complimented the boy.

“Thank you.”

“There is no need to be worried. I was just curious as to where my money went too.” He smiled, the conversation would provide a good distraction and it would prove an opportunity to learn more about the problems of poverty. He really hoped the Queen would address these issues soon.

“Got the shirt and some herbs.”

“Herbs?” Thomas hadn’t expected that answer.

“From the healer. M’sister got pains.”

“She’s unwell.” He corrected him and to make sure he understood the boy.

“Yes M’lord. She’s got pains between her breasts.” Maybe a fever in the making Thomas thought.

“Is she warm?”

“She wasn’t last night.”

“Tell James, when she gets worse.” He told the boy. He could afford better care then the boy could. He reached in his pocket and pulled another silver coin from it. “Here.” He handed it to the boy.

The boy took it without hesitation. “Thank you M’lord.”

“Now tell me, what is the best meal in this place.”

 

Miss Lemonit had made him a warm plate of chicken and mashed potatoes. The best meal according to Jonas. The boy had gone to check on his sister in the meantime. “He’s a good boy.” Miss Lemonit said. Thomas had no trouble believing she felt that way. But there was pity in her voice. And that was what drove her. Guilt drove him. Which one was worse? He didn’t know. The only thing he knew for sure is that both of them were helping this boy, did it really matter then the reasons why.

The door of the inn opened and closed so many times that at some point he had stopped looking up. There was no clock that he could see from his table and the sounds of chattering people blocked out the Big Ben and where he could watch through the window all day long as the people lived their busy lives, the stares and whispers were getting on his nerve. He was also getting tired of having to wear his mask along with the wig that was starting to make his hair itch. He got up and went to the bar. “Do you have a room where I can be alone for a while?” he asked the older woman.

“No empty room I’m afraid. Though I’m sure James wouldn’t mind if you stayed in his room. I could let you in. I’ve got a key.”

Thomas wasn’t sure if that was appropriate. To enter his room without his knowledge. “I must decline, without his consent, I dare not to enter.”

“Don’t be silly. James would want you too. I’ve known him for four years now, trust me. He would be insulted if you didn’t.” Would he be? She did know him very well, likely far better than him. She had already walked to the door that lead to the staircase. He got up and followed her to the door, walked up the stairs and entered James’s room.  He really, really liked the room, it was so, so, well… James.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still have enough to post every week during till end August, but I've been working super hard on my book, so at some point I might make the wait a bit longer. I wish to finish my book by the end of the year, and where I have 88K words down already and 70% is easily already written, that is where my priority lies. I Hope you can all understand. I have absolutely no intention on dropping this story though, I want to write it till the painful end we know is to come.   
> Thank you for you support and your lovely comments,   
> see you next week!


	30. XXX

**James**

James had completely lost track of time, by the time he had arrived at the tavern it was nearing seven. He was practically a whole hour late and that after he had already made Thomas wait that for two hours. He figured Miss Lemonit would look after him and hoped that when he arrived the man would still be there. When he entered the tavern, however, he didn’t see Thomas. Had he already left? Not that James would ever blame for it.  
He approached the bar but didn’t see Miss Lemonit either. “Jonas?” He almost shouted to the boy standing at a table on the other side. He turned around and walked towards him.

“What?”

“Where’s Miss Lemonit?”

“Kitchen.”

“Do you know where Lord Hamilton went?”

“Nah” He shrugged “ He wasn’t here no more when I came back.”

“What time did you get back?”

“About an hour ago or so.”

Shit. James thought. He would have to go to the Hamilton’s tomorrow and apologise. He opened the door upstairs, he really needed a good wash. He walked up the stairs, the tavern was booked solid and whoever had booked the first room on the left was having a lot of fun, he concluded based on the loud moans echoing through the hall.   
When he reached his door, he put the key in and noticed it wasn’t locked. Did he forget to lock it? That would be a first. He opened the door and immediately spotted a white wig on his desk and a red long coat hanging over his chair. Thomas, he smiled. He was here.  
“I’m sorry to have kept you waiting.” If it had been anyone else he probably would have yelled at them to get the fuck out. He turned his head and found Thomas on his bed, leaning half against the wall, a book resting in his lap. He had fallen asleep. He was beautiful, James concluded. He had leaned against the door post and just stared. It wasn’t until he heard footsteps that he quickly entered the room and closed the door. “Thomas” He whispered softly as he approached the bed. “Thomas?” He was half tempted to run his hand through his hair, but he placed his hand carefully on the man’s shoulder instead. “Thomas” He repeated, this time a little louder as he gave the shoulder a soft squeeze. The man seemed to stir. He couldn’t help but smile, really. “Time to wake up.”

“Hmmm” Thomas slowly opened his eyes. “James…?”

“Sorry to have kept you waiting. If you were really that tired you could have gone home.” James sat down on the edge of the bed near Thomas’s feet.

Thomas seemed embarrassed. “I hadn’t realised I was tired. I thought I would just pass the time reading.”

“Must be a dull book then, if it lulled you to sleep.”

“I didn’t get very far, it would appear.” He showed James the book. “Marvell’s , 'An Horatian Ode'. I grabbed it of your shelf. Hope you don’t mind. I hadn’t read it yet.”

“Not at all.” James smiled. They were silent for a while, Thomas smiled and looked down, only to look up again and James had a feeling he was mirroring it. “Have you eaten yet?” He eventually asked.

“When I first got here.”

“Good. Good.” James had eaten on the ship with the lads. Thomas opened his mouth and closed it again, clearly wanting to say something. “What?” James raised his eyebrow almost challenging him to tell him. He wanted to know.

“You’re not a filthy animal, James.” Thomas spoke softly. James swallowed, got of the bed and walked towards the window overseeing the docks. “I didn’t hear what was said before that, but whatever that man said, he was wrong about that too. There is nothing filthy about you, and you are far from an animal. If you are one than all human beings are.” He was flattered by the words Thomas spoke, but they also pained him. He hadn’t wanted the man to see this side of him, the side he was ashamed of. He heard footsteps and felt a hand on each shoulder. He could feel Thomas his breath in his neck and he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move. His heart beating a little faster with every second none of them spoke. “What else did he say?”

James found it hard to find his voice. “The same, more or less.” A dog was an animal after all.

Thomas grazed his hands over his shoulder as he dropped them and took a step backwards, the space felt like air had been given back to his lunges. He was coward, Thomas was getting too close to him and it scared him. “Who was he? Was he one of the men that hurt you that time before?”

“He was the guy whose nose I broke.” James explained, his voice more steady than before.

“I’m glad. Though I would not object to him having his nose broken more often.” He didn’t have to see Thomas to know his expression was serious. Thomas had been angry before.

James turned around. “Thank you for coming to my aid.”

“Like I was going to let him hurt you.”

“I’ve never seen you angry before.” James continued to have been fascinated by it. Maybe because the moment was so very real.

Thomas snickered “I’m not angry that often, but what he said and when he pulled you around. I don’t know…. My mother used to say ‘If Thomas is angry with you, you know you have truly messed up.’” James smiled. “I guess for moment, I simply forgot I was Lord Hamilton and you are my liaison.” James turned around and looked at him. “You were just James.”

There was a vulnerability in him, the way he was looking at him, James wanted to touch him, hug him, anything really. “It’s okay. Sometimes I forget too.”

“I know.” Like that time he had kissed him, James had forgotten then. “You said you wanted to know me, the real me. Not the man that is Lord Hamilton at parties, the me when the wig and coat comes off. But I want to know the real you.”

James was confused by this, surely he wasn’t hiding anything, not to his notion anyway. “What do mean?” he asked

“Hennessey said he had shaped you into the man you are today.” James nodded. “But I want to know your core. Not who you were told you had to be, but who you were born to be.”

James was born to be part of the navy as far as he was concerned. “I’m not sure I follow.”

“You smashed this mirror.” Thomas pointed at it. “That day when I asked you about your hands, you said you had been clumsy. That was lie. You smashed your mirror with it.”  James felt embarrassed being caught in the lie, like that. “The man who smashed this mirror that is the real you, the man who grabbed that punk by the collar, that is part of the real you. I don’t want to get to know Lieutenant McGraw, I want to know James, the man born in poverty, who rose above it. Your demons, your fears. I will show you all of me, if I can see all of you.”

James understood what Thomas was asking from him, but he wasn’t sure if he could give that to the man. He wasn’t sure Thomas would still find him wonderful if he showed him everything, gave in to everything. Yet he wanted the same of Thomas, so surely the man was wondering the same things. That James wouldn’t think he was wonderful. Would there be something Thomas could do that would make him change his mind about that? He didn’t know. And on second thought maybe he didn’t want to know either. They were just partners for this short mission, after that they would hardly see each other again, they were too different. Oh, they would reassure the other that they would keep in touch and maybe for a few months that would be the case, but once James was captain of his own fleet and Thomas would be working on a new project those letters and visits would become less frequent and frequent until they ceased to even remember the other person as someone to write to.  Was it worth it? To show everything to a man that could be gone from your life in a year from now. Did he want to? Did Thomas want to? “Do you know what it is your asking of me?”

“Perfectly well.” He answered back.

“You want to see all of me?”

Thomas approached him “Hennessey said you were like fire, passionate, fierce, a lightness in the dark, I already know this. You are bright, warm and you don’t give up. But fire has a dark side too and Hennessey fears yours.” James swallowed, fucking Hennessey, why did he have to go and say that to Thomas. “I don’t know what lies within you core, on the other side of that fire within you. But I do not fear it. And I hope you will not fear mine. Every person is like fire, we can all hurt someone and safe someone’s life. People decided based on social status which fires one should be wary off. But I can guarantee you, the fire of someone like Thomas Howard is far more dangerous to this world, than the fire you have within you. Piss him off and there is hell to pay. Piss you off and you have a broken nose.”

James chuckled. “And what happens when someone pisses you off?”

“I misuse my power.” Thomas answered honestly. “I can still ruin Pickram’s life if I desired it by this point.”

“Do you?” James wondered, would Thomas ruin that asshole’s life just for him?

“No. I’m rather grateful I got see what I did. We would not be having this conversation otherwise, besides I think nothing will piss him off more than to see you at the top of the navy and that I can help make happen.” Thomas smirked.

James liked this little hint of mischief in Thomas’s eyes. He was drawn to it, he brought this side out of Lord Hamilton and it made him rather happy. “I like the sound of that.” He commented with a grin.

Thomas was standing in front of him. “So do I.” He smiled softly and James had to try his hardest not to take one step forward and lift his head to meet Thomas’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the talk was worth the wait, for their next kiss you'll have to wait a little longer but it's written, so it's definitely coming.


	31. XXXI

James should arrive any minute now. He had spent way more time than normally on what to wear. Even Miranda had noticed. He was starting to suspected she was a little on to him. So they should probably talk about it somewhere next week, when Aimeric was gone. Though his wife was doing her best to stall that, the man proved a hard person for her to win over, but the fact that she smiled after every conversation she had with the gardener, made him feel like she was making progress. The thrill was in the hunt after all. Was Thomas still hunting James? It didn’t feel like it. He knew James had feelings for him, so it was more a waiting game now, though some animals they would wait in the bushes for hours before making their move, so maybe he was still hunting after all.  
He never got those comparisons between humans and animals. Animals were basic, everything they did they did out of necessity. They killed to eat or survive. They made love to create off spring. There were no thoughts involved. No vendettas, no ulterior motives. Humans had depths, secrets, emotions. Things were never simple. Thomas sighed. If there was such a thing as the next life, maybe he could come back as a bird, they were after all the representation of freedom.  
When the maid knocked on the door of the study, his heart skipped a beat.

“Lieutentant McGraw is here to see you, my lord.” Amy announced.

“Come in.” Thomas said from behind his desk. The doors opened and James walked in. There was a slight stubble on his chin. Had the man not had enough time to shave? It didn’t matter really, Thomas liked it. It suited James. “Glad to have you here again.” He stated as a different maid refreshed the water can and placed a bowl of fruits on the desk before taking her leave.

“New coat?” James asked.

Thomas smiled. “You noticed. Have you peeked into my closet?” He teased the man.

“I like it.” He simply replied back, the comment made him feel giddy in side. If only this man could be his. He thought. He’d have kissed him senseless by now. 

“Good. That makes two of us.” He pointed to the chair and James sat down. “Will you be staying for dinner tonight?”

“Are you sure that is alright?” James asked. Why wouldn’t it be alright? Thomas wondered. He had stayed before. 

“Absolutely.” He answered. “We’re having Greek tonight.”

“Alright then. I guess I can stay.” James seemed a little uncomfortable, though.

“If you don’t want to stay, you don’t have to. You are free to say no.”

“I just don’t want things to be awkward.” He explained.

“Awkward?”

“With Miranda there. I presume she doesn’t know about us.” Thomas nodded, he understood James's reaction now. “Not that there is an us, I mean. There is, but there isn’t. And then there’s me and your wife.”

“My wife is currently interested in someone else. So you don’t have to worry about that.”

“Oh.” He thought he saw relief on James’s face, or maybe he just hoped it was relief and not disappointment.

“So will you stay?”

“I guess, I will stay.” James decided.

 

It had been a while since they had eaten dinner the three of us. Miranda had talked their ears of and had asked James all about his adventure on the sea. Something to Thomas’s shame he hadn’t done. Not because he hadn’t wanted to hear it, but he had been so wrapped up in his father’s behaviour, wrapped up in himself and after that well they kissed and it never really came up again. James really looked like he had enjoyed himself in spite of his fatigue afterwards. It made Thomas feel guilty, like he was robbing him of a career by keeping him. He knew James wanted to be here but was he simply honouring a commitment made or was it truly his desire to be here. If he could leave tomorrow no strings attached, and meet that navy future. Would he go? Thomas grazed his fringe with his hand, he didn’t want James to go. When they had met he had wanted a companion committed to this cause no matter what and he was given one. But he hadn’t expected to care for him the way he did, to feel guilty at the idea that somehow he would be holding him back from being happy.

Miranda laughed at a comment James had made and it had jerked him out of his thoughts. “We could have probably brought down the roof and he wouldn’t notice right now.”

“I can assure you, I would notice the severe pain of being buried underneath it.” Thomas replied humorously.

“What steals your attention away from this dinner?” She asked.

“Just business, as usual.” He lied.

“I was thinking of going to the opera tonight.” She remarked as she dipped her lips clean with her napkin. “Care to join me?”

“I would love to my dear, but I’m too wary and I think I’m calling it an early night.”

“How about the lieutenant? Would you care to join me?” She asked him, there was a twinkle in her eyes. Thomas bowed down his head, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer, he wanted both of them to be happy, but with each other would be bittersweet for him indeed. He would get used to it. He was a man of his words and to that he held.

“I’ve never been before my lady, I’m afraid I would make poor company.” He politely stated. Thomas looked at James shortly, but the man was simply staring at his empty plate.

“All the more reason for you to go. You have to learn, Thomas and I go rather frequently if we like the performers. Trust me this will not be the last time, you will be asked to join more often.”

Thomas looked at his wife and realised she wasn’t going to accept no for an answer, she had that determined look in her eyes which under any other circumstance he would love. He looked back at James who seemed to have figured out the same, was the man waiting for his approval. James had been right, this did prove to be awkward. Happiness, forgiveness, acceptance. “I would feel a lot better if you didn’t go alone. So if James can’t go with you. At least take someone else.”

“James can go. The show ends well before midnight. Whatever plans you have, there is no reason for those not to be same tomorrow.” She smiled.

Thomas sighted, “I wasn’t worried about that, just don’t go alone.” He shoved his seat back and rose. If James wanted him to come to his rescue by declining for him he could forget it. This was a choice he had to make, it was about what James wanted, not about what James thought Thomas wanted. “If you’ll excuse me. I will be in my study. I haven’t spent enough time on my speech for the church and it’s nowhere near finished. I would hate to write in a hurry. The words of our Lord deserve our attention.”

“I’m still surprised they asked you.” Miranda teased. “Try not to be too controversial.” She laughed. He realised he had basically left James to fend for himself and he did feel guilty about it, but he didn’t want to be there when he made his choice.  
He set down behind the desk, paper in front of him, quill next to the ink. Happiness, Forgiveness and Acceptance. He had never known till now how hard it could be to grant these to others when your own was so connected to it.  
He grabbed his quill and started on his first draft, he would base the moral of the story around Sodom and Gomorrah. Cities punished by God for wrong doings. The wrong doings in the bible being claimed nowadays to be due to sexual activities amongst men. Though he had argued with many a priest it had more to do with the lack of hospitality considering other cities were destroyed the same way but the reason far removed from love between men and more with rape attempted at innocent people. It would be very loosely based on it since he had no desire to speak with their congregation about sodomy and the stupid ideas the British people clung onto.   
There was a knock shortly after Thomas had gotten out the bible to reread the story to see if it matched his ideas a bit. “Come in.” He answered.

Amy walked in, tray of tea in hand and a small slice of cake on a platter. She placed it on the table. “Lady Hamilton has asked me to inform you she and the lieutenant have left for the Opera and she’s expecting to be back before midnight.”

Thomas nodded and watched the girl leave. He sat down, slumping a bit in the chair. James had made his choice. And for a split second Thomas was wondering if maybe, just maybe God was punishing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Thomas, but he's right James has to make his own choices.  
> Thanks for reading! <3


	32. XXXII

**James**

He woke up sun brightly in his face, he had forgotten to close the curtains last night. It must have been close to noon by now. James wasn’t surprised, he hadn’t slept all that great. The opera he had enjoyed even if he understood very little, lady Hamilton had been kind enough to explain the story. Though seated in a private area, she had also unabashedly flirted with him. Whispering in his ear, with her lips touching his shell, her hands on his tight, slowly rising up every once in a while. James had found it highly inappropriate, but by the end of the night, with the performance before him, he had been aroused and thus another carriage ride had been eventful.  
He lifted himself from the bed and looked into the smashed mirror. Last time he had been so angry, he had lashed out, this time he felt something else, betrayal? Guilt? Shame? Maybe all of the above. He wasn’t filled with rage that is all he knew for sure.  
  
Dressed and ready for a midday with Thomas, he arrived at the manor. Miranda greeted him cheerfully before departing to the garden, she was showing a bit more cleavage that yesterday he noticed. He walked through the mansion and knocked on the door. “It’s James, may I come in?” He was nervous, he concluded as he realised his palms were slightly moist. After a while he knocked again. But no answer. Miranda hadn’t said her husband was elsewhere, so he tried the handle. The door wasn’t locked, so he slowly opened it and entered the chamber, maybe Thomas had fallen asleep. When he stepped inside it was empty however. Where was Thomas? He wondered. He supposed he would just wait here for him. He sat down, but after a few minutes got back up feeling rather restless, he should at least get started on something, he figured.  
He walked towards the desk and saw a letter, it was in Thomas his handwriting it was very hard not to notice the way the man curled his t’s and g’s.  
  
_The bible teaches us many things_ It stated. Oh, James realised this was the speech Thomas was to give. He knew the Hamilton’s attended church, unlike him. They weren’t strictly there every week, but they went regularly enough for him to be asked to address the crowd. _Sodom_ The title said. James knew that story, everybody knew that story. They killed people because of that story. It seemed rather diabolical to ask Thomas to give a speech about this, considering his position on everything in life. Sodomy was the opposite of what he believed in. At least the Sodom story James was told. He sat down and carefully took hold of the paper.

 _The bible teaches us many things,_  
_and they teach many people different things._  
 _Sodom was a city that had angered God,_  
 _and for that it was punished with Ash and Stone._  
 _The people had done wrong to others and to themselves._  
 _Every day I look around me and see London as the powerful city it is_  
 _and then I see the poor, the sick and the abandoned and I see where this city fails._  
 _Where we fail,_  
_and maybe God is punishing us with war._  
 _Punishing us by taking away those whom we love,_  
 _by having your desires within your reach but never for you to hold, touch or cherish them._  
 _Happiness is the highest goal in life and we trust in God that he shall deliver it to us,_  
 _but can he give us happiness if we cannot, will not give it to others._  
 _If we are blinded by greed, titles and gold_  
 _can we make him proud enough to call us men in his image._  
 _Sodom had disappointed God_  
 _How do we know we’re not doing the same._  
 _That at this moment we are not being punished for turning our backs on those that need us most._  
 _The bible teaches us many things but only if we are willing to learn_  
 _and to not repeat the same mistakes._

James placed it down. The man was gifted with words for sure. Without touching upon the lessons he had learned from Sodom, he turned it into a God that would be discontent with any form of wrong doing. Even if the speech would be read by the priest, it had Thomas written all over it. The desire for helping those in need, the desire to do good in the word, the strength to see the wrongs and point them out. _  
‘ by having your desires within your reach but never for you to hold, touch or cherish them.’_ Was Thomas referring to himself, was this line about them? Did he believe God was punishing him for failing by bring him into his life but for nothing to come of it. James definitely knew how he felt now; guilty. Thomas was his desire to never have, God wasn’t punishing Thomas, he was punishing him. He had always been punishing him.    
_‘Happiness is highest goal in life and we trust in God that he shall deliver it to us, but can he give us happiness if we cannot, will not give to others.’_ This line had to be about last night as well. Thomas's reluctance to tell James he shouldn’t go. He wanted James to be happy even if it was with his own wife. This whole situation was fucked up at best by now, and the man he never wanted to hurt was in pain because of it. How could he even begin to make this right?


	33. XXXIII

**Thomas**

“It’s just the first draft.” He said as he entered the room and saw James sitting in his chair.

“It’s good. It’s very you.” James stated. The man looked upset as he placed the paper down.

“Did the words upset you?” He asked.

“No, I just never liked the story of Sodom.”

“Neither have I, but the crowd loves it.” Thomas set down in one of the chairs. He watched as James rose and sat opposite of him. “How was the opera?” He didn’t want things to be awkward so best to rip the bandage off, he figured. He already knew about the carriage ride, he wonder if he would hear the same story.

“I get why people like it, but I think I prefer my Jackety Jones.” He smiled.

Thomas couldn’t help but smile. The live of nobles wasn’t for James, he knew that. He wondered if even after a few years that would change, but they didn’t have years, did they? “Personally, I do too.”

“Oh, so you weren’t tired.” James teased.

Thomas couldn’t help but laugh. “I did really have to write that draft though.” He defended himself.

They were silent for a while, a comfortable silence. “So what’s the plan for today.” James asked

“I was thinking we could start on a first summary of items for a financial list.”

“Okay, that’s a good idea. Money is key. You want to start with the costs of the ships first, those are my expertise.” He offered. Thomas nodded. They had managed to write down everything needed to build one ship, men it and for it to survive the journey back and forth to Nassau. The list was much longer than Thomas had counted on. But it was good to see it written down, they would need wealthy lords to back this plan up for sure. His father’s money alone would not cover three of them.

“God’s not punishing you.” James suddenly said softly out of the blue.

“Excuse me.” He was momentarily taken aback by the turn of the conversation and demeanour of the man in front of him.

“Nothing.” James lied.

Thomas chocked his head. “I heard you. Go on. Clearly it’s on your mind. Let’s get it out and in the open. See the real version of one another.” Yes, he was going to use that argument on James a lot if needed. 

James sighed, “God, he’s not punishing you.” Thomas looked at the man in front of him, nervous, fidgeting with his finger. Not even looking into his eyes. “You are one of the best people I know, if not the best. You’re a good person. You care about the poor and ill. You put others before yourself. God’s not disappointed in you, he’s proud of you. I’m sure he would be, he should be.” He had not the heart nor the guts to interrupt the man, “I mean, you know, if he is punishing anybody it’s me not you. I’ve had a troublesome life and I lured you in and tainted you.”

Thomas look up at with surprise. “You did not lure me in. You have not tainted me. There is nothing tainting about you. Do you hear me? I told you I had enemies. I’m pretty sure I was chasing you at some point. I was jealous before I understood why or that I was even jealous to begin with.”

James looked at him, deep in thoughts. “Still, God is not punishing you. He’s punishing me, trust me.”

“How is he punishing you?” Thomas asked, there was a hurt in James’s eyes that had never been there before.

“To put my temptations in front me for me not to touch or take hold of.” Thomas’s eyes widened. He was James’s temptation, James was his. He knew this, yet every time the man said it, it felt like he heard it for the first time all over again. It knocked the air out of him and left him only with a desire to reach out and embrace the man.

“The highest goal in life is happiness and it is what God wants for all us.” Thomas stated, “I don’t think God is punishing you. You are.” It was a daring comment to make. “I’m not stopping you from taking me, you are. I can’t have you, cause you won’t let me.”

“It’s not normal.” James countered, slightly raising his voice.

“We’ve been over this before, James.” Thomas took a step closer. “normal, is an every changing idea. Love the people with whom fate brings you together, and fate brought you to me. God brought you to me. And I do not believe it was so we could both suffer.”

James looked up at him an expression on his face he couldn’t quite read. “I have to go.” He announced. Thomas knew better than to object. Whatever thoughts James had they weighted heavy on his heart and it was not him that could take that burden away, only James himself could allow those thoughts to become lighter. __  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going on a holiday, so I won't be able to upload the next part next week, as per usual. But if will be uploaded the moment I am home again.   
> Thank you so much for reading this story, I hope you will like what is still in store for these two struggling love birds.


	34. XXXIV

**James**

Damn it! He had never been brought to the point of being absolutely speechless, he felt like Thomas had delivered him a hard blow, more brutal than any beating he had ever undergone. His words, his speech, his ideas about the world. James didn’t know what to do with them. His grandfather had always told him to be a good man and follow the will of God. The Navy had told him to be a good man and follow the will of the Queen, who acted on the command of God. Follow the rules, obey the rules, behave and he would go far in life. That was how it went. Sinners didn’t get their happy endings as far as he could tell. Of course there was a time when James stole loaves of bread because otherwise they’d starve, he got into fights when he was a kid but he always figured God gave him those demons as a punishment for it. For taking matters into his own hands and not trusting in God enough to see them through. He knew now, if had not stolen or fought back, he’d be dead. But thoughts learned at a young age even if you know better now, never fully go away. And this was so very, very different.   
Wanting Thomas had nothing to with survival. His life did not depend on it. In fact he might be saving his life by not acting upon it, but the man was so sure in what he believed to be right. And James in spite of everything so desperately wanted to believe it too. To allow himself to get lost in Thomas was something he desired more than anything in the world, which made it a most dangerous thing.   
James had wanted to act upon his desire for men before. Aboard the navy there were men that would indulge in sexual encounters, a hand job, a blow job. Never sex though, at least not that he had seen or heard. But this only happened if the boy was desirably pretty like a lady and there was no place to board and attend the pleasure houses, though. But James had stayed well away from that, not even allowing himself to think about it. With Thomas those thoughts hardly ever went away.

James entered the tavern. Jonas just nodded to acknowledge him before he rushed upstairs. He splashed some water in his face and changed into something more casual. “Meditations” The book still laid on his desk. He hadn’t finished yet, Thomas had quoted the man again. Who was this man, that Thomas would place more fate in him than in the bible? He grabbed the book and sat down on his bed, opened the page to where he last remembered reading it, he was going to finish it tonight and hopefully it would create some insight.

He was nearing the end of the book when a knock came. “James, dear. I brought you dinner.”

He smiled and placed the book down, before opening the door. “Thank you, I had forgot the time.”

She entered the room and placed the plate on his desk. “I figured you must have.” She looked down at the bed. “Meditations – Marcus Aurelius, any good?” she asked.

“Hard to say, it’s not really a storybook. More thoughts about life.” James commented.

“Thoughts about life?” She picked it up.

“Careful” He almost wanted to take it from her hands, “It’s from Thomas.”

“Lord Hamilton gave you this?” She asked, eyeing the book curiously.

“He loaned it to me. It’s his favourite book.”

“I see.” She sat down on the bed, clearly having no desire to leave. James decided to sit on his chair and start on the meal before it turned cold, plus he realised he was really hungry. He watched as she opened the page James had put a ribbon in. “Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” She cited. “Oh, my. Well I guess when one is rich, they can afford to think very little else is needed.”

“It just means, that often people hold themselves back from being happy, because they focus on the wrongs instead of the rights and on the things they don’t have instead of on the things they do have. It’s not about money or the lack there of. You’re guilty of it yourself thinking a happy life means money is a necessity.”

She looked at him bemused. “I suppose I am.” She flickered through the book and landed on another page. “ It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” She looked at him, “now this one. I understand. It’s so easy to live your life day by day but never really feel alive.”

James swallowed a piece of chicken. “Do you fear death?” He asked her, she was already in her late 40s.

“No. The Lord claims me when my time has come. But I do hope it is gentle.”

James looked at her, she was truly a wonderful woman. He never knew his mother since she died in childbirth but he wondered if she would have been anything like Miss Lemonit. “I hope so, but not for a very long time.” He meant that.

“Do you fear death, James?”

“No, I would make a lousy lieutenant if I did.”

She laughed, “Yes, I suppose so, though make no mistakes, there are captains who would fear death and are captains because of it. Cause a captain holds the lives in his hands of all his men.” James thought about that for a while. She was right. Hennessey rarely fought when it came down to it. But he never thought him a coward or afraid. “Do you feel like you are alive?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, I’ve seen this book here for a while and judging by the ribbons,” There were about ten of them all on different pages. “I’d say this man says quite a lot you seem to want to remember.”

“He views the world very differently than I do. So does Thomas.” James confessed. “I’m trying to understand it.”

“It or him?” she wondered and smiled at him. For a second he hoped she couldn’t read him mind.

“It.” He stated quickly, “understanding him, might be impossible.”

“Lord Hamilton is called half-mad for a reason, even I have heard of his ideas about the evil nature of men. That no person is truly evil, that there is good inside of every one. That even the most heinous act can be forgiven and that person redeemed in the eyes of God.”

James smiled. “That’s him.”

“Do you share those ideas?”

“I’m starting to, he’s changing everything I thought was right. He says things that I have no answer too. He’s smart, educated and most of all he just wants to help people, so that the world can become a better place. Cause if we all stopped hating each other, and focussed on what we have common. Maybe there could be peace.”

“Peace sounds good.” She shut the book and placed the book back on the bed. “But then you’d be out of a job.” She grinned.

He nodded. “A sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

“The world needs its monsters. I’ve always told you that, but maybe in the hands of the right person, the monster could be tamed.” She got up, “Mind you, it is not society that decides in the end, always God.”

“What do you think God would make of Thomas?” He wondered.

“I don’t know, but I wouldn’t mind a few more like him. He is a kind and honourable man. When he’s here it’s like being in the presence of someone truly great.” Miranda had said something similar the first time they had met. “but I wish he would smile some more. His smile lights up the room, but that day when he was waiting for you, it was hard to see a man like him so sad.”

James remembered that day all too well. “yes.” He replied softly.

“You’re a good friend. He’s very lucky to have you. God must have known he was going to need someone like you in his life, loyal, dedicated.”

“Or maybe that I needed him, someone to make me think things through.”

“God always has a plan my dear, of that I am sure.” She winked. “Now, try not to get too lost in this book. You look tired.” She got up and took the plate. “Don’t worry too much James. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes that reason remains unbeknown to us for many years to come. It will all make sense one day, you have to trust in that.”

James nodded, “Thank you for you wise words.”

She laughed. “Comes with the years, James. Comes with the years.” James watched as she left. He didn’t have years to figure things out though, he thought. He set back on the bed, grabbed the book and began on those last few pages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from my holiday, so here is the next chapter. I might go from once a week to once every two weeks, I'm almost done with my own book and have only three chapters left. I want to focus on finishing those. Once it's done, I have all the time to write for this story again :-)  
> Thank you very much for reading!


	35. XXXV

**Thomas**

He might have pushed it too far, he thought the next day when James still hadn’t shown. He went over the list of supplies one more time. The man was over an hour late. He sighed, maybe a walk would distract him. The gardens looked a lot better now thanks to Aimeric, who still had not broken underneath Miranda’s flirtations. He wondered what his secret was, almost tempted to ask. “Good day.” He greeted the man. “If you need more water, you should let me know. I’ll sent the maid more often.” He commented, after he saw the drenched back of his shirt. It was a rather warm day today.

“I’m good, my lordship. You are already very hospitable.”

“I hope my wife hasn’t been troubling you too much, having a new face around was a welcome distraction to her after the loss of our dear friend.”

“Not at all, my lord. She's been very kind. Your wife is very smart and has a quick eye.” Thomas nodded, he had no idea what a quick eye was, but he presumed it a compliment. “Are you satisfied so far?”

“Yes, I believe I am.” Thomas looked around again. “I might come to you more often.”

“My lordship flatters me with such praise, but the compliment belong partly to you too, you have excellent taste.”

Thomas might be mistaken but he thought the man might be flirting with him. He quickly shoved the thought aside. “Thank you. My grandmother swore by these plants and well who can refuse their grandmother.”

“Not me.” The man laughed. “Forgive me, my lordship. Could you hold this flower up?” he pointed at a dead branch. “I could make a better cut if I had an extra pair of hands.”

Puzzled but amused, Thomas took hold of the branch. “So where are you of to next?” He decided to ask.

“The Robberts, my lord.” He answered and cut the branch.

“You’ve got your work cut out for you then. Their garden is bigger than ours.” Thomas handed the dead flower over, as the man let his hand linger slightly longer than necessary.

“I still have a lot to do here with so many distractions.”

Thomas smiled and nodded, “My wife.” He stated, though he was definitely being courted here. It was weird. He knew now he wasn’t unable to love women psychically, but this man in front of him, broad shouldered, tanned, muscular, did not thing for him either. He was flattered, and he understood now why his wife had no success in the bedroom with Aimeric but that is where it stopped. With James it was different. Was it just James? Would it always be just James?

Thomas thanked Aimeric again and made his excuse. Inside he realised his partner still hadn’t arrived but there was note on the desk now that hadn't been there before.

_Dearest Husband,_

_Borrowed Mr. McGraw for a bit, hope you don’t mind._  
We won’t be long.   
  
Miranda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, but here it is. I have finished writing my book, so I have the proper time again to work on this fanfiction. Let the flinthamilton continue ^^


	36. XXXVI

**James**

The duvet shuffled and he put his hands behind his head. This was new, he concluded. He was sure they both came, yet there was something not entirely right about what just happened. He felt unsatisfied. Which in all his years and all his encounters with women had never happened before. Maybe it was because his mind hadn’t totally been there. They were still inside the Manor, to be precise they were in the guest room James had once spend the night in with Thomas by his side. In fact this was the very same bed in which he had kissed Thomas. Maybe the whole act of passion had been somewhat lukewarm because his mind had gone back and forth between Miranda and Thomas.   
Miranda was already putting her clothes back on. He should probably get dressed too. Thomas was waiting for him. He pulled up his pants. “Don’t worry, he won’t be mad. He was having nice chat with Aimeric.” Miranda commented.

“The gardener who won’t sleep with you.” James smiled. He admired the gardener for it.

“He’s playing very hard to get.” Miranda was fully dressed again. “but I like a challenge.” James nodded. He had no doubt she would eventually get her way. She was very persuasive. She did keep on luring him into bed with her, even if his feelings towards the act had changed.

He watched as she left the room and tidied himself up. He was nervous, he reluctantly had to admit to himself. The last time he had seen Thomas, the conversation had been less than ideal. Maybe that is why he didn’t resist Lady Hamilton. He should have, he realised. The more he gave in, the more complicate things were becoming. Especially since Miranda was unaware of what was going on between him and her husband.

He walked down the stairs and knocked on the door of the study. “It’s James.” He announced himself.

“Come in.” He heard and he opened the doors. Thomas was leaning against the window still. “Been entertained?” he asked. There was no malice in his voice. Just kindness as always.

James was lost for words and trying to come up with something to say. “Your garden is almost done I see.” He decided to start with. He hadn’t even been outside yet, but okay. He did not want to talk to Thomas about his endeavors with Miranda.

“Yes. And I do believe I found the source for Miranda’s failures.” Thomas grinned. “It turns out our gardener has his own demons too.”

James was surprised at that, “how do you know that?”

“He flirted with me. I’m pretty sure. Though I have to admit I don’t know the normal courting amongst males, but I do believe there was flirting involved. A linger touch, unnecessary compliments. That is part of courting I believe.” Thomas said it so casually, but James did not like it at all. He was angry, no, he was jealous.

“Oh. I see.”

“Yes. It was rather interesting.” Odd word choice, James thought. “He’s very pleasing to the eye, and yet I had no desire to return the advantages made.”

“No?”

Thomas smiled. “No. Does that make you happy?”

Yes, James wanted to say, “I just want you to be happy.”

“Thank you, I have a wish to see you happy as well. So, tell me, honestly. No masks, remember. Does that make you happy? That I have no desire to lure Aimeric into my chambers.”

James sighed in disbelief, this man was impossible. “Yes.” He mumbled, “Are you happy now?”

“I’m not unhappy, though you did just roll out of my wife’s arms.” James wanted to apologize but Thomas beckoned him to silence. “There’s no need. You don’t owe me anything. I do not own you, you are free to do as you please as long as it was your desire. Now, come. Let’s just put our focus back to work and leave the desires of others and ourselves outside the door.”

He could live with that. They went back to work like nothing happened, until Thomas sighed and leaned back in his chair. “It’s too warm for clothes really.” He commented.

“I don’t think being naked would be a smart idea.” James remarked with a grin.

“Perhaps..” He smiled at him, was Thomas picturing him naked now?

“I finished the book.” He quickly changed the subject before he would start thinking about Thomas naked and more specific Thomas and him naked. “I left it at home though. But I finished it.”

“What did you think?” The man leaned forward.

“It was something I will definitely lose more sleep over.” He had already hardly slept last night because of it and well, because of Thomas.

“Yes, I remember reading it the first time at Eton. I was just a silly boy back then, looking for ways to make more sense of the world around me. In Marcus I found them.” James could almost picture Thomas as a young boy. “I read more books over the course though, words James, they have a lot of power. Used for Good and Evil. Catholics and Protestants fight over words after all. Words that in the end nobody even knows for sure are correct. Are we right? Are they right?”

“The Queen states - ”

“- Yes the Queen states, again words. We were raised to believe the stories we were told, about monsters, about the dangers that can be found in the dark, about good versus evil. How many in the world do you think question those stories?”

“Very few, I’m sure.” James guilty had to admit he had been one of them.

“Of course, to dare and look at other words than those you know takes courage. But because I did it, I have Miranda, I have a powerful position that is not entirely my father’s doing and I met you. And none of these things would I exchange for the easier peace of mind. Knowledge is power, and thus every book you read, every person you meet they have a little bit of power that you can take and make your own. But you must always be careful how to use it. Otherwise you have a lot of people losing sleep over it.” Thomas winked at him.

“You’re impossible.” He shook his head with a smile.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” He said. “Now, I have places to be and I need to think about our pirate issue. So we’ll continue this tomorrow.”

“Very well.” James rose to his feet. “I’ll be on time tomorrow. I promise.” He stated, he would definitely turn Miranda down if she tried again. The word “No.” after all, carried power too.


	37. XXXVII

**James**

He had not seen this storm coming. After helping downstairs with the window shutters and the precautionary bags to prevent any flooding, he had just fixed his own window. The wind was howling through the staircase. It was utter dark and the rain was slammed against the window with such force it vibrated along with it. Every few minutes a lightning strike would light up the whole room, other than that it was just one oil lamp and it wasn’t running on much anymore, but James figured it would last till bedtime. There was no point in trying the hearth, the wind would blow any sign of flames right out. There was a knock on the door, “James.”

“Thomas?” His mouth opened in shock and he quickly hurried to the door. Once he opened it, Thomas was indeed standing there, completely soaked from head to toe. “What happened?”

“Slight problem with the carriage. It ran off the road a block from here.”

“Slight problem?” James rapidly opened his closet and grabbed a towel “For your hair and face. You're absolutely soaked!” He stated as he handed it over. “Why were you out with this weather?”

“It was only raining when we left?” Thomas shivered.

“You need to get out of those clothes.” James concluded “You’re going to get sick if you don’t.” He grabbed one of his own undershirts and underwear and handed them over, he didn’t even think about it. “Does Miss Lemonit know you’re here?”

“Ah, yes. We have two rooms on the second floor, but I wanted to see you first.” Thomas explained. He pulled off his coat and then started on his shirt, flushed James quickly turned around.

“It could last all night, they say.” James said as the room was lit up by a flash in the sky.

“You can turn around now.” Thomas spoke softly. “Thank you, I already feel warmer.”

This felt awfully intimidate, Thomas looked as if he had just come out of the shower after spending the night here, something James had no hard time picturing. Plus his shirt was slightly too big for the man which looked very adorable. He was still shivering though. James grabbed the blanket from the end of the bed and placed it around Thomas his shoulder, putting just a feet between them. Face to face in such close proximity, he finally saw something he hadn’t before, there was something dark running down Thomas his face. “Oh my God. You’re bleeding.” He stated, he felt almost panicked at the idea that he was hurt. “You should have told me.” He scolded him.

“I didn’t know.”

“How could you not know?” He grabbed the oil lamp and the towel and held them closer to Thomas his face. “It’s a small cut just above the eyebrow. Press this on it. I’m going to get some bandage. It won’t leave a scar but wounds above the eye heal slowly.”

“I didn’t realise you were doctor James.”

“Press!” James said sternly. He walked downstairs. “Mary, I need some bandages.” He never called Miss Lemonit Mary, but he wasn’t feeling like himself right now. “Thomas got hurt.”

“Oh dear. Is it serious? He looked fine when he got in, well wet but not hurt.”

“Just a cut, but I need to make sure it heals properly. What even happened?”

“From what I was told, the carriage ran off the road, I think the wheel broke off and it tipped. Lord Hamilton must have cut himself getting out of the carriage.”

“Jesus! How could he be so irresponsible..” James mumbled. He was handed over the bandage and immediately flew back upstairs. His heartbeat racing rapidly.

“You’re fast.” Thomas stated.

“You’re an idiot,” James countered. “No, you are an idiot.” He repeat when he saw Thomas was about to protest. “You should have checked in at the nearest point the moment the weather turned sour. You could have gotten killed.” He pushed away the towel and grabbed Thomas face. “Hold still like this.” He ordered. “Seriously, you could have been dead, what were you thinking. You’re Lord Hamilton, you can’t just die on me like that.”

He put some liquid cream on the scar. “Au” Thomas flinched.

“Don’t be a baby.” James scowled. “Anyway serves you right. Maybe next time you will not try to gamble with your life. Cause you might not think it’s a big deal, but it is to me. You hear me.”

Thomas chuckled a little. “I hear you.”

“This is not funny.”

“No it’s not.” Thomas agreed as he finished up the bandage, “to having you scold me like that, I’m touched.”

James sighed. “You’re impossible.”

“You already said that today.” Thomas pointed out. He was still very close, too close. “I didn’t think the carriage would be blown of the road. It’s been fine in other storms.” The thunder was echoing through the room. “I will be more careful next time, my dear James.” He smiled that stupid soft smile that James loved, with his stupid soft eyes that James loved and he knew it was going to happen, he knew it before it did. So he closed his eyes and waited.

He felt soft lips pressed to his, fleeting and when they were gone he opened his eyes. “I’m sorry. This is not what I came for. I’m forcing myself on you, it is best if I leave.” Thomas made a move to get up, but before he could James had placed a hand on his cheek and turned his face back to stare him.

“Stay.” He whispered. The idea that he might have never seen this man again, never got to hold him again. All the time they could have had wasted on doubt and fear of what others and God would think. Tomorrow was never guaranteed to anyone. Yet everyone took it as an absolute. James did. But no longer. 

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Thomas asked.

“Yes. I’m sure.” He grazed his cheek and leaned in and softly kissed Thomas’s lips. Longer this time, lingering a bit. He pulled back again. Watched as Thomas hesitantly and slightly nervous placed a hand behind his neck.

“I don’t think my heart has ever beaten this fast.” He confessed as he placed his forehead against his.

James put his other hand over his, grabbed it and placed his over his own heart. “Neither has mine.” He kissed him again and again. Short, sweet kisses. And when Thomas shivered he stopped. “You’re still cold.” He stated.

“I’m getting warmer with every kiss, surely.” Thomas grinned happily.

James reluctantly got up and pulled the man to his feet as well. “let’s get underneath the covers.” He whispered. He locked the door and saw Thomas already crawled in. He took a deep breath, realising there was no going back now and got under the blanket. He wrapped himself around Thomas hoping his body heat would warm him and lazily kissed him some more, he kissed his nose and forehead, his cheeks and then his lips again. The oil lamp had gone out and it was completely dark. ‘the dangers that can be found in the dark’ Thomas had said, but James realised for the first time there was also a lot of freedom there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my work so far, there's only a little bit left, so stay tuned for the final chapter of part 1.


End file.
